I met K 4 months ago through an online friends network and we clicked instantly. He was doing his phd and I have mine, so we had intellectual interests to start with. He stated in his profile he was single and had visited my country and loved it. We became fast friends and started webcams and telephone calls. Within a month, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I thought this could lead to something, since he was available and didn't live too far from my country. We became really really good friends and chatted a lot.

He had some funny habits though. He said he didn't have a home phone, and turns his mobile off in the evenings and weekends because he had to study and didn't want to be disturbed by telemarketers. He also didn't have international coverage so he couldn't call or text me.
I half-joked a few times that he was probably married, and he said no. and he is always busy and stressed. Always.

When I talk with him, I feel so special. He tells me he loves me, that he is righteous, and that he would do right by me, and I have nothing to be ashamed of him and his family. Once when I called him, his parents were there and he let me talk to them. Ive never seen them though. He also told me that he had told his friends about me.

One day, I called up one of his friends because he went MIA and I was worried. His friend asked me what the nature our rel was. I told him that we loved each other and then I find out that K is married with 2 young kids, one with a handicap. And the friend tells me that he does have a home phone, and that according to him , K told him that we were colleagues and met in a conference. Not what he had told me he had told his friend. And his friend had not idea about us.

I was robbed of my chance to confront him,because K writes me a quick email to tell me that he had to disappear and cut off all ties, for my own protection. He then proceeds to tell me in the letter that he is married but only paper. He and his wife lead separate lives and that he is unhappy in the marriage and he goes online and say that he is single to see if there are any decent women out there to restore his faith in women. And that he hadn't planned on finding me, and falling in love with me. Says that he wanted to tell me the truth so many times, but couldn't because of the shame. That if he told me, id run like hell. Says
That he was sorry and that he loved me and didn't want to lose me.

We managed to meet online and discussed this. I was shocked and told him I'm not mistress or other woman material. To which he said, that I couldn't really be a mistress since we never had sex. He said he had told his wife about me and he was preparing his children
For him leaving, since they don't see much of him anyway. That he was going to move here to make things work with me. Says he and his wife had been separated before and that it was just a matter of time before they divorce but not yet because it was complicated. But he said his parents knew about me and how serious he was about me.

I told him not to visit me until he got his divorce, that it wouldn't be right or fair to the wife. He said he couldn't initiate it, in all reality, till he was done with his phd(which would be in a year or so), or she would make his life a living hell and stress him out (he still lives in the same house but in the study, so he tells me). I told him fine, but please move out ,so that the situation wouldn't become so messy. At least not be living together. He said he would.

We continue to keep in touch and one day he sends me an affectionate email, nothing big, just the thinking of me kind of email. Then BOOM, I heard NOTHING from him for 3 weeks. I wrote him but nothing. Id call his mobile but no answer. Then I called the friend and he
Says that he'd spoken to K just the day before in his home. I then call the home (I found his number via another means) and I recognised his voice when he answered. When I identified myself, he just pretended he didn't hear me and hung up. Called back. Hung up
Again.

It really floored me why he suddenly cut me off, after that email. What did I do? What happened? We had been such good friends and I thought I deserved better than that. So I wrote to ask him. He writes back and says he had to disappear. That he had changed his mobile number, hadn't been home for a month, that the wife moved out and new people moved in and that he was sorry but it had to be done for his self-preservation, that he couldn't explain it at the moment, that I cannot possible understand, and that he isn't using his email accounts because they were being monitored so don't write there. Very Alias.

This time I told him I didn't believe his crap and he writes back to say that he was sorry I didn't believe him and that it was my loss in the long run. And I have not contacted him since.

I have since found out that he has created another profile online stating that he is single. And that he hasn't moved away, that he does use the accounts that he said were "monitored" and although I haven't tried to call him mobile or home, I don't think they have
Changed. He will probably not pick up when he sees the caller id.

I don't know what I did, for him to just cut me off with no warning, especially if he said he loved me. He told me that he would never lie to me again. Or is it so far fetched that he could actually be telling the truth?

Maybe it's me. Did I cling to tightly? Should I have just let him be and let him come to me when he did what he said he was going to do?

Is it all a ruse to keep me at bay until he gets divorced, finish his phd, and move here? Or am I deluding myself? Is he a liar or is he righteous?

Please, think more of yourself to stop all contact with this gentleman. I have been in an adulterous relationship before (I was married and cheated on) and this guy either gets kicks off string women along or cannot commit. Either way, it sounds like a disaster already and can only get worse. Please continue your search for love, just not with this man.

