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-   -   Was it too late? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=658658)

  • May 9, 2012, 05:56 AM
    takingtoolong1
    Was it too late?
    I'm 21 this year. I have been with this guy for 2 years and 5 months so far. We had an extremely rocky relationship. My boyfriend used to control me too much. Example, I was not allowed to go out with my friends too often, can't talk to them on the phone for too long, I had a curfew etc. When I don't follow those rules, he will go crazy and call my, my friends and my sister repeatedly to scold me. We fought a lot about these issues and he always promised that he would change, but never did.

    Few months ago, I couldn't take it any longer and made up my mind to leave him. We broke up and I realized that I was happier without him and had pretty much moved on with my life.. he was overseas at that time, but a week later, he took a flight back to surprise me and ask me to forgive him. He promised that he would change and so I agreed.

    Right now, I must say he has improved a lot. He actually did change and stopped giving me rules and stuff.

    The problem is, I feel like I don't feel the same about him as before? No more lovey doveyness, the sparks gone. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel nothing for him which is weird because we were so in love. Maybe it was too late for him to want me back? Or should I wait it out and see if I get the feelings back?
  • May 9, 2012, 12:20 PM
    pandead
    A controlling relationship can be hard for both people so it's only human that you wanted out because you wanted your life back (it is the healthy attitude) and you wanted to give it another shot because everyone deserves one.

    But most of the time, the controlling person isn't aware of the damage he/she caused over time and yes, it could be too late. You must be exhausted from the first part, which makes the second part OK, but not great. The fact that you are concerned about not being in love with him, in my opinion, shows that you care about people and you are aware of the damage it caused to you over 2 years - it's a long time.

    Others might not be OK with this; I believe in second chances - only once, though. If his controlling had a particular reason (if you made him insecure by cheating on him for instance) I'd say wait and see how it goes. If you still don't feel the "spark", then let him go. Just remember, a lot people people involved in controlling and abusive relationships need professional counseling to "go back to normal" if they ever do. Keep listening to your heart, but don't ignore your brain. If your brain tells you it's not right, then it probably isn't.
    Good luck.
  • May 9, 2012, 04:59 PM
    mmresd
    An ex is an ex, break up with him if things are not how you want them to be. If you have lost feelings for him it would probably be best to just end them completely, and that only happens with time and distance.
  • May 9, 2012, 07:02 PM
    none12345
    Your feelings has changed because once you got to know who he really was and more about him, you didn't like it and felt it was an unhealthy relationship. Now things are different because of the horrible things he did to you and I'm sure deep down you don't see that is guy want to be with. It is probably too late, you shouldn't wait around because then you would string him along. Of course, all couples fight to some degree and there are some that are minor and there are some that a too big to the extent where you two can't go back how it was before. He was controlling to you and I doubt you can ever forget that. Both of you should take this as a learning experience and move on with your life. Plus it seems to me, you feel better now without him. If you were to stay with him, I can almost gauarntee this will be a recurring problem. However if you break up with him, it can benefit both you and him. For you, you can move on, find another guy that you are happier with. For him, he can learn from this experience and try to improve himself for the next relationship. However if you stay with him, he will most likely think that all he needs to do is to do some romantic thing like fly across the ocean to ask you to forgive him and you will take him back. As a result, he won't learn anything.

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