war torn relationship

chasinr33 · #1 Dec 14, 2007, 11:42 PM

This is a very weird situation that no one, even family can figure out. Hopefully there is someone out there that can help me. So here goes....

I have been with my girlfriend now for 10 months. When we first met things were perfect. We were the typical new boyfriend/ girlfriend that you see, basically attached at the hip.

I deployed to Iraq less than a month after I met her, which some say was too quick. Anyways, for the first half of the deployment (7 months total) things seemed to go great. Of course there were a few bumps here but nothing major. She would email me all of the time, wait by the phone for my calls and just go crazy at home because I was so far away and not there with her. I was sure I had found the perfect girl.

About halfway through the deployment, I started get odd feelings about her. We had set certain days of the week that I promised (in all of my power) that I would call her on. There would be some weeks that I would call and I wouldn't be able to reach her. Might I add that this was very upsetting due to the fact it was one of the few things I had to look forward to. I didn't let myself get down over this and I kept pushing. I had told her early in the deployment to not think about me constantly because she would go insane, I told her to focus on college and hang out with friends to keep her mind from thinking of me all of the time.

About 4 weeks out from coming home, she changed back to the way she was before I left. She was getting excited, telling me what she wanted to do as soon as she saw me, plans for the first day I was home, etc... So the big day came. As I was walking off the plane I saw her from across the tarmac. She was a beautiful as ever and I knew I was still crazy about her as ever. She was slowly walking towards me, hands over her mouth in shock that I was actually home. It was bitter sweet. She ran into my arms and I hugged her like no other and gave her our first kiss since I came back.

That night she left rather early. The whole night she was acting really quiet towards me, but I didnt think anything of it because shes naturally a shy person and she had not seen me for 7 months. I didnt hear from her at all that night after she left. The next afternoon she called me and asked if I would like to see her after she got off work...I agreed. We went to get some coffee and just enjoy each others company and get to know one another once again. It was then that she told me the second she saw me, she knew her feelings for me had died. My heart slammed into a wall harder than a nascar at full speed into the barriers. I was in shock.

It has been about 2 1/2 months since my return and we are still together. Things have improved drastically, but once in a while she questions "us." She says she feels weird getting close to me ie: kissing (hasnt been done since the day I came home), holding hands, cuddling, etc... Basically everything close except for hugs, and even those can be hit or miss.

I have been holding on giving her time to readjust to me being home. Shes there emotionally, but affection-wise is nothing.... What should I do? Should I keep giving it time? I get mixed reactions from people because this isnt the normal deal here, this involves a semi-successful long distant relationship in a warzone. Her family all loves me and supports us along with our friends. Everyone gives it a go, but every once in a while she will just freak out and not speak to me for a day or two and then questions if we will last. Please help, I love her so much and couldnt bear to lose her. Thanks to everyone who responds!

bluerose · Dec 15, 2007, 03:11 AM

chasinr33,

I was married to a soldier for twenty years. He served in the parachute regiment for twenty-two years. he was posted away every summer for four or five months and I can tell you that every time he returned home we were so awkward with each other, shy and unsure of ourselves, it felt like the honeymoon period all over again. As time went on we began to enjoy this honeymoon period but I'm not exaggerating when I say it took a few years for us to be really comfortable during those home comings.

I don't know how others would have dealt with it but it's almost like being single again, there are responsibilities to be taken care of, for me on the home front, and him at his job. I can tell you I felt like a single mum many a time. Also there is the missing each other and the fantasy that builds, so much so that by the time the poor guy got back home he was almost not the guy I remembered. After a few days that went but it took time to get to know each other again over and over.

Give it some time. You only knew her for a month before you had to go away. Then while away you both probably built a fantasy around that month, the separation and the home coming. The real thing never measures up to the fantasy and once you realise that you can get back to getting to know each other all over again.

Good luck I hope it works out for you both. Give it time. She did wait seven months for you to come home.

s_cianci · Dec 15, 2007, 08:03 AM

Unfortunately you never really had much of a relationship to begin with. You only knew each other less than a month then you got deployed halfway around the world. It's simply not possible to build any kind of a relationship on that kind of foundation. I think you need to accept the fact that it's not going to be and move on.



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