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Three Year Relationship - One Month After Breakup
Asked Dec 25, 2011, 03:24 AM
I'm a 27 year old male that just got out of a serious 3-year relationship. I was living with my ex-girlfriend for 3 years before our recent breakup last month, and we spent almost every day together.
We loved each other from the beginning to almost the end of our relationship. She had just graduated from college with her bachelors degree 2011, and I received my associates in 2008 prior to the beginning of our relationship.
We first met in 2007 at my work, while I was a sales associate. She was a customer looking for a canoe/kayak that she decided to purchase. I took her information down on a simple sheet of paper to transfer it later due to the busy traffic.
A year and half passed, and I meet her again, for what we thought was the first time, in an old bar were she was taking a line dancing class. I had just finished a days work and was highly attracted to her.
I approached her and spoke with her for a couple minutes but didn't want to take up too much of her time. She had to leave shortly after and her roommate insisted she give me her phone number.
The next day or day after we began to communicate and gradualy learned more about one another. She found me just as interesting as I found her. A couple months had passed and she asked that I move into an apartment with her. I couldn't resist. I had no experience living with a girlfriend before, so this was all new to me. I was living with family at the time, and I was getting used to seizure medication. I had petite mal seizures but the medication completely stopped them.
While I began to pack everything, I found the original number that she had provided me with at the bottom of my desk drawer with old change and coins. I thought it looked familiar with the date, name and number listed. Then I realized it was hers.
I felt shocked at first, but then I told her about it and she was surprised. It was an unbelievable feeling; moving in with a beautiful woman who I had just built a three month relationship with (I know not long), who I had spoken to a year and half ago. I felt that young "ment to be" feeling, that I will never forget.
Well, a couple years went buy, and we had a few strugles, but we always seemed to get along well. I pursued a job interview in a different state that she wanted me to get, and was willing to move with me; however, I never ended up getting the job due to my lack of experience in the field.
A year later she purchased her first condo. I didn't totally agree with it because I didn't feel comfortable with the location, but I was willing to stand by her and accept it for her. I'm a real estate appraiser, and I thought there were better long term options available, but she was wanting to take advantage of the first time home buyer program, to pay off school and complete her degree, which she did this year, 2011.
I ended up working back at my original job as a trainee appraiser and she started a new job in her field after graduating. Although, there was one previous small break up just this last March that lasted less than 24 hours, which I believe was due to her stress from school and my lack of work at that time, everything was going great.
We had a great summer together, adopting a young dog from the pound and refinishing portions of the condo. We even had a great sex life, and we both enjoyed being around each others friends and family. I will admit I had a few petite mal seizures throughout our relationship that were handled through my doctor and medication, but there were still others that slipped through the cracks.
I decided to get back into college to achieve a bachelors degree and put my original pursuit of appraisal practice on hold. I was going to school full time, which I had only accomlished once at a junior college, and my girlfriend was enjoying her new job.
School was never first on my list, and I didn't really need the degree; However, I thought it would be great to get out of the way. My stress levels started to go through the roof with school, while I was refinishing the flooring in the condo at the same time.
About half way through the semester I had a bad car accident while driving by myself, and I totalled my car. I believe it was due to a seizure, which I explained to the insurance company and my doctor. My girlfriend and I unfortunately started to gradualy separate after this point.
She has always felt scared in tramatic situations, and I assume her stress level was high when she realized my accident was due to a seizure. It is one of the most frustrating things I have ever had to deal with my entire life, because I feel that this relationship developed into something so great up until this point 3 years later.
Just through writing this description, I feel I have answered some of my own questions, but it would really help to know if I will possibly have another opportunity to share my life with this beautiful companion. I'm hoping that time will tell.
We broke up about a month ago. Its christmas today, and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I could tell she was in pain when we decided to separate, but it was mainly in her interest. She packed all of my items and asked me to stay with family. She also told me the two sexual relationships she had with her good friend prior to us starting our relationship. She had spent time with him while we were together but swore she never did anything during that time.
I've seen the doctor since, finished school, and have had no other seizures after increasing my medication. I became drunk for the first time in months with a family member, and I called her at 1:30 in the am but never left her a message. I then apolagized to her the next day through a text, but I never received a response.
The beginning of the relationship was great before I started depending more on her with a place to live while in school, and after my accident. I trust that she didn't cheat on me with her friend during our relationship because I don't believe she's that type. I feel that we created a good foundation for a possible future relationship; however, I don't know if my prior seizures will hold us apart, and I don't know if she has possibly began a new relationship. I'd like to know if I will have any kind of relationship with her ever again. I've never had a 3 year relationship, nor have I had one end completely in one week. And, I worry that she feels I'm codependant.
Please provide any comments. Sorry about the spelling.
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Dec 25, 2011, 04:18 AM
I have one question that sounds mundane and overly practical, but I don't think it is: did you drive again after the accident? If not, how did you get to school and other places? Did your doctor say you could still drive? Who shopped and so on?
I ask because the break up occurred not long after this, and you mention feeling that you might have been too dependent. I'm wondering if her 'drifting away' wasn't so much from fear of being around someone who has seizures as it was a tendency on your part to rely on her to do all the chores too much through the rest of the semester.
