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I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?
The best way to stop humiliating yourself is to realize the you life with this guy is a train wreck and you need to walk away while you still can and heal you wounds and find someone in your life that you can be happy with and will tread you with respect and not just another piece of .
lillian -- It sound to me like your in need of a complete make over -[I hate those shows]-new job,new city , and most important a love of just your own.It would be a hard first step --but just ponder on the rewards. --Savage
He really sounds like a boar!
You deserve so much better. Not only do you deserve to have someone who will treat you with respect, you deserve to have a man who will be comitted to you, not just to having sex with you.
You said that, after two and half years of being with this man, he forgot your birthday. Thats absolutely inexcusable, especially since you remember his birthday, and his sister's. I understand that he is concerned about the wellbeing of his son, no to mention that, were he to divorce his wife, he would be screwed over by alimony and child support. Nonetheless, you should leave him. It doesn't sound like hes benefitting you in any way.
You don't need to move to a new city, or even find a new job. You just need to leave this man, and begin living your life for yourself, without having to deal with the drama and stress he brings into your life.
You're right, you are humiliating yourself...by remaining the mistress of this good for nothing. So, pack your bags, or change the lock on your door, and declare yourself a free woman. Afterall, as Nina Simone so eloquently put it:
"The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair
The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere
And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine
But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone"
It's not that he forgot my birthday. He remembered it; he came over and we had sex. He just didn't get me anything, not even a card. But he asked me to buy him a soda and bring it to him and he accepted the card. I guess I am just not worth buying a present for. He used to bring me some little trinket home from the beach; this year he didn't, even though he sure took the t-shirt I bought him when I came back from the beach. He won't ever say I love you. Not even a "love ya" as we hang up the phone. I have told him I like flowers and would be thrilled with even a dandelion he yanked up off the side of the road. I am sure he is now determined to never bring me flowers. He sure never has. A matter of principle, I am sure.
I am just going to start being busy on days he has penciled me in for sex (Sunday afternoons) and act like I got tied up with something. As much as it hurts, I am sure he will pretty quickly get somebody else lined up for extra sex on the side.
He is probably having sex with more then just you and his partner. Sack this piece of sh&#. Why are you even still having sex with this person. You asked for advice before and obvious you did not listen to it. Will you listen to it this time and stop having sex and stop seeing this poor of an excuse of a man. You need to take responsibility in this mess as well. Do you want to die an early age, do you want to continue humilating yourself then continue seeing this person.
The only way to stop the mess is by leaving it far behind.
No more contact. NONE.
I just shudder to think how he must be behaving at home if his wife does not suspect after 2 1/2 YEARS. That is probably part of the thrill, knowing that 2 women are so stupid and that they both WANT so desperately to believe he loves them. I do wish I could move away.
Jesushelper76 basically made a point I was thinking. Only Sunday afternoons? I bet he has something going on Saturdays as well, and it isn't with his wife or kid.
The big question is: do you feel like you love him?
You didn't mention it anywhere in your posts, but not being able to walk away...
You know he isn't good for you and have even stated why - you've also broken up a few times and yet are still coming here for advice.
Darling, I say you get a few good friends of yours together and make Sunday afternoons a time to be with your friends who are worth your time rather than being with him. They will also be able to help keep you strong.
Yes, I love him and I have always thought our time together was special. He is a very tender, alsmost shy lover, which absolutely melted my heart. And there is something about his build and his voice and his way of looking at things. But all of those things I love, I am pretty sure someone else loves too, and she wears his ring and has borne 2 of his children. And I am just tired of wondering WHY all the time. I know he likes certain things: the smell of oranges, the beach, ball caps. And because I love him I have tried to wear fragrances with the smell of oranges; I have bought ball caps--one especially that he asked for when I went on vacation to the beach. Yet, he has never brought me flowers. He got me nothing for my birthday. He chokes on I love you and only said it when I told him we weren't making love anymore w/o it (after 2 years). He has never just up and said it. And in the back of my head I wonder why his wife doesn't suspect after so long; I wonder if it is because he convinces her of things like he convinces me--with lies and half truths and by acting offended if she questions him. The bottom line is IF he loved me, I would feel it instead of feeling like I am just trying to convince myself that he does, wouldn't I?
After he made the comment about Pamela Anderson's b**b, he started laughing and swore it was a joke. He called me 4 or 5 times (I wasn't answering) and paged me. But what he said was: You best not be mad at me on my birthday. And he swore he wouldn't have been offended if I had something similar. But I NEVER would have said anything like that because for me he is IT and it hurts to know that I am just--- extra cheese.
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