At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
(i am 28, he is 33, we have been seeing eachother for alittle over a month now.)
He had not been expressing any feelings about me and whatnot and i was feeling quite put out and uncared for.
Yesterday i sent him an email and asked straight out, Do you still care for me, Do you still want me.
He was unable to answer straight out, however said he hasnt been sure lately. Not because he doesnt care for me, but just because he's scared. And when he's scared, he pulls away.
He's been screwed over in the past big time by a couple women, and it seems like he's got a track record of just being used and left.
i told him if he wanted to end it to just say 'goodbye'. He responded with, Let's both say goodbye then. I"m sure I'll regret it, but it's probably easier now than later. I do wish I'd have a crystal ball sometimes to see what the future has in store though.
He's admitted he thinks things will go downhill 'because they always have'.
i was going to be a coward and leave a msg on his cell phone, just saying 'goodbye'... but this time (he never answered it in the past) he answered.
There was genuine compassion in his voice and even tho i was trying not to i was crying and squeeking as i talked. i told him i had called to just say goodbye and he went quiet. i said i thought it was a bad idea to break up over something that may or may not happen and he agreed and asked to come over after work to talk.
(He told me, that out of everything, the emails and the phone call, it was the phone call that hit him hardest. He knew i never called and to see me calling made him worried.)
i said yes... and then in the next emails that followed he said things to me on his own accord, i had been yearning to hear for so long.
" I do like you very much"
"It does hurt me to hear you hurt like this"
"you made me feel better too every time we snuggled"
"I love you're company when we're together and I do
miss ya"
"And when I see ya, I turn to mush"
"I never said I didn't want you"
He came over and we talked. He said he doesn't really want to loose me, he's just scared of what might happen. i did my best to reassure him and at the end we decided to stay together and just try things alittle differently.
He'd try expressing himself more wit he's both feeling cornered and with his feelings to me.. and i told him i'd be more understanding and careful how i approached things.
It was as if for the first time we both really connected and now i feel very relieved.
He's now even mentioned in passing about me moving in with him next month. This i'm not sure about... my turn to be nervous. i dont understand how he can go from being so hesitant and scared about the future blowing up on him to asking me to move in with him? Is it possible the talk effected him that much?
This morning before he left for work, (in the past he would hurry out the door like his butt was on fire) he took his time.. he gave me a real heartfelt hug (not rushed at all) and a real kiss. then if that wasn't suprise enough for me he said as he went out the door, "Have a good day, i'll miss you."
i'm curious to hear oppinions on this... coz i just want to hope things are all ok now and we are both on the same page.
I will say, it has been a month, I take that long to deside what type of sheets I am going to buy for my bed.
he is dating, one has to like or feel something to go out with another person, he is most likley afraid of a long term or serous commitment ( and honestly with just a month, he should not have to be thinking about one yet.
On big piece of advice. QUIT the e-mail communication UNLESS it's light. Make it PACT!!!! A rule!!!!
Don't discuss anymore serious stuff through e-mail - ONLY in person. E-mail clouds everything - believe ME - I know - I just went through that. I KNOW E-MAIL CAN KILL A RELATIONSHIP.
AND yes - it's only a month - don't move in together until AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE LIKE A YEAR!!! PLEASE!!!
this relationship isnt exactly getting off on the right foot is it? you both seem to have alot of aprehensions about one another. you also said in a previous post how great the sex is and how attractive this guy is. are you more attracted to him physically than you are mentally? from your posts it sounds like this may be a possibility. this is obviously not healthy. im not syaing you are, im just posing the question that you may need to answer in your own mind.
i hope things work out best for you but i agree with wildcat, email conversation needs to end and you need to see and talk to one another.
i know the internet and email are a valuable form of communication but there is no better way than getting to know someone than looking them in the eye and actually having physical communication.
Good Luck
It sounds like he probably does care for you. Unfortunately he seems to have lumped you in the same category with those other women who burned him and used him. We all know this is unfair but unfortunately that tends to be human nature, where we as individuals are not given the chance to prove ourselves but instead are judged based on the actions of others. Show him that you are a genuine, trustworthy, honest and caring person. It'll take time but as he gets to see that in you more and more his fears will start to subside. It may be hard for him to talk about at first but try to find out just what happened with these other women. Make sure that he truly was mistreated by these people and that he's not just using that as an excuse. Hopefully he doesn't have a chip on his shoulder ; otherwise there will never be any getting through to him and eventually you'll come to be painted with the same brush which isn't fair either.
All the advice you've received has been good advice and to the point.
Please do wait and get to know him better before jumping into something like moving in with him. If it's meant to last, it will last - just don't be in a hurry.
Start out being friends and learning about each other and don't force him or yourself into sudden committments as you'll have plenty of time for that. As you go along, you'll be able to trust each other more, and be secure in the relationship, but it's too early and you should not rush things.
I see you've changed your mind - woman's perogative and all that LOL
Now that you see how easily you two screw it up, would you please
go really S------------L------------O------------W!!!!
And even then its probably going to be too fast, okay?
Lots of talking face-to-face, lots of meeting each others friends and family, lots of experiencing each other's world, lots of seeing each other in ALL kinds of circumstances. If you skip "Relationship 101", you are sure to fail "Advanced Relationship"
As for moving in, it was once suggested to me that you don't move in unless you are prepared to marry him - its just about as serious. That slowed me down a bit.
Linear Mode
