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First off i want to thank everyone who does read this and gives me some advice. This is the first time i am resorting to typing out my situation on a forum, but after reading some of the advice on here, i thought this would be the best place to do so.
Long story so let me get started. My girlfriend and I are both 20 years old. Both going to college, next semester we'll be going to the same college actually.
Background Info : Her and i are both alike in the sense that, when we're single we don't go "hooking up" with people at parties and such. We pretty much have fun with our friends, but only get intimate with someone we are in a relationship with. We both couldn't cheat on someone we cared so much about. I've had some girlfriends in the past but, only lasted a few months, weren't really serious. Her on the other hand, she's gone through some tough times. 2 boyfriends, long (over a year) relationships, both cheated on her and were real jerks. Her last relationship ended over 2 years ago. I mean ... i can't stand these guys for what they did to her because of how much i care for her.
How it began : Last summer we met through friends and instantly found that we had a lot in common. Slowly became great friends, spent more and more time together. Before we knew it we were doing something together almost every other day. We both kinda realized we found people that were very special. Started kissing, holding hands ... the signs of becoming more then just friends. We continued like this for a couple months until i asked her to become my girlfriend, she responded by saying " i'm not ready for a relationship right now, but i really like you, i just dont think i'm ready ". Didn't think much of it and just continued. 2 weeks later she tells me she's ready, i asked her if she was sure, she was. So we were officially together.
Where it goes wrong : Things were great, no arguments nothing. A month into it i realize shes distancing herself. I brought it up, and she said, She doesn't want to hurt me, and that she doesn't deserve me. That the last thing she wants to do is hurt me, and that we should take a break.
I was pretty devastated, my first serious relationship, and this happens. And we weren't just boyfriend/girlfriend, but we were best friends. Neither of us had been so open and comfortable with another person like we were with each other. Of course i tried No Contact, didn't last long, i was looking for a way to get her back ... all that stuff. Then i realized i had to give her time and space. So we went about a month, talking minimally, studying together occasionally, and i matured a lot. Learned what i did wrong, how to better myself.
Fast Forward : We started going out again, we were pretty much in a relationship without the title. Went like that for a couple months and she started distancing herself again. Brought it up. She was scared again. This time i told her that i wanted her to make a decision, whether we were gunna be just friends, or get back together. Took about 4 days of no contact for her to call me saying she missed me and wanted to work things out.
We slowly got back into it again, same story. Couple months, started getting scared again, distancing herself. Did the same thing, told her that she needs to realize what she wants, kuz it hurts. She came back again saying she wants me to be in her life, that she can't imagine life without me.
Friends were telling me its time for her to make up her mind. And of course, me not wanting to lose her, would accept her coming back without becoming official again. I just didn't want to lose her, why ruin a good thing. But this happened again a couple weeks ago. This time i couldn't take it anymore. I brought it up, told her that look " We shouldn't talk or see each other for a while, we both need some space to think, and realize what we need to do. " I said " Look, maybe you won't be ready for me, i dont know, maybe you'll be ready for the next guy that comes around, i dont know. But what i do know is that, Time, isn't helping here, nothing is changing with time. " I told her that i think she should talk to someone about it, a cousin (doesn't really have any close friends). Because she's confused and we aren't moving forward.
Shes always told me, and said it again, " I don't want to be ready for anyone else, i wanna be ready for you. I can't imagine us not talking, or you not being a part of my life. " We both agreed that this time and space would be good, and that after our finals (around mid may) we would come together, talk and come to a solution. I told her that if she does realize something, that she should call me.
Today : It's been over a week of no contact whatsoever. I won't lie, its been hard, hard as Hell. I miss her, miss waking to a phone call from her, texts all that. I have realized a lot in this time, but i do still want her to be a part of my life. It's been hard not to call, have had some close calls, but i haven't, not yet. Waiting for her to make the call.
All i ever really wanted was a second chance. I'm a different more mature person now. I know i'm not supposed to have hope, but it's tough not to. Just wanted some advice on the situation, if i've played my cards right, and what i should do from this point on.
Once again thank you, i know the post is really long, which makes me appreciate each and every response more due to the length. thank you.
Sweetie you was very specific with your situation, but what I don't get is if she is getting distant all the time because you are doing something wrong? Because you keep on saying in there that you realize what you have done wrong and that you change. Do you love her? because if you do, you want her to be happy without you than un-happy with you.
You keep saying that you changed and you want a second chance. Why do you feel so guilty about it. The way the story reads (as your wrote it) you haven't done a damn thing wrong. the problems all stem from her indecision. I wouldn't feel guilty about asking her to make a decision -- it isn't healthy for you to be dragged along like that. It must have hurt and you had ever right to ask her to make a decision. Just like she has every right to say she isn't ready.
