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    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 21, 2009, 01:11 PM
    Understanding Men's Actions
    I had a date with a couple friends last night, one of them is possibly going through a divorce and the other hasn't had a relationship for a think a year, and if pretty wound up. The latter person and I ended up sleeping over at the former's house and were in the same twin bed together trying to somehow accomplish sleep. Needless to say, we started to touch each other, just simple spooning really, and he was really hesitant at first. Then I took his arm and put it around me so that he could hold me. Later we were nuzzling a bit he took my hand and put in on his crotch, I am not sure if the penis was out or not, but I felt something... I took my hand away and a couple seconds later he took my hand again and put it on his crotch, now this time I didn't feel anything, but could tell me was aroused... Anyway, my question is, is that a piggish thing to do to assume that I would touch him like that? I have had this happen before when guys will take my hand and put it on their crotch trying to get me to do something... It seems like a bizarre way to get me to do that... I mean why not just ask nicely or do something like four play first? Why is that considered to be okay behavior to do? I would never take a guys hand and put it down my pants, I would probably ask or see how his respond it to other types of touching first and even then I would ask... In the morning he dropped me off at my house and hugged me, which was nice... He was also very polite and attentive to me all night, teased me a lot, but that's just his personality... Anyway, am I thinking about this too much?
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #2

    Mar 21, 2009, 01:42 PM

    No, I think that it is quite rude and presumptuous, but some men just don't know how to express their feelings properly, not that that is an excuse for these actions.

    If it made you feel uncomfortable and you call him a friend, I would say it to him. See what he has to say. At least, you can make him feel uncomfortable and at best you can get a real answer for this behaviour and sate your curiosity.
    heartbroke's Avatar
    heartbroke Posts: 163, Reputation: 24
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    #3

    Mar 21, 2009, 01:56 PM

    He assumed that you would get his clue that he wants to do the dirty with you and go along with his actions. This should tell you his respect level for you. I agree with neverme and would confront him that his actions have made you uncomfortable.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Mar 21, 2009, 02:21 PM

    Needless to say, we started to touch each other, just simple spooning really
    I hate to say it, but you were fooling around, he probably just thought you'd be willing to go to the next step.

    Did you say no when he led your hand to his crotch? Why were you two in the same bed? Did you get up and leave after he guided your hand to his crotch? Did you pull your hand away?

    Sometimes we do send mixed messages. If you didn't tell him no, then he probably thought you were okay with it. You do have to make your intentions, wants and desires clear. Men aren't mind readers any more then women are.
    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 21, 2009, 03:01 PM
    I pulled my hand away twice and finally he stopped... Do you think I should go out with him again? And if so, should I bring it up or should I wait and see if he tries it again and then be more forceful about my wants when the moment arrives?
    heartbroke's Avatar
    heartbroke Posts: 163, Reputation: 24
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    #6

    Mar 21, 2009, 03:02 PM

    His motives are pretty clear... why would you want to go out with someone who wants to jump the gun so quickly? Unless you want it to and like him.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #7

    Mar 21, 2009, 03:05 PM

    If you want to go out with him again then do, that's up to you, not me or anyone else.

    If he tries to put your hand down his pants then tell him you aren't comfortable with that.

    You weren't very clear that first night, you need to be more clear in the future, but I wouldn't bring it up unless it happens again.

    You have to speak up. No one is going to respect your boundaries if you don't make them clear.

    Good luck.
    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 21, 2009, 03:11 PM
    I'm considering a second date because I've known him as a friend for a while and like him as a person. I just don't want a one night stand... And I get this feeling like he would be okay with that... I am also questioning his respect level for me at this point and whether he just doesn't care that much about me, also, as a person... But because he has been my friend and treats me well in all other instances, it makes me feel conflicted.
    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 21, 2009, 04:59 PM

    You're right though, it is disrespectful... I don't think I'll take a second date.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #10

    Mar 21, 2009, 05:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by peanut_oil View Post
    I'm considering a second date because I've known him as a friend for a while and like him as a person. I just don't want a one night stand... And I get this feeling like he would be okay with that... I am also questioning his respect level for me at this point and whether he just doesn't care that much about me, also, as a person... But because he has been my friend and treats me well in all other instances, it makes me feel conflicted.
    Let him know up front that you are not out for a one night stand.Make your intentions very clear and try not to send any mixed messages.

    You made the first move by putting his arm around you.That was not a green light in your book but guys see things a whole lots differently.

    Don't hold it against him for trying.He did what just about any guy would do in that situation,give it a try.
    Granted,his style was lacking,to say the least but if he is respectful to you when the lights are on,go out but be clear about where you expect things to go or not go.
    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Mar 21, 2009, 05:52 PM

    Yeah, but he did... Twice!!
    peanut_oil's Avatar
    peanut_oil Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Mar 21, 2009, 05:56 PM
    What I mean is, he tried to put my hand there twice, even after I pulled away the first time. Couldn't that be a clue to his real personality? I mean, it seems kind of ish to me...
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #13

    Mar 21, 2009, 06:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by peanut_oil View Post
    What I mean is, he tried to put my hand there twice, even after I pulled away the first time. Couldn't that be a clue to his real personality? I mean, it seems kind of ish to me...
    You did not say anything and you did not slap his hand and you did not get out of the bed.

    If you had done those things ,he may not have tried again.There is no telling what the outcome would have been if you had reacted differently.

    I think he did a nasty thing but again,I think given the situation any guy would try.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Mar 21, 2009, 06:45 PM
    Reading each others minds gets you nowhere. A simple easy, quick, conversation would have dispelled all the wondering about each others intentions, wants, or needs.

    He did nothing wrong under the circumstances, and even took your rejection well. He is only a guy, and we fellows can be clueless sometimes. Talk about it over dinner, soon.
    nikosmom's Avatar
    nikosmom Posts: 1,611, Reputation: 488
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    #15

    Mar 21, 2009, 07:19 PM

    You have to make your feelings clear to him. If he knows then he is expected to be responsible for respecting your boundaries.

    You said you were teasing, started to "touch each other" and you put his arm around you, etc.-- well that sends a message that, "Hey, This is about to become sexual".

    You said there was no foreplay, but "spooning", "touching each other", and "nuzzling" all count as foreplay in my book.
    thakur prasad's Avatar
    thakur prasad Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Mar 31, 2009, 07:44 AM
    :(
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    If you want to go out with him again then do, that's up to you, not me or anyone else.

    If he trys to put your hand down his pants then tell him you aren't comfortable with that.

    You weren't very clear that first night, you need to be more clear in the future, but I wouldn't bring it up unless it happens again.

    You have to speak up. No one is going to respect your boundaries if you don't make them clear.

    Good luck.

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