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Its been 2 months since I've heard from the ex, and I was fine with that. Then last night, we saw each other while out and he IMed me when he got home to talk. We talked online for well over two hours, easy enough when you're online anyway, and he basically said "she's cool" but their relationship lacks certain sexual aspects ours had. Which then led to "its not THAT serious" "its not like I'm living with her or plan on marrying her" and its a sucky situation cuz I don't know what to say back to that. This is the 3rd time in their relationship he's sought me out, and the part that bothers me is he had PLENTY of time to decide if he wanted to try again. He chose to date someone new and I left the picture so we could both move on. Now I'm hearing their relationship isn't serious, that he and I are "friends", and one of my biggest fears is being realized.
Before I'd had time to myself to think clearly, I'd worry he'd find someone he felt strongly for, seeing as we were each others firsts. Eventually I came to terms with the reality of it and I told myself to be happy for him. To know he's happy and that even if its not me, he's found someone he really likes. He was the one shoving it in my face that it WAS serious when they first started dating...
The just friends line bothers me because he'll say he just likes me as a friend, but his actions say otherwise and he never fesses up to it. Just keeps hiding behind that, never ready to take that risk, and he's told me plenty of times "every girl since has just been there. I haven't felt that way since.." So its hard hearing its not that serious with them (from his POV) after 10 months, same amount of time we were together. I let him go so he could find what he wanted, so he could do his own thing & I could do mine...
He sounds incredibly selfish and two-faced to me. He is telling you he's not serious about her and he probably told her he wasn't serious about you. He's maybe not serious about anyone and definitely hasn't found himself. I think you are lucky he broke up with you. Hooray! Now avoid him like the plague because no matter what he says, you will eventually end up feeling bad because of it. He's toxic. Just be you and hang out with your friends, make some new friends. Try some new things. Enjoy life. One day you will meet a nice person who will appreciate you. Or that's what I think anyway.
Good luck,
Asking
I agree with asking. This guy wants to toy with you alittle. He sounds insecure so he wants attention from women. Let it go, and leave him be. You will find a MUCH better guy.
I would ignore him hes playing games with you by the sounds of it - dont be his friend he doesnt deserve you and u dont deserve having his new relationships shoved in your face - shows what a selfish uncaring person he is! leave well alone and concentrate on you and the lucky man of your future!
My initial thought is...although we were flirtatious and reminisced about it, I still have the upper hand. If he keeps coming back because he wants something that I won't give him...I can blow it off and continue what I've been doing, NC mainly. "Build up the attraction, then pull away." The facts are in front of me: He'd cheat on his gf, he wants sexual needs met and thinks he can get that from me, and no matter how much time goes by he'll show up again more persistent each time. So let him stay with her, I can walk away knowing what I'm dealing with.
Part of me just misses our friendship. Sure, hooking up with him is fun and it feels good to just lay on his couch together after, he's never treated me like a w*ore in that sense. But mostly I just miss talking to him, knowing whats going on in his life, hanging out and just having fun together. Part of the problem is with us, its always one or the other. In a relationship, we didn't want to have too much sexual interaction because we both agreed it should be based on much more than that. Well, over time it felt more like we were just friends. The whole time we dated, we were both too shy to make the first move, never initiated anything, and after we broke up we talked about how neither of us was sure how to. Once we started hanging out again as just friends and became comfortable with each other again, the hooking up part just happened one night after seeing a movie. Since we'd both had other experiences, making the first move and having that wasn't so hard anymore.
I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't do anything with him while he has a gf. But I miss our friendship...and that makes this hard, too.
The next time we talk should I say that I don't think us hooking up is a good idea, considering we left off with the basic impression that we would hook up? I want it to be understood by anyone reading this that I don't sleep around, I've kissed exactly 4 guys in my life, and I'm at a point where I'd be ready to start playing the field, as you said. But there's a good chance he'll be annoyed once I say I don't want to hook up with him after saying we could...Cuz he's the one who'd bring it up...I'd say something along the lines of:
"If we were to hook up when you're single, our friendship would be all about that, and I'd rather have a friendship with you than anything else. Part of why we've stayed in each others lives this long is because we're both, for the most part, good people. I care about you, and you've said you care about me too so why not focus on being just friends legitimately instead of anything else?"
As friends, we get along and things are fine. Its only been when we start hooking up that we go back to the push-pull and confusing mixed signals and I start falling for him again. I just don't want him to be mad at me for it, either and think I'm crazy cuz I changed my mind.
You are a good person and remember that !! and keep telling yourself this.
People are Ex's for a raison and this is something that we push out of our minds when we start looking at things with rose tinted glasses. We get scared of being alone and sometimes we miss the special times we had with that person, but then we also need to think about the times that we cryed and where hurt deep too, and thats why there no longer in our lives in the same way.
Hi Clandestine,
I've lost track of what your question is. It still sounds to me like this guy confuses you and isn't good for you. He doesn't sound straight forward or honorable. I think you should focus on developing other friendships and stop thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. Personally, if I were his girlfriend, I would not like to have him lying around on a couch talking to someone else for long periods, trying to decide if it's a sexual relationship or not or could be or should be, even if they weren't actually having sex. I would invoke the golden rule here, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I gather you are still pretty young and he's your only serious relationship. Don't move backwards to him, even if you are trying to persuade yourself it's just as friends. Move forward and find some new friends, preferably ones who don't tie you in knots.
Good luck!
Asking
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