Good afternoon all. I'd very much appreciate to hear any opinions on the following situation:

Girlfriend and I live together for about 4 months so far. We have our ups and downs,
but we love each other very much and intend to build a family... Girlfriend's mother flies in from out of state to visit us for a week. During this time, girlfriend and her mother go out for drinks one night (mothers birthday). Girlfriend and mother stay out late and she does not call me at anypoint during the night. They get home around 7 in the morning from their night out. In the morning I talk with girlfriend about it... She tells me that they were very drunk, and she forgot to call. She tells me they went out to the bars, and went with a couple (man/woman) to their apartment to smoke weed after the bars closed, and went out for breakfast afterwards.

Thats the situation... I broke up with her this morning, becasuse most importantly I dont trust her after this type of behavior, and I dont approve of any woman who is in a serious relationship to be "out" this late. I don't feel that her mothers birthday are an exception either, as she is married herself. Had she called me during the night, I would feel more trusting of her. Her mother is still here for a few more days, but I felt that I had to put the relationship on hold due to our misunderstanding and lack of communications for a couple that live together.

Opinions please! I'd love to hear any and all!

N0help4u

I do know the feeling and it is really crummy but she was out with her mother.
All I was saying is if it is a pattern with her then she is not good for you
if it was out of her character then maybe you did over react.
I am no Dr. Phil my ex husband use to go to work on Monday morning and come home
Monday evening ---a week later so I DO know the feeling. While he was out running around with his friends between work hours I was left home waking up all through the night with that crummy feeling.

Genuineforce

Thanks. I know that you know just what I mean. Its never a mistrust feeling, it is always hoping something didn't happen to them. You lose the trust after you find out that they were fine, and they were actually out drinking/partying or doing drugs. Where I live, bars close between 3-4am anyways, so its not about your partner having their freedom when they get home after 7am and DIDN"T contact you at all. That is suspicious behavior, and depends on the individual how much they will accept of this from their partner I feel. Furthermore, I don't feel that her mother being with her changes anything, actually makes it worse because there is no example for the daughter. Her mother has a good husband at home, who she admits would not have accepted this.....

Regardless they are both grown women and free to make their own choices, just not at my expense, and not while staying in my home. I am the man here, the provider, and I do a damn good job at that. One of my jobs is also to make sure all who live under my roof are safe, even at the cost of my own. This is one of a "real" man's responsibilities. It has nothing to do with being possesive, most certainly not in the age of cell phones and other wireless technology.

Thanks for the comments all, can we get some more voices on this subject?
I'd love to hear from those who already responded, as well as some new

talaniman

Your not married and if its so important to control a female under all circumstances, she is not the one for you so it may be better to set her free and let her enjoy her life, rather than be controlled by a man. You have no give in your game and she sounds like she isn't going to obey you any way.


It may not be to your liking, but you can't go from safety concerns to suspicious, unless you were having trust issues anyway, and with her mother with her to boot.
Thats between mom and daughter and is really none of your business at all. Since you have ended this relationship over it, there is nothing left but to move on and find a more submissive partner you can control, since its obvious that your rules are not meant to be broken.

Honestly, in my more than 30 years of marriage, have I felt it necessary to treat my wife as a child, who needs to be punished for disobedience. We work together to agree on boundaries as equals, and discuss at length our feelings in all situations. When you have reached that point and found that partner you'll be ready for a real love, by a real woman, that you don't have to be so controlling of. Thats your issue to work on not hers. As I have stated at least you are giving her a chance to be free, and happy by getting out of her life.

