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    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 14, 2008, 09:44 PM
    I think I got obsessed
    My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago, after we were going out for four months, over a text message, and I think the main reason was because I got too involved in her life and she wanted to hang out with her friends more. I got upset when she started hanging out with them instead of me, and that's what caused us to argue and breakup. It was pretty much my fault, because one of the things she liked about me was that I'm a really nice person, but then one night I said a couple of not too nice things when I found out I wasn't going to see her for almost two weeks because of her friends. She was my first girlfriend, and I didn't realize it's okay to want to see your friends sometimes, because at first she didn't have a problem with being away from them. After we broke up, she told me she thought about it a lot and decided her friends are more important. I just hate that I made her choose, because I really didn't want to make it seem like she had to. I don't know why I was all obsessed like that, because it seems silly when I think about it. The problem is, I might still be obsessed because I kind of sent her some emails over the past two weeks that said I was sorry and I explained that I got obsessed, and I told her her friends won't be a problem because I learned my lesson. I said I would have stopped if she would have given me a chance. Now I realize I should have just given her space instead of sending her like 6 emails. She responded to two of them, but not to any of the last three. I decided to stop contacting her, but I think I might still have those kind of strong feelings for her, and she's in a couple of my classes at school (I'm sixteen) and I'll have to talk to her in a week when school starts. I'm just looking for advice, because I'm having trouble moving on.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #2

    Aug 15, 2008, 01:47 AM
    When you see her at school, ask if you could speak to her for just a moment. (and MAKE it just a moment) Tell her that you are really sorry for crowding her, and invading her space, and you've realised why she picked her friends, instead of having to worry about you being upset all of the time when she was with them.

    You've not only made her choose her friends over you, but after you appologized, you sent her a bunch of emails again. She was giving you a message, to tell you to lay off a bit, and you didn't, so now you are really going to have to back off for awhile. Bite your upper lip and wait! If you move in too quick, you are sure to get the same response from her.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #3

    Aug 15, 2008, 05:19 AM
    All you can do is back off, you pushed and pushed her too far and now she is ignoring you. To make someone chose between their friends and you will never work out in your favor. Friends come first because they will be there when the dust settles from the crash of the relationship. It's going to be a VERY hard thing to do in getting her back because for every word you say about changing, there are 4 friends of hers telling her, you can't change
    quaely's Avatar
    quaely Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 15, 2008, 05:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by imadeamistake
    My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago, after we were going out for four months, over a text message, and i think the main reason was because i got too involved in her life and she wanted to hang out with her friends more. i got upset when she started hanging out with them instead of me, and thats what caused us to argue and breakup. It was pretty much my fault, because one of the things she liked about me was that i'm a really nice person, but then one night i said a couple of not too nice things when i found out i wasn't gonna see her for almost two weeks because of her friends. She was my first girlfriend, and i didn't realize it's okay to want to see your friends sometimes, because at first she didn't have a problem with being away from them. After we broke up, she told me she thought about it alot and decided her friends are more important. I just hate that i made her choose, because i really didn't want to make it seem like she had to. I dunno why i was all obsessed like that, because it seems silly when i think about it. The problem is, i might still be obsessed because i kinda sent her some emails over the past two weeks that said i was sorry and i explained that i got obsessed, and i told her her friends won't be a problem because i learned my lesson. I said i would have stopped if she would have given me a chance. Now i realize i should have just given her space instead of sending her like 6 emails. She responded to two of them, but not to any of the last three. I decided to stop contacting her, but i think i might still have those kind of strong feelings for her, and she's in a couple of my classes at school (I'm sixteen) and i'll have to talk to her in a week when school starts. I'm just looking for advice, because i'm having trouble moving on.
    Why don't you ask her to be friends and see what happens.
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 16, 2008, 06:48 AM
    I know I made a mistake by making her choose between her friends and me, but I really didn't mean for her to have to make that choice. What happened was she used to hang out with me every day, but then I started seeing her less and less and I didn't know why, so I questioned her about it and she got really upset, and now that I think about it, some of the things I said may have sounded like she had to choose between me and her friends. She didn't tell me why I was seeing her less until after we broke up. She told me the reason she started seeing me less was because when we were seeing each other every day, she had fun, but she started missing seeing her friends. I didn't know that her friends meant that much to her until after we broke up. So I apologized for that and I told her I didn't want to make her choose, and that I didn't know she missed her friends until it was too late. She did answer my emails yesterday, and she said what I'm saying makes sense, but she doesn't want a boyfriend right now and she really needs her space, and she suggested that we should still be friends. Now it sounds to me like I might be able to be her boyfriend again when she is ready, but I don't know if I should try to get her back. I think I like the friends idea, but I don't know what to do now because she made it sound like the main reason we broke up was because she missed her friends. Is it wrong for me to think I can still eventually be her boyfriend, if I just give her space for awhile?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Aug 16, 2008, 08:46 AM
    She did answer my emails yesterday, and she said what I'm saying makes sense, but she doesn't want a boyfriend right now and she really needs her space,
    Translation-Leave her alone.
    she suggested that we should still be friends.
    She is being nice, but she means leave her alone
    Now it sounds to me like I might be able to be her boyfriend again when she is ready
    Oh heck no, if that's what you heard you were not listening.
    I don't know if I should try to get her back.
    Keep your dignity and self respect, don't do it.
    I think I like the friends idea,
    But it ain't going to happen anytime soon, trust me!
    I don't know what to do now because she made it sound like the main reason we broke up was because she missed her friends.
    That and you smothered her and acted a jerk, so now she nows what your bad side looks like.
    Is it wrong for me to think I can still eventually be her boyfriend, if I just give her space for awhile?
    YES IT IS, because its to late and she will move on to someone else.

