Advice needed Please

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2 1/2 years ago a co-worker set me up with this Gal at work, she works in a different part of the building and I rarely see her, she is 43 now and I am 47, she is a person who believes very strongly in her Catholic faith.
Well we started seeing each other, (my girl is from Vietnam, been is the US for the last 15 years) when I first met her 2 1/2 years ago she was living with a guy named Jeff, and she said they were just Friends, she had met him at church when she was going through depression because her dad died and was feeling bad because she broke up with her boyfriend William, she moved in with William when she left her husband (more on Will later)

She said Jeff was there for her when she was in the hosiptal for a week because of her depression, then he went through depression because things were getting nasty with his ex wife and kids, so she moved in with him to help him get through his bad time becasue he had helped her.

She said she liked him at first but her feelings went away, and then he started having feelings for her but she said she did not feel the same way for him anymore, she told me this (because I pushed it ) before he asked her to go to Mexico with him and his 2 sons, she told me he was taking her to thank her for helping him through his bad time and that he was paying for it using his world perks and that is why she went, so it was like it was free, I was not happy about it but I trusted her, she had her own room she said.

After knowing her for a year she moved out from Jeff and got her own place, after going out a few times we became physical, and I found out when she drinks she becomes very easy, not to say she was drunk all the time when we were physical but most of the time, and that was a concern. and the physical stuff she liked very much.

After a few months I thought things were going pretty good, but she always said "we are not dateing" because of her not having a anulment, which was weird because we were sleeping together, going on trips, doing things with my Mom and Dad, I would call that dateing.

She always said she was waiting to hear back from the church about the anulment, well after a year I asked her why is it taking so long and she confessed she never followed up with more paperwork to get it going in the past and so it was not happening, she said she was afraid to go back and have to give details as to why her marrage failed, she cried when she told me this, I was upset, but she was not yet ready to get it going again.

During most of our time together she would become depressed at times when we had sex because it was wrong because it was against God, I understand how she felt, the sex did not help us. but it would happen at times. she told me she was very physically attracted to me many times.

I thought things were going good at times and at other times not sure, she would email me alot and we would talk on the phone every day, at times she said she missed me, and there were times she would almost vanish for a few days, but twice during our 2 1/2 years together she told me her feelings were not as strong as mine and did not know if they would ever be and that maybe I should not wait for her, I told her she was worth the wait and so we kept seeing each other.

Well this May she told me she had to let me go, I was very hurt, but she always wanted to be my friend, I know how important her faith is and she had told me at times she was thinking of being a Nun.

In early June she sent me a email saying " the men that want me dont thank God for having me and that I am ahead of them in my faith", that made me feel good, but thought who are these men ?

I found out that Jeff had asked her to marry him in June and that if she did not he had a mail order bride he was going to marry, and my source told me she turned him down, I also learned he asked her to marry him about 6 months after I met her, I still dont think there was anything going on with him after she met me, but maybe, they did alot of things together and I never did feel good about that, but she had always said they were just friends, now I think there was something between them physical at least before I met her.

This Aug she told me that she was back with William, she had told me he had been after her for awhile, a year ago she met him and some of their friends and he said he loved her and wanted to marry her, she told me her feelings were gone. But now she could not hold the feelings back and she feels he is the only one she could ever love in the last 6 years, she said she tried with me but could not get the stronger feelings.

She lived with him for 2 years 4 years ago and said she left him because he did not believe in God and she was not living the way she should, and that he had a drinking problem that was very bad and that he verblly abused her, so she left him.

She says he has now changed and they love each other very much and he is back with God, they both had issues before she said and they were putting that behind them, he is 55 and a collage professer, 12 years older than her.

Well a few weeks ago she called my place one night and I was not home and she did not leave a message (she was on the caller ID) then she called my friend at his work and told him she is engaged, but their was something wrong and asked that if William could get on the phone and explain, well William said the was on the board of directors at the school and now that she was going to marry him the union officials were looking into her cell phone records and there were many late night calls to my house and my friends work, and he did not want any type of Bill Clinton scandal, so they needed to find out what these numbers were, my friend told him who he was and then told him that my number he asked about was were he lived and William was happy with those answers, But I live there too, I wish my friend would have told him who I was, oh well, I am thinking if I was home when she called she would of hung up, I dont think she would of put him on the phone with me, nobody I have told this story believes it, it sounds like he does not have much trust and that he went though her calls.

I also found out that she has moved in with him, I dont know why she is in such a hurry, I think she should wait to see if he has really changed.

I saw her leaving work a few weeks ago and she was walking so slow to her truck, she looked bummed, she emails my friend and says she needs allot of prayer and that she is back in the church chior, but she will not be able to sing all the time becasue William wants her with him, but my friend said she seems happy.

I have not talked to her in a month and yesterday ran into her when we were both leaving work, she was happy to see me and gave me a big smile and we just had small talk, I said I have not heard from you and she said she has not heard from me, after talking for 10 mn she had to go and said "talk to you later".