Sincerely,

Tara032380

Maybe he decided that since he is married he needed to keep his distance. Maybe he does not want to get a divorce and has decided to work on his marriage.

You deserve more than being the second woman in a relationship. Move on and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Be sure that he is a single guy though!

You are deluding yourself.

Imagine how long it would have gone if you had not found out.

These things NEVER work... Karma is broken from the start.
Even if you got married it would not last. Hear me now, believe me later.

Thank you everyone, for replying. It comforts me to know that you have read this and are giving me good advice.

I admit, I have my days when I doubt what Im doing. I keep telling myself that the pain will pass, and in all honesty, it's passing. It's what my head is telling me to do, but my heart is taking its time. But as the days go by and my confidence builds from satisfaction I'm getting in other places, I feel stronger in letting go completely. Im still going to take my time to heal, though...

I just wanted the satisfaction of slapping his face. But I'm not giving up on men yet... just maybe online men.

He Is Married

STOP THE MADNESS:

Re: your online, married man, overseas, cheating guy with kids...

Head- yes
Heart - no F--ING WAY... it will never, ever, ever never, ever work... the drama and the adrenaline seem like love and passion. They are not.

I am 100% certain on this...

He was playing you like a piano.

You are trying to understand why he dumped you? He dumped you because you found out about his little game. I would seriously doubt about his pursuit of a PhD as well. He probably already has a PhD in Slurpees at the local 7-11.

Forget about this jerk and find a real life man that will treat you as you deserve.

Outside my professional field but clearly within the realm of human nature.

He lied at the beginning, He lied throughout, He's not goiung to change. Dump everything about him except for one thought - You're far to good a person to put up with this poor excuse of a human.

The crap he fed you would have made him rich if he could sell it as a story on television.

Consider all he fed you with a grain of salt and discard it, dear.

Try finding someone in real life so that you can see by their facial expressions whether they are serious or not.

Good luck dear.

He has created another profile stating he is single! I feel sorry for his poor wife who prob ably has no clue to her doofus husbands philandering. He must be a little nuts to make up stories and expect women to believe them. Hope you stay far far away from men who have such active imaginations, They prey on nice women's trust.

I do too. She's 12 years younger than him (he's 39 but posts his profile as 33) and has known him 10 years, married 8, with a 5 and 3 year old (3 year old is handicapped), doesn't work at all. He pays all the bills. He basically married her at 19, and SHE was part of a trio of girls he was cheating on at the same time, which landed him in the hospital when they found out about each other! She stayed with him and they married. Poor poor wife. But maybe she got what she asked for, who knows.

I felt really bad that he turned out to be a liar that I told him to do right by her, and me. If what he says about me was true, he'd have to get a divorce and make it clean. He's told me that she's the one who has sapped him of his strength to live, so much so he tried to committ suicide, doesn't understand or respect his research, blah blah. Once I thought it was sad and sympathised with his unhappiness. Now I think he lays it on thick so that he can get sympathy from nice women who will tell him what a swell guy he is, but never intending to make an commitment to them. I believe it takes 2 to make something break down, so laying all the blame on her only is truly evil. Instead of working on his bad marriage or ending it, he seems to be seeking comfort online, probably with no intention of ever leaving her. He never meets these women, so he can't be accused of having extra-marital affairs.

I say this because I just saw some emails from him to another married lady in another city, a new contact who is beginning to think the world of him. He's saying that he's too nice a guy that's why he's single and doesn't get the girls, bastards do, that he's the last of a dying breed of gentlemen (same thing he used to tell me). And of course she's all, "no, no, you're a nice guy, the perfect catch, ill have a gentleman anyday, and if i werent married, id date you". He seeks those compliments. I know, because I used to dish those out to him. Now I see its just a ploy to stoke his ego. Its amusing to see him recycle his stories because I have a photographic memory and I remembered EVERYTHING he had ever written. Plus I saved them too, for evidence... and how it's come in handy.. :-)

Almost makes me want to tell this woman the truth... but he will probably have a good story about an ex stalking him and she'll believe him. I know I did. But seeing this pattern makes me feel vindicated from my own emotional bashing...

BTW, my girlfriend took an issue with me about him. She says because he never met me or had sex with me, it can't be considered cheating. I disagree. I think it's cheating because he's lying about himself and manipulating the situation so he doesn't meet these women. Its cheating because he is carrying on emotional affairs and its cheating all the same.

What do you guys think?

This is in reply to Emland:

*sigh* I wish he WERE a stupid loser. But unfortunately he really IS doing his PhD, which is even worse, in my opinion. Imagine this: a highly educated man who has a subtler, more intelligent way of manipulating women. Not so obvious, and a whole lot smoother. And harder to expose.

