Advice needed Please

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2 1/2 years ago a co-worker set me up with this Gal at work, she works in a different part of the building and I rarely see her, she is 43 now and I am 47, she is a person who believes very strongly in her Catholic faith.
Well we started seeing each other, (my girl is from Vietnam, been is the US for the last 15 years) when I first met her 2 1/2 years ago she was living with a guy named Jeff, and she said they were just Friends, she had met him at church when she was going through depression because her dad died and was feeling bad because she broke up with her boyfriend William, she moved in with William when she left her husband (more on Will later)

She said Jeff was there for her when she was in the hosiptal for a week because of her depression, then he went through depression because things were getting nasty with his ex wife and kids, so she moved in with him to help him get through his bad time becasue he had helped her.

She said she liked him at first but her feelings went away, and then he started having feelings for her but she said she did not feel the same way for him anymore, she told me this (because I pushed it ) before he asked her to go to Mexico with him and his 2 sons, she told me he was taking her to thank her for helping him through his bad time and that he was paying for it using his world perks and that is why she went, so it was like it was free, I was not happy about it but I trusted her, she had her own room she said.

After knowing her for a year she moved out from Jeff and got her own place, after going out a few times we became physical, and I found out when she drinks she becomes very easy, not to say she was drunk all the time when we were physical but most of the time, and that was a concern. and the physical stuff she liked very much.

After a few months I thought things were going pretty good, but she always said "we are not dateing" because of her not having a anulment, which was weird because we were sleeping together, going on trips, doing things with my Mom and Dad, I would call that dateing.

She always said she was waiting to hear back from the church about the anulment, well after a year I asked her why is it taking so long and she confessed she never followed up with more paperwork to get it going in the past and so it was not happening, she said she was afraid to go back and have to give details as to why her marrage failed, she cried when she told me this, I was upset, but she was not yet ready to get it going again.

During most of our time together she would become depressed at times when we had sex because it was wrong because it was against God, I understand how she felt, the sex did not help us. but it would happen at times. she told me she was very physically attracted to me many times.

I thought things were going good at times and at other times not sure, she would email me alot and we would talk on the phone every day, at times she said she missed me, and there were times she would almost vanish for a few days, but twice during our 2 1/2 years together she told me her feelings were not as strong as mine and did not know if they would ever be and that maybe I should not wait for her, I told her she was worth the wait and so we kept seeing each other.

Well this May she told me she had to let me go, I was very hurt, but she always wanted to be my friend, I know how important her faith is and she had told me at times she was thinking of being a Nun.

In early June she sent me a email saying " the men that want me dont thank God for having me and that I am ahead of them in my faith", that made me feel good, but thought who are these men ?

I found out that Jeff had asked her to marry him in June and that if she did not he had a mail order bride he was going to marry, and my source told me she turned him down, I also learned he asked her to marry him about 6 months after I met her, I still dont think there was anything going on with him after she met me, but maybe, they did alot of things together and I never did feel good about that, but she had always said they were just friends, now I think there was something between them physical at least before I met her.

This Aug she told me that she was back with William, she had told me he had been after her for awhile, a year ago she met him and some of their friends and he said he loved her and wanted to marry her, she told me her feelings were gone. But now she could not hold the feelings back and she feels he is the only one she could ever love in the last 6 years, she said she tried with me but could not get the stronger feelings.

She lived with him for 2 years 4 years ago and said she left him because he did not believe in God and she was not living the way she should, and that he had a drinking problem that was very bad and that he verblly abused her, so she left him.

She says he has now changed and they love each other very much and he is back with God, they both had issues before she said and they were putting that behind them, he is 55 and a collage professer, 12 years older than her.

Well a few weeks ago she called my place one night and I was not home and she did not leave a message (she was on the caller ID) then she called my friend at his work and told him she is engaged, but their was something wrong and asked that if William could get on the phone and explain, well William said the was on the board of directors at the school and now that she was going to marry him the union officials were looking into her cell phone records and there were many late night calls to my house and my friends work, and he did not want any type of Bill Clinton scandal, so they needed to find out what these numbers were, my friend told him who he was and then told him that my number he asked about was were he lived and William was happy with those answers, But I live there too, I wish my friend would have told him who I was, oh well, I am thinking if I was home when she called she would of hung up, I dont think she would of put him on the phone with me, nobody I have told this story believes it, it sounds like he does not have much trust and that he went though her calls.

I also found out that she has moved in with him, I dont know why she is in such a hurry, I think she should wait to see if he has really changed.

I saw her leaving work a few weeks ago and she was walking so slow to her truck, she looked bummed, she emails my friend and says she needs allot of prayer and that she is back in the church chior, but she will not be able to sing all the time becasue William wants her with him, but my friend said she seems happy.

I have not talked to her in a month and yesterday ran into her when we were both leaving work, she was happy to see me and gave me a big smile and we just had small talk, I said I have not heard from you and she said she has not heard from me, after talking for 10 mn she had to go and said "talk to you later".

I am suprised that she is so far in with this guy knowing how guilty she was about being physical with me and now she is living with the guy.

I love her very much and she knows I wanted to marry her, and I told her 6 weeks ago that if she ever needed anything or a friend she can call me anytime. she has brought so many good things into my life and I have never been so I love before, she is a very special women, she has such a big heart and cares allot about people, she loves my parents and they miss her very much. I am thinking she will contact them again some day. Sometimes she would only go out if they came with, I think part of it was she did not trust herself being alone with be becasue we would maybe end up having sex. I treated her very good when I was with her, when she left she said my love for her is so pure that she wishes I did not love her so much becasue I am hurting so bad.