I am suprised that she is so far in with this guy knowing how guilty she was about being physical with me and now she is living with the guy.

I love her very much and she knows I wanted to marry her, and I told her 6 weeks ago that if she ever needed anything or a friend she can call me anytime. she has brought so many good things into my life and I have never been so I love before, she is a very special women, she has such a big heart and cares allot about people, she loves my parents and they miss her very much. I am thinking she will contact them again some day. Sometimes she would only go out if they came with, I think part of it was she did not trust herself being alone with be becasue we would maybe end up having sex. I treated her very good when I was with her, when she left she said my love for her is so pure that she wishes I did not love her so much becasue I am hurting so bad.

Bottom line is I love her so much and I understand she has to follow her heart and see if it can work out with William. a friend who is a couples consoler told me if I ever want a chance to be with her again, she would have to break up with William (which he thinks will happen,) and she will need a friend then and maybe she will look at me in a different light if I can be that friend, but I thought right now maybe I could be a email friend if I can leave my feelings out of it, he says I am not ready for that, but I think I could. I know I have to move on and make myself better and I have been doing that, should I leave her alone as in No contact ? do you think she will be happy with William, having 3 guys want to marry her on such a short time must have been a lot to deal with, what do you think about all this ?



I think I just need to walk away and if she comes back some day and I am there then maybe, Can someone get stronger feelings later on ? I know she is going to be in touch with my friend and he said she will not forget me if she needs a friend and knows how to reach me, My friend is worried about what she is doing to, but he said he cannot tell her what he thinks, he only will if she asks, do you agree with that? he thinks that will push her away if he just comes out and says he does not agree with all she is doing

Some tell me to stay away and lf she comes back it will have to be on her own, and others say keep in touch because we will already be friends if she needs me.

I am thinking I cannot push her away by not doing anything, (and I know she is far away from me ) and can maybe do harm by emailing because my feelings will come out, I think I can control that, but most think I cannot, I knows she cares a great deal for me but she is not in love with me, maybe someday. Please tell me what you all think ?

lynxwizard

No you are not out of line, yes it is strange about her faith and what she is doing, believe it or not, she used to go to the chapel and pray for many hours at least 3 to 4 times a week, and she had considerd becoming a Nun

kanicky73

I hear ya but for some reason after hearing her past and jumping from guy to guy and claiming its just friends almost sounds like a front to me. Reason being is maybe if her family knew exactly what she was doing and what she does, they would be very disappointed so therefore she always throws out the whole "its against my religion" line. I dont know all the provisions of becoming a nun but I thought you had to be a virgin. I know there are some religions that you can go threw some type of spiritual cleansing and numerous classes etc but I dont think the catholic religion is one of them. Anyway, I think your doing the right thing by just leaving her alone. I truly dont think she knows what she wants and is playing a very dangerous game by leading people to believe she is truly in love with them and making long term plans and then in a year or so changing her mind again. Keep in mind, she has done this once to this William guy already. She knows what he is all about, so why is she back with him? Only she knows why and the intentions do not sound good to me. There is already trouble because he is looking at her phone records etc, I think there is a lot that she isnt telling you. But thats part of her game, she only tells you what she thinks you need to hear or want to hear to keep you close in case things dont work out again with William or until someone else comes into the picture. Its a very dangerous game and all involved will be hurt if your not careful.

lynxwizard

Thanks for telling me what you think, I know she is always concerned about what people think and thats one reason why this is so weird, I know when she was living with this guy 4 years ago her family was very upset, I do think she has keep things from me, I am not sure why shes back with this guy, she says hes changed and they both had issues in the past and are moving on, I am thinking you agree she is going to be in a train wreak.

kanicky73

I most definetely agree she is headed for a wreck. The question is, when she crashes and comes running to you......... are you going to welcome her with open arms????? I think that is your biggest dilemma.

lynxwizard

Yes I think you are right, I do love her very much, and everyone I know thinks she is very special, she has such a big heart, she would help others when she could, did a lot of volunteer work at the nursing home too, but not any more, her guy wants her to spend as much time with him as she can, my 2 best friends say she is worth waiting for. but I cannot take her back having her only part time, she I think is very confused, its sad she has done so much for allot of people, it seems she cannot help herself.

kanicky73

I think you know what you have to do then.

lynxwizard

I guess I will be there to be a friend if she needs one and it looks like we all agree she will maybe need a friend someday, I guess I will see when it happens, but I think it could be awhile

lynxwizard

Should I not be there as a friend if she needs one ? is that what you mean ?

Foxy459459

BE a friend if she needs one. She seems extremely confused at the moment. Let her be and let her know if she ever needs someone to even talk to you'll be there for her.

lynxwizard

Thats my plan, I will put it in the card with the book and then I am not contacting her again. and I am thinking I will be hearing from her in the future, in the meantime I will be doing allot of praying