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A female co-worker of my husband tried to seduce him about 6 months ago. She told him that she knew he was married and didn't care, she didn't expect anything more than sex from him. He actually contemplated it for a while (we were going through a rough patch) but nothing happened and he told me everything that had been said, etc. Of course I was hurt that he could think of straying, but I appreciated his honesty. We have come a long way since then, trying very hard to rekindle our romance. Somewhere between the incident and now, I told him that I was not okay with him continuing to be friends with her. I understand that they work together, but do not like the idea of them hanging out on personal time (they do in groups), phone calls or text messaging. He more or less said "ok" and continued, not caring that it completely disrespects me to continue a personal relationship with her. I have since hung out with her and the group and have decided not to make an issue as I do not want to deter him from telling me things in the future - I would rather know than have him hide things. At the same time, I feel completely disrespected at him choosing his friendship with this slut over his wife's feelings. I feel that as his wife, my feelings should take priority over any friendship - especially since we have been married for almost 9 years and he met her a year ago. I have no question about his faithfulness and know she is no threat. How do I express to him that I feel disrespected without harping on the incident? It's eating me alive-HELP!!!!
Wow, this is not right. This girl made a pass at him, tried to get him into bed even though he's married to you. Does he not understand that continuing a friendship with this girl is a slap in the face? How would he feel if the tables were turned, I would ask him that. Sit down and tell him that this hurts you and that it is unacceptable, talk to him, or learn to live with it. Your choice.
Men are just stupid, I am so sorry for his lack of respect. I know how you feel, that you don't want him to hide things from you, and that just leaves you hanging.
I don't have an answer, just sending my support.
I guess I would continue to be at those group functions and make yourself look like a confident and beautiful wife, just keep your eyes open and have you spoke to her?
I would confront her, and let her know that you know how desperate she appears, and how dare her even look twice at your husband. Tell her to go get her own man, and leave your man alone, he obviously trusts you and told you, so that should mean something. Maybe if she knows that you know, she will feel like the slut she is behaving like? Be careful, don't let your husband off the hook, make sure you let him know how much it means to you that he still confides in you, maybe with your support and love, he will remain strong.
I would be careful not to inflate his ego too much, don't make him think that he's all that.
Just stay a team, but I definitely would confront her and tell her to back off, and that she is really lowering herself, and that you and your husband are unbreakable, unstoppable team and MARRIED!
Good luck!
Michele
Now I don't want to get beaten here but............
You said you don't question his faithfulness at all and you trust him completely and she isn't a threat. Is it worth the struggle and the potential wedge it could drive into your marriage? I know the incident was terrible, but if they simply are just friends...whats the harm?
I guess what I'm saying is I hope it isn't a stance at getting him to do what you want. A play for power could end badly, and I would hate to see that happen. I have been in a relationship where my girlfriend tried to tell me, at times, what I could and couldn't do...it was very trying..
Or do you not believe that they are just friends, you trust him but not her???
I have no question about his faithfulness and know she is no threat.
If this was a true statement, what should he do to placate you? Change jobs, or groups at work? What do you mean by personal relationship? If your not worried about him cheating, or her seducing him, where is this disrespect coming from? If I where your husband I would be confused as heck!
Quote:
How do I express to him that I feel disrespected without harping on the incident? It's eating me alive-HELP!!!!
Examine and define your own feelings, before you can express them, you must understand them yourself. From what you wrote the incident is over with, what are you holding onto that you feel disrespected?
Thank you all for your responses. Some of you have pointed out valid questions that I would like to respond to. Maybe this will help clear up inconsistency in my dilemma. I am not worried that something will happen, but something almost happened. For him to remain friends with her after I told him how hurt I was and that I felt he was choosing her friendship over my feelings is disrespectful to me. Again, I don't want to harp on it, or keep bringing it up to him, but the fact that as his wife and the mother of his children I deserve the respect for him to say "you're right, she tried to sleep with me (more than once) and to remain friends with her is not the right thing to do". He doesn't have the option of not seeing her at work as he works with a very tight-knit team.
Someone asked if I've talked to her. I haven't talked to her about what she tried to do. I tend to be very non-confrontational and if I cause a scene with her it could potentially hurt my husband at work. Instead I was EXTREMELY nice to her. Kind of like "keep your friends close but your enemies closer".
Again, I don't want to harp on the actual incident, because I do not want him to think "great, this is what I get for telling her". The part I am upset about is the fact that he did not have enough respect for me or my feelings to cut ties with her outside of work when I told him as bluntly as possible that I was not okay with them remaining friends.
talaniman,
thank you very much for trying to get me to look at other perspectives. I hope that I do not sound defensive in my responses to you as I truly appreciate your input.
"outside of work" is in a group setting - usually at a nightclub or a bar. However text messaging and phone calls are also present.
yes, he did come clean, but not until I badgered him for a month because I thought something was going on (wives can sense these things).
I have accepted that he will do what he wants and I can not stop him, and generally speaking I do not try to tell him what he can or can't do. Some additional history: I work during the day, he works at night. I have weekends off, he has 2 weekdays off. I do not give him grief for going out on his nights off... even though our baby was not sleeping through the night and I could have really used his assistance (and yes, I did mention that a few times). My only stipulation has been that if he is not going to be home when I wake up for work (5am), he needs to call to let me know.
I did not ask him to change his schedule after I found out, I told him that I realized he still had to work with her and would still have interaction with her. I do not think it was a lot to ask that he not remain friends with her outside of work. Again, this woman attempted to seduce my husband on numerous occasions, telling him that she knew he was married and didn't care, that he could do whatever he wanted to her with no strings attached. My problem however, is not with anything other than the blatant disregarded for my feelings. As a husband, shouldn't that be a priority? The only choice that I have had is to suck it up accept that they will remain friends; this still does not take away the hurt of the disrespect he showed towards me by choosing her friendship over my feelings.
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