Hi everyone,

I would be grateful if you could give me some advice on my little issue...

Basically I have been going out with my boyfriend, Stefan for 8 months. I am 21 and he is 33. He is divorced and has 2 young children from his previous marriage.

I love him and wouldnt give him up for the world, but recently we have have had a huge row.

A few days ago, he told me that he didnt want to have children and didnt want to get married as he had done it all before, etc., etc., and that he still wanted to be with me.

I was very upset about it and cried, but told him that I needed more time to think about it.

I understand that he gets a little jealous if I have a few male friends, so I lied to him about meeting one of my male friends, later on in the week, just so he wouldnt get into a hissy fit or be worried about anything. This is the second time I lied to him, just to stop him from getting unnessesarily worried.

The first time around, we argued, but I said that I wouldnt do it again.

The second time, he surprised me by saying that he was home, but in fact, he was actually at my place when I was out, so basically he caught me out.

When I got back, I told him that nothing was going on, and that my friend Rich, was just a mate, but we had a huge row infront of Rich, who was brave enough to stay throughout our whole barney...

Still, Stefan was angry that I lied to him, but I hadnt cheated on him at all, and would NEVER cheat on him.

The truth is, I was upset about the whole marriage and baby matter...I liked the idea of kids etc., but its not like I wanted to get preggers right away!! Obviously I would have to have a secure home and job first, but When he told me what his thoughts were, I was so jealous of his other kids!

Since then, I found comfort talking To Rich and his mate Amy who I am really good friends with, and Rich understands what I am saying, even though he is 18, he is very mature etc., and he understands both our points of view. After all, he did sit through our argument!!

Me and Rich get on very well, and I dont want to lose him as a friend, and I love Stefan ever so much...but I dont know how I can regain his trust...

Please tell me, what should I do? I always thought I had the answers, but I just dont. I love Stefan because he has been so good to me and has helped me out in hard times, but Rich is also a good mate, though now he is moving away, though I still want to keep in touch with him and Amy.

Please let me know how I can sort this out and let me know what you think...

Thank you x

Bubblenn

I'm also 21 and i think ur too young for this relationship. U deserve a guy who would marry u in a second and who wants to give u evertything that u want...

This is too big an issue to just ignore and i t will come up again in the future..

It's gonna be hard, but get out asap..the longer u wait the harder it's gonna get..

Wildcat21

You lied to him and he lied to you. We've been through this before with you. You are too young and imature to handly a relationship with lying to the guy. You and Stefan are destained for a very ugly relationship - I advise moving on. There is ZERO trust between you. Stefan sounds very imature as well.

Dreamer

Hi Kimberlie,

What you need to do is be honest with yourself here. If being married and having kids is part of your future plan, then you need to rethink this relationship obviously. I understand that Stefan may be a huge part of your life and you may love him to absolute bits, but if he is only willing to give so much, and you have plans for more, than how can it ever work? Stefan is reacting based on previous experiences and that is understandable. Divorce and bad relationships are tough to get over. What you need to find out for sure is if this is something permanant or temporary. If it's permanant, than the ball is in your court. Decide what you truly want out of life and go for it. You can find love again, and you don't HAVE to sacrifice your life dreams for someone else.

On to the trust issue. It's easy to lose and hard to gain. It CAN however be regained. I don't know why everyone thinks this is so impossible. It is extremely difficult, and takes a whole lot of work, but it is NOT impossible by any means. Sometimes relationships are worth the work, and sometimes they aren't. This is for you to decide. You need to sit down with Stefan and explain to him how you feel, and vice versa, and see where that leads you. You may never be the exact same after the mis-trust issues, but that is sometimes the price you pay. It just depends how much you can grow as a couple during this time.

Think really long and hard about what you want and need out of life. You have the right to have Rich and Amy as a part of your life. Your life partner should be able to understand where you're coming from on this. You need your friends too. If he can't accept this fact, then he's a bit too possessive. That's never healthy either.

Best wishes on this one. If you need more advice, I'll be glad to listen.