Hi all. Many of you know my story pretty well by now. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. She lived with me, we had spoken of marriage and kids, house, the total package. Aside from when we ran into each other, there has been no contact from either party.

If you recall, many of her actions led me to explode one day on her. She was always very flirtatious, wore very provocative clothing, never introduced me to her friends, basically kept me hidden. Many times, she would go to this one bar, wearing provocative clothing, with her best friend, just so guys could hit on them. And she would never let me go with her on those occasions, and she never liked going to "her bar" when she was with me. We actually went everywhere but there. This is while she was dating me. I did everything I could for her, I cooked dinners, I took her out, I helped her with schoolwork, I introduced her to all my friends. I think I did all a man can do for a woman.

She finally broke up with me, blaming me. She said she couldn't believe I could have been so harsh that day I yelled at her. I admit, I was harsh that day. But that was months after me telling her that certain things I did not like. She would flirt with guys, and never mention she had a boyfriend. She would never talk about me with any friends at all. Like I was not even part of her life. It felt like she took me for granted. It did hurt so much.

After the break-up, she has starting seeing a therapist. What hurts the most, was she used my one day of yelling as the reason to break-up. I felt great guilt about yelling at her. But I am stunned that she has no remorse or guilt about anything she did. She just pawned it off as she never did anything wrong. And she is doing the same things she did, while she was with me. Going to the same bar, just hitting on guy after guy.

She walked through me like I meant nothing. Without a second thought for a man who did so much for her. Did I really mistreat her so much? I mean, what in the world did I do? Was she normal, and am I the one who was crazy?

She felt no loss whatsoever. I have so much grief, because despite her flaws, we did have a connection I've never had in my life. I'm almost 30, so is she. I miss that connection. I wish I could only look at the bad things, but the good things were so good. Better than anything else.

I guess I hoped she would change for me, because I would have attempted to change if she asked me to. But she never had any complaints about me. She had no heart or conscience for me at all.

Why am I the one who feels loss and pain? I don't know for sure, but I don't think she is at all. She is doing the same things she used to, without missing a step. I really meant nothing. I think that also hurts so much.

I am working on myself. But I'm so stunned people can be like this. Especially someone you thought really cared. You find out they didn't give a rats ***. I sometimes wish I could be like that. I just feel at a loss, with lot of my faith in life tarnished. She did much more wrong that I, and walked away, unscathed, undeterred. I am left with a wound that will take very long to heal from. I just don't get it.

s_cianci

First of all, don't feel so guilty about yelling at her. She had it coming and I'm sure she's yelled at you many times before you finally blew up at her. And don't worry ; no thinking person, including her therapist, is going to buy the story that she ended a longstanding relationship over that one single incident. Much of her behavior was inappropriate and unfair to you. Unfortunately it seems as if the two of you had different levels of involvement in the relationship, with you giving much more than her. Evidently the two of you had different ideas and beliefs concerning the standards to adhere to in a relationship. The two of you probably weren't compatible from the start. I can't say why she stayed with you as long as she did. Maybe you were a security blanket for her. Unfortunately it sounds like she wanted her cake and eat it too. It sounds like there were lots of red flags from the start that you should have been wise to. Remember, if something doesn't seem or feel right, it isn't. Her wearing provocative clothing, going out to bars with her girlfriends without you, not introducing you to any of her friends or acknowledging you as her boyfriend ; all of these signaled trouble. Giving her the benefit of the doubt was not a good move and never is. These should have been indicators for you to run like the wind!

talaniman

Cali, that you are having these feelings shows you are human. A human that cares and you got hooked up with a low down dirty-well you get the picture. I'm sure after your emotions, which are running high now, come down a bit you'll be able to see the reasons to find yourself lucky that you no longer have the bee-yatch around to bring you down. You may have been in love but her behavior was driving you nuts, so a break-up as painfull as it is, was exactly what you needed. You may not have been able to do it yourself but, and tell the truth, it worked in your favor and now you just have to continue with the healing process. Venting is better than being trampled on by some immature drama queen, and I know you feel better for it.