But the karma's a I hear, and the lies don't last forever. Someone will find out... AGAIN! :-) (I get the feeling I'm not the first to find out about his stupid game... )

Thanks for the diss, I appreciate having that support!

He needs his ego stroked by anyone willing to do so. You've become a pretty good detective through all of this. Now it's time to decide what you want to do with the information - keep on attempting to give him free analysis or going on with your life.

I don't think it will do you any good to tell his wife - I'm sure she already knows because she met him while he was cheating. I doubt she will do anything more than what she's doing now.. trying hard to keep her family from total disaster. She's in the world that she constructed and will go on living her life.

My suggestion is that 'you've been there', done all you could and now it's time to move on and chuck it up to experience.

Lessons learned can be valuable.

Hi chery,

No, I don't want to confront the wife at all... I think it is way too disruptive for the family. I feel for her so badly and his little boy who is handicapped. But you are definitely right. She has chosen this way of life and will live it the best she can.

I hadn't thought of the fact that she may already know (thanks for pointing it out. NOW her apathetic behavior towards him in the house makes sense!) I guess the money and security is too good to pass up (she WAS the last one to find out in the trio, the other 2 told her, and he told me she wasn't his first choice to be with. The one he wanted left him, which is what I'm going to do too), what with having 2 kids to look after all day while he goes to uni to do what he wants to do, and no real skills or education.

If any sh*t is going to hit the fan between these two, I don't want to be there (or be the cause of it)!

And no way am I going to tell him anything! I'm not the one trapped... at least Im thankful for that and I can still choose someone else. It's just a tragedy to see people in this mess, you know. There is a part of me that wants to right all wrongs but I'm beginning to realise I can't crusade for everyone.

Yes, I have become a little detective from all this, it's easy when you pay close attention to what is being said/written... revenge and exposure was my first intent. But now I see that it's just a waste of my time. I can't stop all the cheaters in the world from conning women, but I can stop me from falling for one again.

This was a bitter lesson, but in all honesty, was not too tragic for me. In fact, this whole thing speaks volumes of me and my own issues, which I should probably work on now.

Thank you for being such an "ear" on all this. Your words gave me a lot of comfort and motivation to find happiness for myself.

PHD or not he is still a stupid loser. And you are right, he might be a bit better at getting away with manipulating women, but I doubt that that has anything to do with his intellegence.

So glad we could help you dear. You had it in you, we just helped you see it sooner through your initial anger.

People have no self respet or morals now a days.. When you have kids it is a life ocmmitment. Just how I feel about it, At one point the love was there and you should be able to work threw your problems instead of running away like a coward

Thank you everyone, for your kind advice. I keep telling myself that what Im doing is the right thing, to purge him from my heart and move on. Reading and re-reading your posts to my question reinforces the support I really needed. Everything you are telling me were alarm bells ringing in my head while I was with him and of course I refused to believe them.

Im not so much angry now, as numb. And so tired of thinking of him all the time. Everyday I wake up and pray that my first thoughts aren't about him and what he is doing. It is getting better, but I have to be honest, I have good days and bad days.

An ex of mine just told me he was getting married next year and I suddenly felt a panic. Im terribly happy for him (she's such a sweetie and they are happy), but I starting to think about me, being alone and scared of ending up alone, and never finding love again, and I started to feel so insecure. And I ALMOST reached for the phone to call him (which he won't answer of course). So silly, right? But he was my best friend for 6 months (I was wrong about the dates in my earlier post), and I needed to talk. It was so hard to NOT send him an email (which he wouldn't have answered anyway, and Id feel like I lost some of my dignity) but I did it. And for that little step, I was so proud of myself.

Even now, when I see his blogs and realise that he's recycling his stories again, and the comments from new women online who think he's the bee's knees, instead of becoming jealous and upset, I find myself rolling my eyes, going "OH GAWD. there he goes again" and then I go off and do other things. Im actually having days when I get BORED reading his stuff. But I have days when I miss him terribly.

Perhaps Im healing a bit??

Im looking forward to the day when I absolutely don't feel the need to wander into his website anymore.

It WILL happen, right?

Even if the two of you magically became a couple in real time, the lie-laced memories you've collected here at the outset of your relationship would always plague you with the piercing question, "Can I trust him -- now?" Not a very promising mantra for a happy future...

Gentle person, you went fishing and caught a brick. It happens. Give yourself time to heal, then shake it off and use your lesson learned to catch yourself a winner!

You'll be fine...