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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We're both 21 and very young..i know! We've recently rented an apartment together ( by the way.. his parents hate me, dislike me and do not want us to be together. funny thing is I've never done anything to them ) we seem to be fine living with each other. We're both very in love and we have a strong bond, and a great friendship..but.
I am troubled by him... a year and some ago i asked him to stop watching Pornography and to stop reading erotic books. Figuring he shouldn't need it and since he tells him to my face he doesn't i asked for it to no longer be apart of our relationship. I am an extremely sexual woman myself. ( well young lady, i don't feel quite like a women right now ) moving on.. for about year now. we've had countless problems with sex. Mainly he just wasn't responding to me for months.. I became confused and depressed... recently I've asked him to stop looking at other women, i don't think it'll ever stop.
he is very unfair. he's also beats me a lot when i tell him I'm very upset about the lack of trust.I always forgive him. I am in pain right now physically and emotionally.
The reason i flipped out today on him was because I asked him to stop reading erotic books. and if theres sexuality in his medieval books.. to simply share it with me. and if it really bothers me.. to just get rid of it.
BUT he read half a book of extremely graphic stories.. he wasn't going to tell me. and he says I'm taking this too far....why is my heart breaking if it's not that big of a deal.
we don't have any trust. but I'll keep trying.
I am sorry this is so complicated.. there is so much to say.. I need help
If his connection to porn is long-lived, you should consider it permanent. Like your love for __________ (fill the blank with something you like that he doesn't).
Being a porn afficianado doesn't mean a bad adult nor does it mean a bad sex life. Not on its own, that is. It is another art form that some (mostly men) are fine with, and some (mostly women) absolutely HATE.
The real problem with porn is two-fold:
1) Does it actually contribute to the sexual chasm you describe in your relationship?
2) Even it doesn't, and your sex life were fine, is it something you will accept as a hobby of his?
These are questions only YOU can answer. The chances of him giving up on his long-present porn habit are pretty close zero.
If his sexuality is actually affected badly by the porn, can you live with a man with a lower sex drive? Are you going to choose to stay close and make him miserable over it for years, even though you know this about him ahead of time?
If his sexuality ISN'T affected, then be honest, this is a problem with the huge perspective gap the two of you have on the issue. It's not the porn, it's the way you deal with the emotions it stirs up within you. The most destructive thing regarding porn is usually the HUGE, HEATED ARGUMENTS that ensue over it.
That's unfortunate. You don't have to make each other miserable. You can decide maturely and calmly that you can live with the things you don't like about each other or you can't. You don't have destroy each other completely in the disagreement over it...and whatever other issues of this strength that might crop up...like religion or politics or parenting.
Lastly, HE BEATS ON YOU DURING ARGUMENTS?!?!? Seriously? Funny how you bury the REAL dangerous topic in the middle of all this smoke screen. You know exactly what I'm going to say...forgive him, and give him a ONE TIME chance. Make it official. Sit him down and let him know that the next time his hand impacts on your body in any way you didn't ask for, he's gone. Police will called, letters will be written, you will not only not protect his behavior, you will make sure everyone on the planet knows what he did and why you're kicking him to the curb.
You're blind ability to forgive him with no warnings or clear future consequences not only stupidly endangers you, it endangers your loved ones and most of all your future helpless children.
You need to be strong NOW, not just for yourself, but for him. He can squelch those instincts, and he will...but he needs GUY reasons to do so. "You wouldn't hit me if you loved me" isn't a guy reason, it's a girlie reason. He needs a guy reason like "every guy you know, your parents, the kids in the streets, everyone will know you are a sissy who beats on little girls like me. That's what you will win the next time you harm me. I expect you to protect me, from everything in the world you can possible protect me from, including your own immature impulses. You protect me...I expect it and i demand it."
As I see this situation, you have several problems. One, he is addicted to porn. And make no mistake it is an addiction just like drugs. Two, he has physically hit you. Three you are living with him without the benefit of marriage. What part of GET AWAY FROM HIM do you not get? This screams of a real problem, Get away from him and I mean NOW. He is physically abusive, and has an addictive personality. He is really mixed up and needs help, but not at your expense.
you are young. the emotions tied to love are intense and it makes it hard for you to believe you can be better off, first alone, then with someone else. sometimes when you are younger you grasp onto that relationship like its your only chance for happiness.
been there, done that. wasted some years learning some lessons... and i honestly dont think there is a healthy future with a man who beats you, who neglects you sexually, and whom you cannot trust.
youre scared to walk away because of time invested, because its unknown, because you have real feelings for him. but he isnt treating you well, and little things now can get to be bigger things later... marriage takes work. theres a lot of good that comes from the union, but it doesnt mean it doesnt need both partners on the same page and both willing to work together, to treat each other respectfully, and to trust each other.
that he beats you is enough for you to leave.
that he neglects you is real reason for concern.
that you cannot trust him is as well.
all of these together... really... its not ok.
there are a few billion people in this world. he isnt the only one that you can love. and he isnt the one who is treating you like a lover should.
He always tells me that he's sorry and that he loves me, and he'll die for me. some days i really believe he loves me. like.. just yesterday we had a fight becuase he was reading a book with alot of sex in it and wasn't telling me after i begged him to share it with me. he broke my trust, so he came home with chocolates and flowers, as a sign of an apology . and this morning i awoke with flowers again. but.. today we were intimate and i was touching myself for him and it brought back bad memories... months ago we were trying to figure out why his sex drive was so low, and he thought is was a disorder so i lifted my top and it did nothing for him. he said it just couldn't.. something to do with pressure.. but then i said, well lets see if you have a problem with erections and i played porn.. and he got hard very quick. i was so upset i pushed him away from me and cried, i said why can't i arouse you and he said.. Like you'd do that for me like the girl in porn that got him horny was touching herself and it turned him on. why should i believe him? after he hurts me all of the time. all of the time... his family is abusive to me, they always put me down, they say watch out for her she'll try to get pregnant and ruin your life. they blame me for his depression and his suicidal attempts and for dropping university. I moved her july 1 2007. i have no friends and no family... so support and they attack me and he hurts me like noone else... even though i know i'm a pretty stupid girl.. i love him with every part of my being and i feel he does too... he shows me when the bad stuff isn't happening. he buys me whatever i need, he supports me... but doesn't protect me, and today he was telling me he will protect me.. he will love me even more
this happend months and months ago, and i cannot let it go. he has said " i don't know why i said that" he must think i am really stupid.
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