I think it might be time for you to continue with the no contact you have been doing. Your a week in already, so you know how it goes. It can only get easier from here on out. Maybe she'll call you in a few days or weeks and maybe youll start to feel better by yourself and realize you don't need her to call you.
On a separate note: I noticed you said a few times that you were "dating without the title" or dating "unofficially" etc. You need to be careful because what you consider dating she might not and that will lead you to be more invested then she. Maybe you were more into it then she was and she got scared?
Give her all the time, and space she needs, because this really isn't about you, its about her, and her inability to feel as you do. Not that there is any fault in that, just makes it awkward, and hard to be on the same page. No contact is great, and you need the time to accept each others decisions, and move on. If she comes around, and wants what you want, she can always call, but waiting on what if, is for the birds.
Thank you all for the responses. I just want to elaborate more on the situation, in response to your questions.
Kirope : The reason why i said I've changed is ... when we were first together, i was pretty clingy. I won't lie. I didn't realize what i was doing at the time but i was smothering her. Over the course of the past six months i've shown her that, i've matured past that. I've learned a lot in the course of this relationship. And she's said it too, she said " Even though it's been a bumpy road, i think everything has worked out for the best, and i can't wait to see what the future holds for us, because your so special to me. "
About her happiness. This last time before i told her we shouldn't talk i mentioned " Look i just want you to realize what you really want. All i really want is for you to be happy. " and while she was crying she said, and she's said this many times before ... " You make me Happy. You truly make me Happy. " It's tough ... =/
I've realized, and she's said, that she gets distant when we get really close, because she starts getting afraid that she's going to hurt me. Shes been hurt badly before so she knows how it feels and doesn't want to do the same to me. Not that she would cheat on me or anything but, in a sense that if we get back together, she will start having this fear of what happens if things don't work out. We mean a lot to each other. And i've expressed to her many times that, "I know i can get hurt, anyone can get hurt, but that's the risk i take to want to be with you. We don't know when we are going to get hurt. "
BigBird : We did agree on talking about it after our Finals are over, no stress, the freedom of summer. So we will talk about it, and i'm waiting for her to make the call because only then do i want to discuss anything, i want her to realize what she wants.
Also about the "dating without the title" the only reason why i refer to it that way is because, we both agreed that's what was going on. She's said it several times " If we were officially together we'd be doing the same things we do now. It's no difference ." Her older brother even asked her " Wow you two are spending a lot of time together for friends. " She responded with .. " well we're not just friends, we're in a relationship without the title for now because i'm just not ready. " So ... the only reason i refer to it that way is because we both do.
Talaniman: I agree completely. That's what i'm trying to do right now. I want her to do good on her finals so i don't want to bring anything up, and after that, she has time to think. I will be waiting on her to see how she feels and what she wants to do.
- On a side note. I also wanted to add. What if when we do talk about it, she says she wants to be with me, but isn't ready, and continue what we've done the past few months ( relationship without the title, which includes exclusivity for us ). I have been thinking and i'm not sure what i'd do. I feel like i'd rather want her to be a part of my life then nothing at all. I feel like i'd accept it and want to work on things. But am also afraid that it will end up like this again. Sometimes i feel like ... she'll never be ready. When she does feel ready, she get scared within a month.
After reading, I think the best thing for you to do is give her space. Try to go No contact but if you cant the next best thing you can do is to be her friend. Make sure you're strict about that. If she ever tells you that she wants to be with you just say that "i may not be Mr. Right now, but i may be Mr. Right later"
If she calls, tell her to take her time and deal with her emotions because you will be there for her but you wont be waiting for her. You want her to be able to trust you but you dont want to make it seem as if you're dependent on her.
Sorry guy, but trying to make her think as you do, is a waste of time and you already know she doesn't. When you get tired of going in circles, you'll do what you have to, to move on.
Thanks Spion. It would honestly be very difficult for me to be "just friends" with her. I'd like to hope that if things don't work out, we can become friends, but it will take time. A lot of time for me.
I love what you said though about me being there for her but not waiting for her. I always have put forth the image that i'm waiting for her, and that i'm pretty much dependent on her. The time of No Contact for the past 8 days has helped me become less dependent. And realize how i do need to act, and essentially change. I need to be my Own self, and allow us to Compliment each other, not be Substitutes. A lot of my good friends have moved away for college, leaving me with ... not so many buddies to hang out with so it's been difficult.
Thanks for the advice.
Talan : I just feel like something had to be working when we just kind of, "went with the flow" because there was a high point we were at when she did feel ready. I just feel like we can work through it. Yea it may not work but, we'll see. I'm willing to try. Not ready to give up just yet.
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