    My best advice is to move on and never forget what you have learned from this experience. It may be too late to impress her but there will be other opportunities, if you let go and leave her alone and get ready for whatever else life has for you.
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Aug 30, 2008, 12:18 AM
    I know I need to move on... I just wish she would have talked to me first before she broke up with me. And I think we're still friends, but we're not going to talk for a couple weeks because she needs space and I'm not quite ready to move on. I do feel a lot better than I used to, but I still have strong feelings for her. Is it wrong to be her friend and still have those feelings, even if she doesn't have them for me?
    katringette22's Avatar
    katringette22 Posts: 57, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Aug 30, 2008, 12:53 AM
    I had that with this guy I like and he told me to back off he wasn't going to go out with me and now we are slowly getting closer. It was so bed he sent me an e-mail crying because I fliped on some other girl for talking to him. Now he's missing seeing me and stuff. If its meant to be it will happen
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Sep 3, 2008, 07:41 PM
    I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. I've backed off a lot, and we still say hi in school in stuff, and we're on pretty good terms. I still have feelings for her, so we decided not to try to be close friends just yet. We still enjoy hanging out together, we just had some issues in the relationship that were unavoidable. I made a list of steps I need to take before I can safely approach her as a friend. It wouldn't be fair to her if I tried to be her friend just so I could make her my girlfriend. The list is basically just stuff I need to do to assure myself I won't try to get her back. It should be about a month before I complete it. Is that a good amount of time to wait before we start talking or hanging out and stuff? I won't do it until I'm completely sure I won't try to get her back, because the result would just cause more pain. But we're at least on friendly terms, so that's a good start.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #10

    Sep 3, 2008, 08:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by imadeamistake
    I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. I've backed off alot, and we still say hi in school in stuff, and we're on pretty good terms. I still have feelings for her, so we decided not to try to be close friends just yet. We still enjoy hanging out together, we just had some issues in the relationship that were unavoidable. I made a list of steps i need to take before i can safely approach her as a friend. It wouldn't be fair to her if i tried to be her friend just so i could make her my girlfriend. The list is basically just stuff i need to do to assure myself i won't try to get her back. It should be about a month before i complete it. Is that a good amount of time to wait before we start talking or hanging out and stuff? I won't do it until i'm completely sure i won't try to get her back, because the result would just cause more pain. But we're at least on friendly terms, so that's a good start.
    I think what you're doing is absolutely the right way to go. It could take a month, or it could be a lot longer. Just make sure you are ready for it when you do approach her on a friendship level. Don't try to rush it, and make sure you aren't lying to yourself when and if you become friends again. In the meantime, do not make this list your total focus and priority. Make new friends too, and have fun with them. Get out and play sports, do some other activities to further yourself, and definitely work on your jealousy and control issues. I'm happy that you've decided to back away, and give both yourself and her some time. :)
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Sep 13, 2008, 11:45 AM
    I've never really had jealousy or control issues before, and I'm just as surprised as she is that I acted the way I did. I was the last person I thought would have gotten jealous. But then again I've never cared about anyone the way I cared about her. I started finding myself planning out everything I did around making sure I wouldn't be busy at a time where I could hang out with her. As a result I started blowing off my friends, and so did she for awhile. But when she stopped blowing them off I guess my head started spinning.

    But I know better now. I should never have been so wrapped up in her life, because then I forgot that I had a life of my own to live. She realized she needed to live her own life, instead of spending all her time with me, and when I started to complain about it she broke up with me.

    But I feel better every day, and I am starting to do some of the things I stopped doing while we were going out, and I'm becoming more accepting of what happened. I just hope I can find somebody that I like as much as I liked her. I wish I could have known all of this before I did what I did, because I really cared about her, and she really cared about me too, until I started acting the way I did. I'm not going to approach her to be friends, I'm going to let her decide when she's ready.

