I'll keep this one quick, just looking for a bit if insight...

Without getting into specifics:

-Girlfriend wants space, trying to handle personal problems.
-Doesn't want to "break up", afraid of losing me forever
-She is trying to feel things out without me, her personal problems being she is TOO dependent which leads to obsession, anger, treating me poorly
-The "space" apart is meant to (hopefully) allow her to not take me for granted and appreciate the time we get more = less stupid arguing about nothing

Heres the problem, she gets lonely too quick (due to the constant communication we had, both our problems, I admit). She will be terribly upset after one day, and call me. I told her about it and said by doing that she won't be able to experience what she wants, life without me being her support.

As the relationship isn't necessarily over (yet i guess), how do I handle if she calls? (right now the cells dead and im not rushing to charge it ) Do I let it go and then call after time has passed? I don't want to answer, but sometimes its hard to watch the phone ring when you know someone you care about so much is so upset.

talaniman

Maybe it would be best to set some boundaries or time limits. And stick to them.

bigbird213

Tal, can you elaborate on that a little? I already told her that talking everyday isn't going to work and mentioned that seeing each other is not a good idea. Do you mean a time limit as in we will re-discuss this on such and such date?

ampersandra

Talaniman is right. And just to add on what he's said as well as your question, it seems that you'll have to decide the boundaries for yourself and actually enforce them. YOU are the one in the situation. YOU know all the little details that we don't.

Telling her that "it's not a good idea" isn't going to make her get the message if you're still spoiling her by picking up the phone anyway. Depending on your situation, you may want to limit the topics you two talk about or setting a time limit per day or week. Tell her to talk to other friends and/or family members about her problems.

bigbird213

Thanks,

Maybe I shouldn't have said "its not a good idea". I made it a bit stronger than that in person, and she agreed - so far so good.

This is easier than I thought it would be. The first time it nearly killed me, I guess I learned from the first time. Don't get me wrong, there are down moments, but im still functional.

bigbird213

Quick Update:

I got an email from her last night telling me how hard this is and how much she hates it. She also heard I had car trouble and was making sure everything was alright. Didn't respond yet, I really want to give her what she wants....space.

I guess these symptoms are the exact reason she wants to do this....she doesn't like this reliance.

bigbird213

I have a question for anyone who might be reading this:

This morning i can't help but be a little bit upset. I haven't really been upset for some reason, but this morning I am. My question is this:

I can't help but mull over the reason she gave me for the "break"...she doesn't like how reliant she is on me, and how that makes her treat me, and the stupid fights it causes. This all sounds good to me, but do you think it was a load of crap? Is it a waste of time to think about this??

Thanks for any answers, sometimes it just helps to get it all down so i can reread it.

Romefalls19

Yea big bird...It is a waste of time to think about because ultimately only your ex knows the real reason why she ended it....It's hard to say that the reason is a load of crap, but I won't sit here and tell you that I don't ponder over the question myself from time to time. All you can do is hope she has the respect for you that it was the truth and if your situation is like mine, the truth will become apparent in due time.

Don't make the mistake I did and think that your ex is too good of a person and she would never lie to you and she's not like that. Because they are, and you need to remember the person she was and the person she is are no longer the same.

bigbird213

Thanks Rome,
I know I shouldn't think about it, but as i sure you know, it is easier said than done.

Romefalls19

Yea, I sat and dwelled on the reasons she broke up with me(possessive and jealousy) and then went out and set goals to defeat those problems and I went to counseling, took jealousy courses online and read countless books. She showed no care about it in the world, took it as a big joke and would post things about it on her myspace or friends myspace mocking me. So when I found this out, NC set it and now it's her wanting to talk and be friends and I simply put, don't care.