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    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #1

    May 30, 2009, 07:35 PM
    What to do AFTER no contact rule
    Hey all,

    So my g/f broke up with me after 3 yrs due to lost of passion and being too dependent on each other, and things getting routine by spending almost every day together. I got the dreaded "need space", "independence", and "can we stay friends".I learned quickly that being friends after a break up was next to impossible if the break up was not mutual. (leading to begging, pleading, and wondering of there was another guy etc which obviously pushed her further away). She assured me she was not looking to get into another relationship (even if this wasn't true, it surprisingly helped me get through the beginning stages of the break up, but I honestly do believe her in this respect). After a couple days, I told her I accepted her decision. We progressively had less and less contact and eventually went into no contact for about 3 weeks (no contact was my idea, as I found it very hard to do even daily activities). During this time, I reflected on what went wrong, how I can improve myself, and started working out, while she did her own thing. After I felt happy about myself, I re-established contact and we went to the movies together and spent time talking (just catching up, nothing about us though) but overall had a great time. So Later in the evening, eventually, I brought up us. I told her the break up was a good decision. I said that I still however had feelings for her and that if she would consider giving us a second chance. She said she'll think about it. After telling her, I started to flirt with her and she was very responsive. Also, she was impressed on how I'm more fit and I think she can tell I'm able to stand on my own two feet without her and feel more confident. I am trying to get her back slowly and trying not to apply any pressure (which I know asking for a second chance may be opposite of that intention :( ). As well, I'm keeping contact at a minimum till we meet again (were going to a concert together). I do not want to be viewed as only a friend from her as obviously I want more. Im not really sure how to act, or things I should avoid saying. Im trying to avoid appearing desperate or needy. Im trying to just act like myself and so far its been good but she's not the type to bring up the relationship I don't think (so I feel I have to, which is why I brought it up after the movie). From now on though I think I will avoid doing it till she's ready to give me an answer. So right now I'm not sure how I should act when I see her again, should I just keep acting like myself and see what happens? (obviously I'll continue to flirt haha :) ) And how long should I wait till I expect an answer? I do not want to wait forever. But I also do not want to move on if I know we still have a shot.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #2

    May 30, 2009, 08:16 PM

    If you do like her and want to win her back, there are two approaches:

    1) You tell her how you feel. You tell her that you want a second chance and then leave her alone. In this case, you will let her find her. If she wanted something to happen, she will let you know.

    But at the same time, you being to move on with your life, because you could be waiting forever. So there's no reason for you to put your life on hold.

    2) You tell her how you feel and you continue seeing her. This will give her all the control. She can easily lead you on. She can date other guys and keep you hang around as her safety net or backup, which she experiments with other guys.

    However, neither choices are advisable because you broke up for a reason and you could be dragging out your pain and suffering.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #3

    May 30, 2009, 08:44 PM
    I think that 'waiting' for another person - particularly when they have initiated the break up - is very ill advised.

    You've been doing great, and in your gut you knew that you had to minimise contact and get on with your life. I'd continue to do this - go to the gym, see your friends, see movies without her.

    Talking to her about how you want her back flatters her and gives her power. She may not even be thinking about getting back with you, but is flattered because you hang around and ask for second chances - she keeps you hanging on. But you're not helping yourself by doing this, because, I suspect it only prolongs the inevitable.

    I'd back off and keep doing the independent thing. And I mean genuinely do it - for you, not for her. If she decides to give you another chance (and she probably won't), it has to be on your terms not hers.

    If you want to call the shots, stop doing things to please her and 'seduce' her. Stop waiting. See her less, and move on with your life. She can follow if she wishes, and if she doesn't you're not left hanging out for something you couldn't have.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #4

    May 30, 2009, 09:04 PM

    Either way, she's going to move on with her life. So you can either sit in sorrow and put your life on hold while she's enjoying her independence.

    Or you can even the playing field and move on with your life too. She already knows that you want a second chance, so if she wanted it too, she will come to you.
    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #5

    May 30, 2009, 09:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    Either way, she's going to move on with her life. So you can either sit in sorrow and put your life on hold while she's enjoying her independence.

    Or you can even the playing field and move on with your life too. She already knows that you want a second chance, so if she wanted it too, she will come to you.
    Yah, thanks for the advice, definitely won't wait since she knows where I stand. I have plans to see her, is it ill advised to see her? I mean, I'm at a point where I can keep my emotions in check and just go out and have fun with her and then go back to our own lives and do my own thing. Play it nonchalant as they say. I am indifferent in whatever she chooses to do.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #6

    May 31, 2009, 07:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    yah, thanks for the advice, definately won't wait since she knows where i stand. I have plans to see her, is it ill advised to see her? I mean, im at a point where i can keep my emotions in check and just go out and have fun with her and then go back to our own lives and do my own thing. Play it nonchalant as they say. I am indifferent in whatever she chooses to do.

    You are blinded by your emotions if you think this. Your post is a contradiction in terms my friend. I will tell you why you cannot be friends with her right now: Because you are acting off pure emotions every time you contact her, hang out with her, etc. There shouldn't be a motive to hang out with your friends beyond just enjoying your time.

    Simply put, and this will happen if you continue to do what you do: Can you handle seeing her intimate with another guy? Are you ready for that? I doubt it, so I would suggest making yourself scarce for awhile. She knows how to find you, and she will let you know if she wants you. You already told her you have feelings for her, now disappear.