    I don't know what love is, and I have no idea if what we had was love. I do know I've never felt anything like it before, and we called it love. And I'm afraid that I still feel that way. I don't want her to be my girlfriend again, but I'm afraid that I still really care about her. I think of her more as like a sister than a girlfriend though, because I still care about her, and I THINK I love her, but I do know I would NEVER go out with her again. I wouldn't want to take any chances of hurting her again. I need to learn a lot more about MYSELF before I try to love anyone again, because now I know what can happen.

    Thank you for all the responses, and I'm feeling happier than I have in over a month.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #12

    Sep 13, 2008, 01:14 PM
    I'm so very happy for you that you could put it all into perspective like you did. From the things I've read that you've written, I don't think I have a shadow of a doubt that you will find another girl, and you will remember your past mistakes. That's usually why break-ups happen. It teaches us how NOT to do things the next time around.

    The Best of luck to you! Don't worry, with your positive attitude you will find someone great I'm sure! :)
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 16, 2008, 07:44 PM
    Thank you for the support! You're right, I'm glad I learned so much from all of this, and hopefully I will remember it for the future, because I don't want to mess up again if I ever find a girl that I like as much as I liked her. Everyone's responses have been helpful and I am grateful for all the help I have received from this site.

    As much as I want to find someone I like as much as her right now, I know the chances of that are slim to none and it will probably take a lot of time before I even know myself well enough to enter a successful relationship. For now I guess I'll just go with the flow and learn from my mistakes. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll make relationship mistakes, but hopefully I can keep them to a minimum. :)
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #14

    Sep 17, 2008, 10:38 AM
    I think the easiest way to meet the best girls, is to stop looking for them. Seriously, if you are looking too hard, chances are you are not going to find her in short form. Once you stop looking, concentrate on improving yourself, and just relax about it all, you could just be at the carwash or waiting for the light to turn green to cross the street, and she'll be right there. Now that's not to say you shouldn't keep your eyes open, and take opportunities when they are presented... like a party, or social gatherings where there will be lots of girls, I just mean the more you pay attention to it, the more it shows.

    Stick around the site, and read other peoples threads too. There's lots of good, (sometimes not so good) advice to learn from, even it doesn't apply to your situation. I don't know if you've read them, but you might want to to check out the "sticky's" at the top in the relationship forum. There's some very good advice there too, whether you're in a relationship or not. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Sep 17, 2008, 11:55 AM
    imadeamistake, Thank you for the support! You're right, I'm glad I learned so much from all of this, and hopefully I will remember it for the future, because I don't want to mess up again if I ever find a girl that I like as much as I liked her.
    Reality check- Chances are you'll meet someone you like better, and screw up even worse, thats human, most of us have been in many relationships, that have ended and we have had to learn to cope and move on. I mean what else can a person do???


    As much as I want to find someone I like as much as her right now,
    I know the chances of that are slim to none
    Reality check-Broken hearts are blind to chances and opportunities, which is so human. We all have felt that way after a break up!

    and it will probably take a lot of time before I even know myself well enough to enter a successful relationship.
    Reality check-This has probably been your whole problem from the start, your still learning who you are. But thats not a problem, its part of the learning process, as is the relationship experience. There is a bigger picture here besides a broken heart your learning to cope with. We all go thru that to!

    For now I guess I'll just go with the flow and learn from my mistakes. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll make relationship mistakes, but hopefully I can keep them to a minimum.
    You got it!!!!:)
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Sep 18, 2008, 02:48 PM
    Haha I have a feeling I'm going to be in for a bunch of reality checks in the future. But that's all part of it I guess.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
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    #17

    Sep 18, 2008, 05:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by imadeamistake
    haha i have a feeling i'm gonna be in for a bunch of reality checks in the future. But that's all part of it i guess.
    You betcha you are, trust me on that! LOL! But I'm really happy that you aren't one of the people that come here and ask for our advice, and then get pissed because you only wanted someone to agree with you, and pat you on the back just to make you feel better. I get called names all of the time for telling someone the truth on here.

    I've made a trillion mistakes in relationships, still do, and will continue to do so! :rolleyes: Every situation is different, but the best thing to do is to recognise it, and fall on your butt a few more times, screw up left, right, and center, and then try your best not to do it the next time. That's about all we can do! As long as you have respect, and most of all, honest communication (that doesn't mean calling or texting 80 times a day... lol) then whatever happens... well happens. ;)
    imadeamistake's Avatar
    imadeamistake Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Sep 20, 2008, 09:19 AM
    That's very true. I think our problem was partially in the communication, because we started to argue because of a misunderstanding. If we would have just calmed down and talked about it then this probably wouldn't have happened. Oh well, now I know better

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