I wonder too about finances. Were your parents paying for your expenses and school? Were you contributing equally to the household expenses in the condo? Is there a chance that she felt you were not going to be as independent and on your own when school was finished? She packed your things and told you to go home - that has a connotation of treating you like a someone who needs to be home (unless I'm reading too much into this).
Anyway, Merry Christmas.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Dec 25, 2011, 09:41 AM
I don't have a clue if there will be a future with this lady, nor if she will ever come back. I do know that many things in life affect our feelings and outlooks, and we change as time changes us. Seems she has changed, and even though its been a month, you are probably still in shock and having a very hard time adjusting to the dramatic changes you are going through.
None can predict the future, but for sure, for now you leave her alone and cope with your own feelings as the emotional dust settles, and you start standing on your own, and building a solid foundation for yourself.
Not only does this focus you in a positive direction, it also lets you put your best foot forward as you heal, and hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
Its about adjusting to the changes, so things can get better no matter what happens between you both. I fear she has outgrown the relationship, and needs to explore her potential, without you. Whatever is on her mind, you proceed like she will never come back, and doesn't want to. This allows healing without false hope, and greater misery, and pain than you already have.
Sorry for your loss.
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Dec 25, 2011, 11:10 AM
I did not drive after the accident. I probably won't for the next year or two just to make sure this medication works properly, so far it has. My ex worked less than a mile from the university so it wasn't hard for her to drop me off on her way to work. In fact, it was easier for her and I because she was able to use the car pool lane, as there were two people in the car. It was great because she started the job as soon as I started school.
I purchased a bike soon after the accident and that is what I used for my personal transportation within a proximity of our condo. My doctor is required to notify the DMV about my seizure and the law requires 3 or 6 months of no driving until the seizures are controlled. My doctor never made it clear that I wouldn't be able to drive in the future; therefore, I assume the doctor would give me permission after the medication has worked. The medication is the same medication I've been taking, however, it has been increased. If stress levels increase it is usual to increase seizure medication. I'm also taking a second medication.
My mother joined in my last appointment with the doctor. The appointment was the day we broke up. I had a sense that my girlfriend did not want to join; therefore, I told her she didn't have to and she decided not to join. I actually started to pack my material before she did because I wanted her to feel comfortable knowing that I would be out shortly if she really didn't want me around, while I was still attending school.
I helped with the bills, food, and gas sometimes. I had been helping with the condo payment while working full time, otherwise I was spending time refinishing the condo and she was happy with that. My parents were not paying for anything. I had a student loan that was covering some expenses except for the condo payment while in school.
Unknowing it was one of the last times she would drive me to school, I was pointing out apartments near the university that I was looking at the previous week due to her frustrations with traffic near the campus. I mainly pointed them out to be honest with her and to she her reaction. I figured if she smiled then she definitely wouldn't want me around her, but she didn't react.
I'm sure my insurance won't cover all the damage and expense from the car accident. Would it be possible she is worried that she could be held liable? She has no equity in her condo and we haven't lived together long enough to be considered domestic partners; however, she has money elsewhere.
Is it possible she just wants a break, or maybe she just wants to see if I can handle myself without her? I'm not exactly sure. She was never good at communicating what she felt. I know she had a guilty feeling and she didn't want to see me after she packed all my stuff. She even paid me what was left of my rent from our agreement with trading my half for installing flooring. One of the last memories I had with her while driving home after class, was when she told me her parents really liked me. A couple weeks after we had separated, at the beginning of December, I had poinsettias delivered to her parents place. I wanted to show them some respect.
My sisters and friends were "friends" with her on Facebook as I was too; she is now only a friend with my two female friends, one of which was originally only her friend before we met. My sisters deleted her and she blocked me and my sisters and all my guy friends. I was never a big Facebook person but she was. I feel like I hurt her feelings, she feels guilty, and we just need a break. I never called her on her birthday at the beginning of the month either, after we had broken up. I felt she wanted to be left alone. I just really love her, and haven't stopped thinking about her.
My main question is if I should let this go, or be patient and see what happens in time. The truth is I don't know if I could simply just let it go. I don't know why she told me about her and her friends relationship she had before our relationship either. I don't believe she cheated on me; I just wonder why she even told me about her previous relationship if she no longer wanted to be with me and no longer had feelings for me. Is it possible she thought I was cheating and by telling me this it would allow me to express it to her?
She did mention how she felt unsafe after I had the accident. In what way can I prove to her that she'll be safe? Should I just leave her alone and if she really loves me she'll come back? I don't feel that is the best way to handle this. And I get the feeling she still truly misses me.
Maybe I'll eventually get over this and meet someone else. I just can't imagine meeting someone I can get along with and live with as easy right, now and I still love her. I sent her a "Merry Christmas" text today and she instantly replied "Merry Christmas!"
Im just going to take it day by day and give her her space and focus on myself. I may try contacting her in the future again sometime. Comment if you'd like please.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Dec 25, 2011, 12:23 PM
No one just gets over someone, and after a month, you can hardly be expected to be healed. That's what really gets us the most, the uncertainty of what happens next.
Adjustments take time, and until you have been in the situation, you will never understand how feelings can change with partners, but its very common among the young, just because they are going through so many growth changes. It happens. It can't help but happen, so try not to dwell on whys, and what ifs. It drives you crazy. You just need time.
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Dec 25, 2011, 03:28 PM
Thank you all and Merry Christmas!
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