Stuffed up!!!

Skell · #1 Oct 22, 2006, 08:45 PM

Ok hi all,

Most of you probably know me and my story. if not you can read my first thread.

i had a bit of a tough weekend and just felt like sharing / venting. i ran into my ex out and about on saturday night. i was with a few of my friends / acquaintences and she was with her sister and few other people.

it is only the 3rd or 4th time i have seen her since we broke up about 7 months ago.

anyway, one thing that really annoys me is that i am constantly reminded by people how i have lost the greatest most beautiful girl in the world. These arent my true friends saying these things but rather other people who i guess you would say are aquaintences. my real friends have been great.

and this isnt her fault either but she is just such a wonderful and kind hearted person that people cant help but love her and many are only to keen to share this with me.

and to tell you the truth it gets me down at times. well anyway, things were ok between us when we seen each other. we just gave each other a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and a really quick chat. her sister completely ignored me. i dont know why. but that hurt. ive done nothing wrong to her and it makes me sad that she doesnt seem to have any respect for me.

anyway, a little later someone came up to me again just to tell me how great shana looks and blah blah blah. i told him in no uncertain terms that i wasnt really interested.

but here is where i stuffed up. i found out that she is invited to my best mates sons birthday party in a week or two. this is fine because my best mates wife is one of my ex's really close friends and my ex often baby sits etc their son. she has as much right to be invited as me.

i must add that i had been drinking too and was slightly drunk. not over the top drunk as i keep a lid on things pretty well. i dont go overboard when i drink.

anyway, i simply wrote him a text telling him that if my ex goes then i dont want to be there and i wont be there because i dont feel completely comfortable. and i dont want it to be uncomfortable on his sons day. which in hindsight is rubbish because i would be completely comfortable with her being there and have in fact been completely fine around her the few times ive seen her.

it was just a real bad weekend. my dog is sick and in hospital, my mum and dad went away on holidays and i am left home alone and thats when i get lonely and a little down. i just felt so low yesterday and not much better today.

i used a few choice words about her which i really didnt mean. it was just frustration and anger built up from the night and the bad couple of days. i said a couple of things about her that i really dont feel. the words i used werent nice but it was just a little bit of drunk talk between mates. in actual fact it is the complete opposite to the feelings i have about her and us.

But here is the big stuff up. rather then send it to him i somehow pressed the wrong button and end up replying to a message she had sent me earlier in the night apologising for her sisters behaviour towards me. I dont have her nunmber in my speed dial as i deleted it long ago for this very reason. it was a complete accident but i sent the message to her instead of my mate.

OUCH, and now im really upset about it. i had been doing so well and had not ever said a bad word about her to anyone. because the truth is i dont hate her. im not mad at her. i have a lot of respect for her and will always love her in some way. i cant be mad at her for her being honest and following her heart.

problem is how do i now fix what i have done. i dont know what to do. some of the things i said werent nice. it didnt mean them i was just trying to make a point to my mate and it is how we talk. you know. guy talk.

i know we arent together and i should focus on myself but i just dont want her thinking that i meant the things i said. because i dont. as i said there were a few expletives and couple of words i wouldnt use to describe her at all.

i feel like so much dignity and respect that i have earned over the past few moths has been lost again from one moment of stupidity.

im ashamed and disgusted at myself.

Any suggestions???

AKaeTrue · Oct 22, 2006, 09:44 PM

Skell,
You need to tell her exactly what you just told all of us...
You should probably also add that you told those things to your friend as a cover up so he wouldn't know how bad you truly feel about the break up.
If she's as kind as you think she is, then she'll understand. You can also prove your sorriness to her by also telling your friend about the situation and your true feelings.
Hope it works out.
Let us know...
Kae

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 06:05 AM

just a question, she sent a mail appologizing about her sisters behaviour. Did you reply to that one?

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 07:07 AM

Skell - I don't know maybe she needed to hear that. You did have those feelings at the time.

I know it may sound weird - but this may actually work in your favor. Maybe she'll get the idea you've moved and and don't have her so high on a pedestal.

