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    What do you do when your grown children hate you?

    Asked Dec 29, 2012, 12:33 PM 4 Answers
    My 26 year old daughter moved in with her child three years ago when her power was shut off. She had been living in the dark for over a week. I had been sending her money every month to get by on to no avail. She now has another (two year old). I adore the kids but my daughter disrespects me in front of the grandchildren and on her Facebook page. She calls me a crazy old man, a crack head (I never used drugs), etc. I gave her my only car (third one-she wrecked the other cars I also purchased for her) while I take the bus and walk to work, I pay the bills, I give her my credit card to use, etc. She doesn't get any support from her mom (we are divorced) (but holds her mom in high regard? )

    I have lost my bearings and stress out when I am around her. Her oldest daughter (six years old) disrespects me often. I took back the car yesterday. She walked into my work and demanded the car in front of customers and coworkers. I told her she had to leave repeatedly until she did, finally. She says she is moving out (with not enough money to support herself). I feel like garbage. She took the kids to a babysitter (I used to watch the kids but complained she was taking advantage of me too often) today so she could go to work - walking with stroller, in 20 degree weather through four inches of snow at 6:00 am. I offered to give her a ride and she cussed me, (as usual) with "f" bombs, etc. Telling me I will never see kids again. I felt like she was "pressuring me" to give her back my car with the terrible conditions she had to walk in this morning, not seeing my grandkids anymore, etc. And didn't give in. I feel like total crap. I don't know what to do. I worship my kids and grandkids, but I can't take the put downs, and continual show of disrespect. What should I do? Please help.

    Last edited by talaniman; Dec 29, 2012 at 01:12 PM.
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    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,248, Reputation: 291
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    #2

    Dec 29, 2012, 12:56 PM
    Because of my own experiences I always suspect alcohol and/or drugs especially if the behavior seems to be out of character for a son or daughter. You don't give any indication of those types of problems and I certainly am not accusing your daughter with no evidence to base it on but just some things that I always think have to be considered. I didn't think of those issues myself and now realize how nave I was, but if I had realized it, things might be different and could only be better today.
    There is a reason for the behavior and until you find what it really is and address the real problem or get the problem treated somehow- nothing will change. The easy answer is to say--have nothing to do with her and let her self-destruct but if you do that, and there is a tragedy later on- you will blame yourself (even though you shouldn't) regardless of how hard you try not to blame yourself. And you have the grandchildren to worry about too.
    Getting to the real root of her problem (maybe she hates you because you tell her she needs to change and there is a physical reason she can't change on her own)- getting to the real cause is the only answer, then getting that cause professionally treated is the only answer in my humble opinion.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,111, Reputation: 10295
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #3

    Dec 29, 2012, 01:16 PM


    Your daughter cries for tough love and disipline.Give them to her and let her stumble along on her own and stop letting her use her kids to screw with your head.

    You allow this bad behavior, and you got it. One grand father with a daughter to another. Leave her alone.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 16,558, Reputation: 2338
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    #4

    Dec 29, 2012, 02:00 PM
    A father who gives a grown child 3 cars to wreck while he walks is going to be walked all over.
    She treats you this way because she knows she is using you and despises her actions, and despises you for allowing her to take advantage of you.
    There may be more we don't know about of course - you are such a pushover I wonder if you feel guilty about the divorce.
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    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,930, Reputation: 674
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    #5

    Dec 29, 2012, 02:05 PM
    I don't see my step-daughter anymore, after my wife died in 2006. I stayed home for 2 yrs, being a caregiver to my wife with cancer and copd, even retired at 62 1/2 to do so. My step-daughter didn't help me very much, and was then 30 yrs old. I took care of my wife 24 yrs a day, 7 days a week.
    I don't see or talk with my step-daughter anymore. There is no point, and am fed-up with her actions of the past.
    You have been taken for granted, treated very badly, and PLEASE don't feel guilty. Leave this one alone, and go your own way. Your daughter is on her own, and should begin to realize that. You are doing right by not having anything to do with her anymore. I do wish you the best, and hang in there. It is not worth the dis-respect you are getting.
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