I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We're both satisfied and enjoy sex but we have different views about sexuality. We compromise, but the issue is still there. He is obsessed and has thousands of porns of curvy women in sexy lingerie. He likes having sex when I’m all dressed up and he wants me to walk around in it for him like the women in porn do. I bought myself with my money huge amount of lingerie. Sex was great, but I wasn't feeling right because it isn't my thing. I don't care how I look, I’m attractive no matter what I wear. I don't like extra attention, especially not the sexual one. Men in general only see my beauty and I can't show my inner qualities. I don't care how my boyfriend looks too. He is an average looking guy, I’m attracted to what's inside.

The reason besides love, why I wore sexy clothes, is because he said if I wore it he would reduce watching other women on the internet and on the street. He didn't, he can't and won't under any condition, but he's not an addict. I felt betrayed because I put huge amount of time into dressing up in the bedroom and outside for going out together. I realized I don't want that. He should like me the way I am and I should like him too. It's unattractive to me that he masturbates the same on other women no matter what. I decided to let it go and get rid of my sexy clothes, why bother. I don't like it, he can always have in on other women, no matter what I wear. He didn't appreciate my effort in a way I expected. I turned back to my old way. I wear some sexy underwear, but it doesn't work for him. He likes very tight uncomfortable clothes, it's a torture to put it on and to wear it even for short time. He is very disappointed by my decision and our love making reduced to once a week. We feel guilty and trapped. Sex still feels good. I feel good naked because I had to stay in those clothes during sex, he didn't undress me. I don't know have I accomplished good with being myself. I worry he might cheat on me because his needs aren't met. My needs aren't met too. I'm into tantric sex but I’ve never pressured him into, unlike him manipulating me.

I feel like a trophy because he cried I don't show enough attention to him in public and I don't kiss or hold his hands enough like a couple. He said it's not that he thinks I’m ashamed of him or he wants to show me off. Why then? I'm not into PDA but I’m doing it like average do. He's said I’m the most beautiful girl he's ever been with. I feel he's using me. It's confusing why if I’m that beautiful he still watches other women (I get it, he's a man) but why brag about it. I would like to feel like the most attractive woman to him. How? I'm skinny. He's into curves to the extreme, how can I ever compete? I’m happy with my tinny figure, but is he?

I'm thankful for being honest but he's ripping myself esteem off. It took me a lot to feel good about myself and I’m still struggling due to traumas in my life. I wish he supports me. Besides that I’ve lost a parent a few months ago and I’m just now starting to cry and he takes it hard. It seems no one wants to compromise anymore. I don't have energy to decide what to do about us. I didn't focus here on the good between us, we have a nice time, we're together for a long time, we love each other, but this is the problem that's always been here somewhere and now has escalated. Communication leads us to frustration. We discussed breakup and a break. Is there a way to happiness?

Hello me:

Then you're really NOT communicating... You're talking AT each other. Learn how to do that. It may take some help - probably will.

I don't see a bad person here. I like women in sexy clothing. I also understand that you're a female and VISUAL stuff ain't you're thing... You have DIFFERENT needs. They're necessary too.

excon

I think if you read other posts here on this forum, you recognize a very common theme with partners that after 2, or 3 years together they have reached a point where communicating thru honest expressions of their feelings has stopped. Its also apparent they have gotten to a point the relationship dynamics have changed, and they cannot make the adjustment to keep it going. Those things that have been so adorable before, are now not so attractive, and its become a lot of work to keep that same feeling that got you together in the first place, through a routine, that for whatever reason has become unsustainable. The spark seems to be gone, and the negative feelings start to creep in.

It goes back to communications, since especially in your case, pleasing him his way, and not getting pleased in your own way has you seeing him as less attractive (caring about you), and not meeting your needs.

You really need to tell him that, and then see if it makes a difference, as talking, and listening is only the start of working together to solve your issues to the benefit of you both. That's the only way to bring about the right changes, and adjustments, it takes to sustain a relationship, or even define it.

He seems selfish to me, particularly since you are still in mourning for the loss of your parent. Your needs right now do not necessarily mean satisfying him. Surely he sees that he needs to support you through this greiving period.

That has to come first. This is a difficult time for you.

That being said, it seems that you are both unhappy in providing what the other needs sexually, or to be sexually satisfied. While he is quite clear in what he wants and you comply, he does not comply without the bells and whistles for your sake.

You feel like you are being manipulated because, in my opinion, its all about him. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he does not compromise with his expectations of what he expects of you.

That is not so unlike other problems in long term relationships when you hit the wall with opposing viewpoints and needs. People change, move in different directions, differ in opinions etc. The only way to get a grip on this impasse is to talk to him.

Set it up like a date, with advance notice. Don't dwell on it, or argue, or allow a guilt trip until you actually are sitting down somewhere quiet without the TV or stereo on. Just the two of you, face to face.

Then tell him as honestly as you can, how you feel, why you feel that way, how he makes you feel, and then listen as he gives you his honest reply. Discuss a possible compromise with him; you'll do the dressup thing once a week, or whatever you are comfortable with. Expect him to respect your thoughts and feelings, and you do the same with him.

Look at this as an opportunity to work with your partner, to solve a problem. This won't be so unlike any major problem you will face together, but you have to face it together, as a team.

I hope too that you will express your sadness to him about the loss of your parent, and tell him that you hope he can understand somewhat how you are feeling, and it will take time to recover.

I wouldn't give up. If he loves you, and you love him, keep it simple, and talk it out.

Like you said, there's what's on the surface, and there's what's underneath.

You both have to be honest & talk.

Like what you both want. Honestly. What your relationship is really about.

Don't retrofit your being for some fetish.