Hello everyone, I am curious what you think about this situation. I hope that you can provide me some insight, as I am nervous about where things are going. Please help me.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, and things went very well until the past few months. We had a short break up that lasted a week, granted it was almost completely my fault, but her fault for not communicating her problems with the relationship earlier on, which she admitted. After no contact for a few days we got together and we talked about things, and we got back together. I said the only way I would get back together with her is if she promised that we could communicate and that this sort of thing would not happen again. She agreed.

Things went well for awhile, but we have a problem again. Lately, she thinks that I want to see her a bit too much and that she isnt able to spend time with friends who want to hang out with her. She is more independent. She says that she still loves me, but she dont know if she will forever because she doesnt like how I am judgemental of certain individuals including some of her friends with a shady past. (I hate drugs and people who use them, and some of them do.) I call them scum bags, slimey, ect. She takes offense to this and I understand.

Also, she gives rides to this guy that doesnt have a car to his job and home a lot. This guy has a girlfriend who is pregnant, I know that it is nothing like that. She isnt even attracted to him. She just likes helping people out. My problem? He always calls on OUR time. She said that I am being unreasonable because it only takes a half hour to pick him up and that I can come along and ride in the car, so its not like we are apart or anything. While this is true, I just hate dropping things for some guy that cant find anyone else to give him a ride.

When we first got together, I had been reading some materials that listed the qualities women wanted. I told her that we couldnt center our lives around each other, that I love an independent woman, that I wanted her to have her own life. I said that I didnt care if she hung out with other guys and that I am secure with that, but if there is any cheating that I cannot forgive it. She loved that I was like this, and I think its why she fell for me so hard initially. Fast forward a year later, and I have become insecure and completely incongruent with my original self. We dont talk as much but she still loves me.

What im asking you guys, is what can I do, how can I show her that I am going back to my old self, so that I dont lose her? I think that it is good that I am realizing this NOW before it is too late and I get myself dumped. Please, anything would help. It's not too late to fix this. How can I get her thinking/missing me again like she did?

talaniman

Pick your battles carefully, and talk and listen to each other, as the whole point in a relationship is to be free to express yourself, and compromise sometimes. This is an ongoing process, not a one shot deal. The point is to keep working at this together. So today your mad, tomorrow she may be, you deal with it, and solve your issues together. Don't ever be jealous, or insecure, either as those emotions destroy reason, and positive action and magnify small things into big mountains. Your lady is independent, so don't be intimidated. Just express yourself honestly, and take one day at a time.

High Max

What do you guys think would be a good way to tell her that I dont appreciate her giving him rides on our time? I think it may be a little too far to tell her I dont want to be with her because of this.

N0help4u

Tell her you need to work out an agreement because you want some consistency and some consideration. That you do not want to be second fiddle making you feel like you aren't as important as her friends. Assure her you are okay with her independence but you like to know you can count on your time together.

talaniman

I thought you did already?

High Max

Yeah I know what you mean I told her that I feel like im her lowest priority and she says it isnt true. Meh, I may have to get tough with her real soon if she doesnt start respecting me more. She justifies her actions by thinking that giving this kid a ride home since supposedly "nobody else" has a car that he knows and his aunt/uncle are mean to him and wont give him rides makes it the right thing to do, since he is her friend or else he would have to walk. While I understand that, maybe he shouldnt have a damn job if he cant get there and back, which I said but she didnt really know what to say to that.

She thinks that she has to be a good person and always help people, and that if I dont agree that helping him when he is in need all the time that I am negative ect.

talaniman

One of the reasons I say to pick your battles carefully is that making a big issue out of a small one, causes conflicts. She obviously feels different, and as you said he has a pregnant g/f, so she does what she can. Some things we accept in our partners. If you can't, then its your issue to deal with it, and how you cope is a defining part of what a relationship is about. Honestly I don't think she will change her mind about it. As I have said before don't rehash it. I wouldn't. I don't know of any one whose partner does what they want all the time. If thats your only issue, your lucky.

chuff

High Max,

While reading all these posts I come to the conclusion that workedtohard stated in his first email and I'm sorry to say you are failing. She is testing you. From the outside looking in, it's perfectly obvious. You don't see it, because your blind by love and I don't think you realize how women act. You see things logically, but women see things emotionally. One of the ways they test your emotions is to create situations they know you don't like to see what your reaction will be to a situation. A woman wants the strongest man in the pack, and they judge strength by how you react to them. She does this and then makes excuses to get a response from you. You can not demand respect by forcing it on her. You must demostrate it by your actions. If she tells you to do something you don't like you must stand up for yourself. If she continues to do it, you must tell her that you won't tolerate it and you will leave. Then you must follow through if she pushes you.

Homegirl 50

While this may be true for some women, it certainly isn't true for all of us and unless you know this is what she is doing, I would not advise it.
You're dating her, you don't tell her what you won't tolerate just because she sees no problem with giving a kid a ride to and from work.
As talaniman says, choose your battles wisely, don't go off half cocked over something like this. If this is the only thing she does, I say get over it.

Homegirl 50

I still say you guys are just not on the same page. Her choice of friends are not suitable to you and she has a problem with how you feel about them, you want to spend more time with her than she wants with you. She does not see a future with you because she feels you're too judgemental.
You dated for a year had a break up and now things are rocky again.
I'm thinking this is not a match.
JMHO

Mom of 2

I absolutely agree with the last poster. Although I know that some women play games, this does not mean that ALL women play games. Men have the ability to play games as well. I mean, what do you guys think you are doing when you don't call a girl for 3 or so days after a date, even if you really want to. I think it is absolute hogwash that you must strut around like a proud peacock, demanding that you get respect. You get respect when you give it.

Now, with that said, I do believe that you are being taken advantage of. It is a matter of setting boundaries. Calmly talk to her about how this makes you FEEL, not that you won't tolerate it. You have a right to let her that this bothers you, but do it in a manner that will not result in a knee jerk response from her or from you. If you place any demands on anyone in an ultimatum kind of way, human nature will take over and the person becomes defensive and takes on the mode, "No one is going to tell ME what to do!!" Then nothing gets resolved and the relationship ends. As my boyfriend constantly reminds me, you can get more bees with honey.