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Met with my ex for drinks yesterday, we ended up talking for 3 hours. Mind you none of what i'm posting here is the product of me coaching her. She's said that she's begining to go through a process of a lot of personal growth. She realizes she spends too much time running from the problem and hoping it goes away, and realizes it doesn't work. She also indicated that just recently is when she started being capable of separating me from the situation of the relationship. She basically acknowledges that the problems in the relationship weren't the product of my personality, just that it's what happens when people are backed into a corner.
One of the other key developments is that she also believes that she didn't leave me, she left the relationship. AKA she didn't want to leave, she needed to. That's an unhealthy relationship, both of us are aware, but neither one of us was interested in hurting each other, we just couldn't find out how to get our points across. We wanted the same things but didn't know how to get them.
She wants to keep me in her life, but at a distance for the time being until she figures things out more. She hasn't ruled out the idea of reconciliation either, although she's hesitant to comment on it.
So my question is, does this sound to you guys like there's a potential for something real to happen again? I realize most of the people would say that i'd be wise to let it go and wait for her to come to me, but on the other hand, she said she hadn't called to talk in a while because she felt bad after what she'd done, and assumed i'd never want to talk to her again. So out of sight is out of mind, particularly for somebody that's as meek as she is right now. Thoughts or advice?
I never said you hated her or the relationship. Hate is not a word i use. Dont put words in my mouth. There are numerous posts from yuo in the past though saying you didnt enjoy it. Fair enough. there are also numerous posts where you have told us how happy you are now.
Kaitou's posts above are spot on the money in my opinion! Damn rep system.
I know where you are. Trust me. I have been there.
Do you think she has changed, or do you think you want her to be changed so much that you see her as changed.
you are blind by your love for her. Thats fine.
But you still seem to keep running from the fact that she left you. Not just the relationship, but you as well. It is over and over for a reason. Look i would love for her to come back to you and you share a happy and fulfilling life together. But the chances of that happening are next to nothing. As much as id love to see you happy with her, id hate to see you waste so much time feeling miserable and waiting for her to come back when she more than likely isn't.
Id much prefer to see you begin to truly heal. I'm not sure that you are yet. but it is a process and it takes time. We have all felt like you do now in own situations and it is nothing out of the ordinary!
I'm looking for a pattern. Did you, or anybody else, post breakup have this conversation with your ex? I don't mean a forced conversation where, when cornered, they tell you what you want to hear. I mean the conversation where she volunteers to come, confesses all that, admits that a lot of the problems she once thought were my fault, were hers, and spends much of her time trying to convince me she's a better person, without the intention of getting me back. Because, remember, she image she has in her mind of my life, isn't the same as the one that's reality. She's heard of my exploits with my rebound girl/s and believes i have no hope for her. She knows i know she's got some other dude on the line, so for all intents and purposes, she believes i'm over it, and it's a done deal.
Is this an ordinary conversation to have, or is this unusual?
have the thought that maybe the intention behind her confession to you was a closure for herself? Her personal growth could have made her realize own mistake, and now she's feeling really bad and guilty. And just really want to apologize to you.
No, i did not think of that, and it's tips like that, that make me reconsider my plan of action. I'll weigh that in too, thank you. My first reaction is, that it's plausible, but i'd argue that it's a natural part of the process, one way or the other. While i think that it's a large motivating factor, i'd also argue that if that was the majority of her purpose, she'd discontinue contact in most forms. She's encouraging me to stay in touch, and knows full well i'm not interested in talking about tiddleywinks. She also knows that i'm gunning to get her back, and were i in her shoes with your mindset, i'd look to end contact after she's been absolved of her guilt. We'll see, i'll think on it more. Thanks again.
Also, on top of that, i ask the question, if this was a goal at making peace with herself, for whatever her reasons being. It wouldn't make sense that she'd go on about how much X Y and Z that she does in her day to day life remind me of her. And that she was upset by X Y and Z that she heard i said.
Meaning if she's just feeling sorry for me, even knowing i was right and looking to just call it even with herself, i don't think she'd allude to having feelings towards me. Particularly i don't think she'd be obsessing over what i've been doing, because it became clear to me within minutes she'd been just as obsessive as i have been. I'll add more tommorow if i come up with more. Thanks again.
If any thing you said where true you wouldn't have to work so hard to convince yourself. You have assumed a lot about her thoughts and actions which is very dangerous, and gives you a false reality. While I agree it takes longer than 2 months to get over a 2 year relationship, You have done nothing to heal yourself and get healthy. You have not moved on and are still holding on and fooling yourself with false logic, that happens to match what you want, and is no way based in fact. In other words delusional at this point and unhealthy for you both. Go back and look what you've posted since you've been here, and see how stuck you've been. At some point you must stop analyzing, and start acting in your own behalf.
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In the end foreverzero, you will give up on all this analyzing. I've been there, trust me, but in time, you will just give up and begin your path of healing. Like Skell says, I don't think you are quite at that point yet.
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