Depressed in MO

I agree with others here-but I would say that you are just a little more "old-fashioned" rather than controlling-which to some people, may actually mean the same thing. However, I also have to say that I actually agree with YOU most of all. I am a woman, who was in a relationship with a man that did this same exact thing to me. He also used drugs (more than just marijuana and alcohol though). It may differ slightly from your situation as we had children involved; however, some instances relate to yours in a very strong way. At first, he would not come home all night long. He would call and say he was on his way home (on his own free will) but would never actually make it. Then it came to a point where he would do this several days in a row without a single call at all. I agree that this behavior is extremely unacceptable and there is really no reasonable explanation for it at all. It's disrespectful if you are in a committed relationship. Yes, it is upsetting because you do think the worst has happened, that they got hurt or kidnapped or killed. Well, after a while when you find out that they are not hurt or killed, well then you are still pissed because of the worrying you had been put through.
I also agree with you that just because she was with her mother doesn't mean that something "wrong" couldn't have or didn't happen.
Again, this is where I can relate. Referring to the same man I have spoken about above, one instance his dad and his wife at the time came down to visit us in our home (they lived in a different state). Well, they went to go drop off my boyfriend's sister (she came over to our house to visit with her dad too) and then was expected to come back home as we had rented movies and barbecued and all that jazz. Well, needless to say it had been hours and hours and hours before they returned and when they did, needless to say, the stepmom and I were furious. As it turned out, they ended up going to this bar and picked up another female friend of my boyfriend (someone who he had been cheating on me with) and went out and went dancing. And some...His dad ended up telling his stepmom the truth and in return-she told me. That's how I found out.

Now, not every situation-for ex: like yours-is like mine; however, I wouldn't completely ignore the possibility just because the girl was with her mother.

Genuineforce

NEVER FAILS WITHOUT A COMMENT FROM TALANIMAN, showing that he did not even read through your WHOLE post on an issue. This is the doctor phil type comments that I did not want here. I wanted comments from REAL people, who have BEEN in this situation.
Not from someone who, if you look at all their advice in the relationship section, tells people that something is wrong with them EACH time. This may not be the place, but I get the feeling that Talaniman briefly scans your post, and follows up with a very unrealistic eqation with "your problem" on the other side of the eqals sign. Almost like on a talk show (remember ricki lake?) where you see audience members who want to be on tv so they can point fingers and tell people what their problem is.

For someone married for 30 years (probably within a virtual reality bubble together), I highly doubt you would agree with your wife staying out until 7am, no phone call or any notification of any sort. That would be the most rediculous relationship advice I would have ever heard.

Please look through what I have actually typed to you guys, and see what my reasons, yes I said R E A S O N SSS were for letting her go.

JBeaucaire

Aww, Gen, this forum, like any relationship, succeeds or fails on the reaonability of the posters. Disagreeing is one thing, I'm not sure I could defend your post if I was inclined to.

...and we were all on your side until that last one. Oh well.

Genuineforce

Thank you Depressed in MO!
Your advice was the realest so far. I cannot stand the previous, completely FAKE advice
from Talaniman, he is just full of it in his posts. This is no fairytale. This is a real relationship.

Regardless I feel what you are saying, what your partner did was not ok at all either.
No I am not married to her, but what am I to expect from her if this is how she behaves now? Think about it peolple. Thanks for what you've said though.

Some people really confuse old fashioned with possesive. Its funny because they can be more brainwashed than those who they accuse of this because communication and respect have NOTHING to do with controlling or degrading a woman. Not at all

Genuineforce

Speak for yourself

Romefalls19

Genuine...With all due respect, Talaniman's opinion around here is sound and actually looked for. He has helped countless people and when I first got here I tried blaming myself for my break up and he told me that it wasn't my fault so obviously he doesn't always say that. I commend him for his 30 years of marriage because marriages these days are fastly divorced. This is YOUR problem and something is wrong with you, controlling and possessive is a very bad thing to have in a relationship. You wanted someone who was going to do whatever you wanted, she couldn't give you that so you did what you thought was right. There's no shame in that, you know what you want and are making sure you get it.

Genuineforce

I shall repeat:

Communication and respect have NOTHING to do with controlling or degrading a woman. Nothing at all