    There is no more desperate thing than letting a girl know how you feel about her all the while trying to play cool and do the friends thing. That is a first way ticket to being used. You want to prove you are independent now, do more than go to the gym and getting in shape... leave her a$$ alone.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #7

    May 31, 2009, 01:26 PM

    I'd go to the concert with because you've already committed to it and then at the end of the night say to her, "I'll see your around sometime" and not talk to her again. She'll wonder what you meant by that statement and you'll be able to continue to improve. That is exactly where you need to be at right now, constantly improving. Hanging out with her is actually taking you a step back.
    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #8

    Jun 5, 2009, 09:04 AM
    "She said she does not want to be so dependent on me,
    Threads merged and edited

    We went through a portion of the break up with limited contact and no contact. I tried my best during this time to focus on myself. Me, thinking she was doing the same. Apparently she did not and instead dwelled on our relationship. Recently, I asked for another chance and she said she was not ready. "She said she does not want to be so dependent on me, she said she realized that if i ever left she would be totally screwed." and her during the break up realized she still needed me badly. Basically she wants to get to the point where she doesn't need to be with me.. but want to be with me... I understood this and recently told her we should go no contact again for her sake. It was the hardest thing to do since I love her so much. She says she still loves me and still has feelings for me but wants that feeling of independence. Its confusing because its seems we both love each other and still we can not be together. I don't plan to wait around for her, but am wondering if no contact is the best way to go about this?


    Also, I do prefer to stay in her life, and be there for her while she goes through this. But if I stay in her life will she ever not need to depend on me? I also don't want to just be friends, so I'm afraid to hang out with her in fear I will fall in the friend zone.
    none12345's Avatar
    none12345 Posts: 1,439, Reputation: 234
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    #9

    Jun 5, 2009, 09:06 AM

    If she loves you, she should want to be with you. So I don't know if what you have here is love. I understand she wants her independence but that doesn't mean she can't have it while been with you. I think no contact was the right thing to do, just go on with your life and don't wait around for her. If another person shows up, I think you should go for it.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #10

    Jun 5, 2009, 09:07 AM

    Let her be. This isn't about "no contact". This is about her needing to grow up. You are not helping her out at all by being there for her or being available whenever she needs you to. A break up is a break up, there is no in between. Anything else, and you are only fooling yourself. If she wants you, she will find you. Until then, disappear from her life.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #11

    Jun 5, 2009, 09:18 AM

    You need to sit back and relax. Then clear your head because your thoughts are all over the place right now.

    You already know you can't be with her right now due to her own problems she have to sort her.

    Going NC is more for you than her but it would benefit the both of you. Start your healing and don't live off false hope. Once you accept things are over between the two you then your be able to let go.
    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #12

    Jun 5, 2009, 09:27 AM

    Yah... the false hope was the main reason I opted for no contact.. I just couldn't do it anymore. With regards to independence issue she said "while we were broken up, i got really lonely and really really wanted to contact you, and that's what im scared of..im so dependent on you right now and i dont want that".
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #13

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    we went through a portion of the break up with limited contact and no contact. I tried my best during this time to focus on myself. Me, thinking she was doing the same. Apparently she did not and instead dwelled on our relationship.
    I don't think she did.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    Recently, i asked for another chance and she said she was not ready.
    For that reason.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    "She said she does not want to be so dependent on me, she said she realized that if i ever left she would be totally screwed."
    But you did leave, and she was not totally screwed and she doesn't want to go back to you... so yeah, something's not making sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    and her during the break up realized she still needed me badly.
    To the point of not going back with you.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    Basically she wants to get to the point where she doesn't need to be with me..but want to be with me...
    So she doesn't want to be with you.


    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    I understood this and recently told her we should go no contact again for her sake.
    You were right, but you should being doing it for your sake, not hers.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    It was the hardest thing to do since i love her so much. She says she still loves me and still has feelings for me but wants that feeling of independence.
    Sounds like a confusing message that really means, I want my independence but I want you to wait for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    Its confusing because its seems we both love each other and still we can not be together.
    You still love her. You can't speak for her.

    Quote Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice View Post
    I dont plan to wait around for her, but am wondering if no contact is the best way to go about this?
    Absolutely. Stick with your plans of not waiting around as well.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #14

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:39 AM

    As long as you keep in contact you are not only having false hope but you will still be taking things for granted and not learning what you need to to get past this. Basically absence can make the heart grow fonder and she will get out and find what it is she is looking for. As long as you are in the picture she will not feel she is progressing in what she needs to find out.
    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #15

    Jun 5, 2009, 12:03 PM
    Yah the whole thing is confusing.. its the fact she missed me a ton that she doesn't want to be with me. Because it made her feel like she needs me and she doesn't want that. She did say she really still loves me but just needs to figure this one thing out. She wants to be OK when she's alone and not think about me all the time.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #16

    Jun 5, 2009, 12:12 PM

    Your situation isn't confusing at all. Your just letting her make it confusing and your adding to the confusion.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Jun 5, 2009, 12:18 PM

    End the confusion for you both, by going No Contacts, so you both can figure this out.

    Disappear from her life, and stay out!
    jimseekinadvice's Avatar
    jimseekinadvice Posts: 63, Reputation: 42
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    #18

    Jun 5, 2009, 02:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    End the confusion for you both, by going No Contacts, so you both can figure this out.

    Disappear from her life, and stay out!!
    And that's what I plan to do. It's so hard to keep at it :(
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #19

    Jun 5, 2009, 02:41 PM

    Just so you know, everyone who has started No Contact, ( your truly included!! ) has found that it's the hardest thing they have ever done.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #20

    Jun 5, 2009, 02:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Just so you know, everyone who has started No Contact, ( your truly included!!!! ) has found that its the hardest thing they have ever done.
    ... and here I thought putting up with me was the hardest thing you've ever done.:D

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