Women don't want the pedestal ever.

Did she respond at all?

It might be - the old - "well maybe he doesn't love me as much as I thought"

Women want to work for things - challenge.

ilovcali · Oct 23, 2006, 10:50 AM

Doesn't help, doesn't hurt. You guys are no longer a couple. You guys aren't even really friends. And it doesn't seem like things will change from that for a long time, if ever. She's gone from your life. What she thinks or says is should be of no concern. You made a mistake with the phone. It happens.

You don't have to fix anything I think. Plus, believe me, somewhere inside you, there is anger and what you said is probably something you do feel. You supress it. Whatever works for you is fine.

Nothing to fix, no harm done.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 01:29 PM

I think its like when I do things like this -- its too freudian not to be. LOL Since there is no relationship and there is some motivation for no contact too, I suggest that if there arises an opportunity to apologise, apologise, but don't be seeking or creating one.

Meanwhile, maybe the lesson is to look at a few things about yourself. Drinking a little too much might be one. Just as cali suggested, not saying your true feelings often enough so you build up that kind of back pressure might be another. Allow others to treat you in ways that you find hurtful and just taking it is another. Just some thoughts, Skell.

You made a mistake but some of mine have turned out to be marvelous ones. This one seems to have some of those earmarks to me. Learn the lesson is the easy part, figuring out what the lesson is sometimes takes delicate handling and thinking outside your usual framework. You are adept at both, Skell, I know that about you.

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 02:08 PM

"not saying your true feelings often enough so you build up that kind of back pressure might be another"

That's what I was trying to get at. True feelings. You don't always have to be that 'great guy' - the Fun Skell.

It's ok to get mad and say what you truly feel.

Skell · Oct 23, 2006, 04:20 PM

Thanks all, i knew you guys would help.
You all made so much sense too. I guess yesterday i was a little torn and down. It is amazing what a hard days work and a good night sleep can do.
I feel alot better today a thinking a little clearer..

I think you may have been right cat and cali. that anger may have been there just building up waiting to come out. I suppose it was just regretful in the way it was delivered.

I dare say there will be situations in the future where there will be an oppurtunity to apologise. Where i am from it is inevitable that we will see one another. Our paths will cross and i guess that contributed to my regret. The fact that i dont want it to be harder than it needs to be.

You see, whether i like it or not she is associated and friends with friends of mine. Now my friends (and i mean the real ones) have been extremely good at respecting us and the fact that we arent together anymore and there are certain things that just dont need to be said to us. She may be at this biorthday party, she may not. I just know for a fact that i will be going, i will be happy, it is my best mate and i cant wait to have great day at his sons birthday party who pretty soon will be my godson. If she is there i will not have a problem in the slightest. i dont have any reason to. Im happy and moving forward. Im sure she is too.

Just to answer a few questions.. Yes cat, she did respond, that is how i realised i had sent it to her by mistake. Her response was along the lines of "thats wasnt very nice and it was untrue and incorrect".

there is a lesson there for me. I chose to belive things that others said about her that were incorrect. My mistake for believing them. Not theirs for saying it.

And me and my best mate are fine. There was never ever going to be an issue. He understands everything and wasnt phased at all. He is a good mate to have.

Anyway, yesterday when i wasnt feeling the best i took a bit advice from a friend. I just sat down and started to write. I just started writing about a lot of feelings i have about me, her, us (not that there is an us i know), where i am going etc. It was good because i havent spoken to anyone about some of these things for a while.

The letter was aimed at her. It apologised for my actions, explained my actions, expressed my anger at some issues i have at her and others, expressed some anger i have at myself. It was good. I vented.

I didnt send it though. i never had any intention of it. But it certainly helped get some things of my chest.

Thanks all for your help. Please feel free to add some more if you dont think i have quite gotten what you have suggested.



At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you will be able to: Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+ topics. Accept money for answers that you provide. Communicate privately with other members (PM). See fewer ads. Sign Up!