Bottom line is I love her so much and I understand she has to follow her heart and see if it can work out with William. a friend who is a couples consoler told me if I ever want a chance to be with her again, she would have to break up with William (which he thinks will happen,) and she will need a friend then and maybe she will look at me in a different light if I can be that friend, but I thought right now maybe I could be a email friend if I can leave my feelings out of it, he says I am not ready for that, but I think I could. I know I have to move on and make myself better and I have been doing that, should I leave her alone as in No contact ? do you think she will be happy with William, having 3 guys want to marry her on such a short time must have been a lot to deal with, what do you think about all this ?



I think I just need to walk away and if she comes back some day and I am there then maybe, Can someone get stronger feelings later on ? I know she is going to be in touch with my friend and he said she will not forget me if she needs a friend and knows how to reach me, My friend is worried about what she is doing to, but he said he cannot tell her what he thinks, he only will if she asks, do you agree with that? he thinks that will push her away if he just comes out and says he does not agree with all she is doing

Some tell me to stay away and lf she comes back it will have to be on her own, and others say keep in touch because we will already be friends if she needs me.

I am thinking I cannot push her away by not doing anything, (and I know she is far away from me ) and can maybe do harm by emailing because my feelings will come out, I think I can control that, but most think I cannot, I knows she cares a great deal for me but she is not in love with me, maybe someday. Please tell me what you all think ?

lynxwizard

She called me last night from a pay phone by her church after she went to choir practice, asked how I was and how my parents were, then asked me if I had called her cell phone late last night, I told her no, the reason she said is her Boyfriend lost his cell phone and now has hers, she said the call said "Private", which sometimes came up that way when I called her in the past so she thought it might be me. she said the boyfriend was kind of upset about who it could have been. then she told me he would have her cell phone from now on and that she would be getting a new one so as not to call that number anymore, (which I have not in about 2 months) she said she would have to talk to him about it when she flys out of town tommorow to see him, he is out of town for work she told me, a few things I find odd about this, first I know she was only 5 min away from the boyfriends place, so why did she call from a payphone ? she does not know I know she is living with him, and dont you think its odd that he is keeping her cell and not getting a new cell himself and not her ?

kanicky73

i dont think you have false hope but i do think your "waiting" the wrong way. here is my reason why i think that. How do you know she is living with her boyfreind? when you talk to other people who know here i am willing to bet you ask questions about her. if you do, stop it. stop driving by (unless you have to to get somewhere). When you see her calling you, dont answer. let it go to voicemail. then check your messages, see what she has to say. if its nothing that warrants a call back from you, then dont call her back. if you run into her you simply say, oh im sorry i meant to call, just been really busy. your doing your waiting all wrong. having faith means you can completely walk away from her and not think about her, talk to her, nothing but in your heart know that she will be back to you in time. hold strong.

lynxwizard

I did drive by his place awhile back and her truck was there early one morning, and I used to drive by her place and her truck was never there any more, and in the parking lot at work I walked by it a few times in a months time and saw it was full of stuff, a sign of her slowly moving, so I am pretty sure about that, you would have to agree with what I have seen, but you are right in my waiting for wrong way, and believe it or not I have got better but have a ways to go, this morning she sent me a message here at working saying Good Morning was I able to sleep well, I responded back It took awhile to fall asleep and that it was ok she called, and I said she could call anytime becasue thats what friends are for, hope that was not wrong to do, But I am leaving her alone, Kanicky you are so right on having faith and leaving it alone, I think if I can do that and work on myself she will come back into my life, hopfully a better person and for good, thank again for your wise words Kanicky

kanicky73

your very welcome. i truly hope things work out for you. in the meantime just be strong and find things to do that keep you busy. And as always, keep us posted. ;-)

lynxwizard

I believe I will be with her again someday and that will happen if I let go more and have faith like you said, she is really worth it, but I think this will take some time, I am going on vacation in a few days for 3 weeks, I hope that will do me some good, thank you agin kanicky, I will keep you posted

kanicky73

Have fun, and free your mind of her during your vacation.

lynxwizard

Well I have been out of town for a few weeks on a hunting trip, I am feeling a bit better, when I was gone she sent me some more emails, prayers and jokes ect, but I noticed now she blind carbon copies me with her emails, why would she do that ? anyhow she suprised me yesterday and sent me a good morning and happy Thanksgiving message, very chatty, she has not been that way for a long time she asked me questions about my hunting trip, then she asks me if I am still going to the gym, then she said she has a Christmas present she got on sale in the spring for my Mom and she wants to give it to her, I was nice and responded but did not ask her anything, a friend of mine said she misses me thats why all the questions, I am still planning on keeping a low profile and doing NC. if she contacts me I will be nice, but thats it.

lynxwizard

Today she sends me a sametime message at work and asks how I am doing, I reply Ok, a few mn later she replys back, I am good, I thought I did not ask her how she was, but was going too, not quick enough I guess. then she tell me about a band that is in town that I like, I ask how she knows they are playing here and she responds, 'Why do you care how I while you don't care how I m doing when I asked you how are you? What a nice courtesy.' I then reply that I had ment to ask how she was. she replyed with 'That s ok, I know you very well that way. Well, I just thought that you might want to see how they play. That 's all. Thanks for the reply!' does this mean anything ?

dragnlady5

I was in a very abusive realtionship before and from the sounds of it she may have fallen back into one. There isnt much you can do except be there for her. If William is abusing her again then you pushing yourself on her or expressing your feelings could make things worse. She will leave William when she is ready. I think you should remain her friend. You should let her know you are there for her and if she needs a shoulder to cry on you will be there. But only if you can honestly handel it. Watching her pain, wanting to sweep her up and away from all of it will tear you apart if you let it. Be her friend but dont let you life pass by while you are waiting for her.

lynxwizard

Thanks for your input, but I dont think I can be a friend now because of how I feel, I think I could end up in the "Friendzone" as they say.