chuff

Cali, As I've really started to look inward at myself, like you are doing I have been asking a lot of questions of myself. Why do I feel this way? Why do I behave this way? Why are those around me not living by the same standards I am? One of the things that I really started to say to myself after looking back was, “How could I have been so stupid in that situation or in that circumstance?” What’s worse is that over the course of my life I’ve made the same mistakes with different women and never even realized it until recently. And that is what makes me most upset. It’s not getting used by the woman or the break up but it’s knowing that in the end, I essentially caused my own hurt and pain. The signs were always there but emotional people like you and I always make excuses for it. It’s not that you and I are stupid, but we think on an emotional level that these types of woman do not. Your asking yourself “why wasn’t I good enough when I did all these things for her but I bet if you follow that line of thinking and keep going your really asking yourself, “Why did I CONTINUE to do all these nice things for her when she obviously did not care.” For me the answer is that if I showed them I was different or I cared more than anybody else they would appreciate me more. God just writing it makes me cringe because I know that it came off looking just the opposite. Your answer might the same or it might be different but I urge you to explore what it is. One thing I’ve learned from reading these posts is that when she pulls away you pull away. Emotional people dive in when the other one pulls away like she was doing. Then when they pull farther away we dive in further. It a vicious circle and it’s a dangerous circle. The further we go in when they pull away the more emotional damage they can create in the end.

By the way I am also a couple months away from being 30 so don’t feel to bad. I’m a late bloomer as well, and to be honest I’m glad I’m not alone. We’ll get this right one day.

ilovcali

Thanks for the responses guys. I know you're right. I knew you were right even when I was dating her. That is why I saw the red flags and pointed them out during the relationship. If she had listened to what I had said, or understood where I was coming from, it could have been different. She never compromised, never. She always played an air on innocence and said she didn't realize she was doing anything wrong. I could never understand how she didn't realize her actions were not right.

S_ciani, do you really think this was a personality difference? How could we have dated for so long and been connected (she did have a connection to me as well) if our personalities were so out of tune? I have has serious relatonships before, but never was I ready or willing to marry the girl until my ex. Do you really thnk her behavior would work in a committed relationship with someone else? Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

Honestly, there were multiple times I was about to break-up with her throughout the relationship because of the red flags. Everytime, she would start crying and tell me how much she loved me and cared for me. I couldn't go through with it. I fell into her trap.

In the end, she didn't think I was good enough for her I guess. Which does hurt. But I am working on the healing process. Each day is not better than the last, but I am trudging through, and will make it at some point.

CaliforniaOrange

Sounds like codependancy, enabling, and low self-esteem (on her part). Sounds to me like she knew what she was doing from the start, kinda like a plan almost...I'm willing to bet that the way she treated you was probably how she was treated before and her way of revenge was by taking her pain out on her next man...either way, red flags are red flags so you should probably take responsibility for sticking around far too long after noticing her inappropriate behavior. There are plenty of women out there who would more than be thankful for a guy like you...

chuff

talaniman agrees: You have come a log way in seeing your self and I think your getting it. Well said

Thanks Tal, I realize I'm in no way close to being there but I'm starting to at least understand myself and my mistakes more. The real test will be when someone becomes interested in me again and how will I react. Hopefully I will not fall into the same old trap. 30 years with this kind of personality is a lot to overcome in a short time. I appreiciate your kind words and I hope that I've been able to help you and others as I start to learn about relationships myself. I hope that people like Cali and myself also understand that there not alone.

phillysteakandcheese

I do agree with the above, but let me present one possible opposite point of view... just to help maintain persepctive:

Your ex was the "hot party girl" that liked being with her friends, going to "her bar", and getting attention from lots of guys. She was provocative in manner and dress, but never cheated and always came home to be with you. These were things that attracted you to her, and you accepted them.

Now, the things that attracted you to her in the first place have turned. They made you feel insecure about being with her. Partying at "her bar" invited too much competition, and you worried if you were enough for her.

She remained the "hot party girl" she was before, but you were no longer willing to accept that. It wasn't worth the connection you shared. Your lack of confidence in yourself made her loose faith in your comittment to her.

I'm not trying to fault you in any way - Just show you the other side of the coin. This girl is who she is, and does what she likes to do, and you could not accept that.

Your break up - at least in that context - was inevitable.
You two were not right for each other.

CaliforniaOrange

"And she would never let me go with her on those occasions, and she never liked going to "her bar" when she was with me."

Skell

Cali,
I know your struggling. You have lots of questions that you want answered. But believe me when you finally get the answers (IF you get them) they wont be the one's you are looking for. So just try and leave it all in the past. Look ahead. Not back.
You need to stop feeling so guilty about yelling at her. That happens. Not to the point of abuse but people do actually get a little angry and yell. So what!

Just give it time. Keep trudging along.
You will have days where you feel like you did when you posted this. So when you feel like that post here again if it makes you feel better.
But just give it time. Thats all i can really offer. In time you will feel better to the point where you realise that you are so much better off without this person.
We have spoken about this before. YOU deserve much better then alot of the treatment she dished out to you!
You are a good person. I dont think she is at all!