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I have a very good trusting relationship with my boyfriend and we have a flat together. I am a nurse and work shift work. His mate has recently split up from a long term relationship and I think is wanting to go to a strip club with him this weekend while Im at work. I am really horrified by this and feel like its almost like he is planning to cheat on me, the thought of him sitting there getting excited by another woman and getting off on it makes me feel awful. I really dont know if im over reacting but I have tried to talk to him about it and all he says is that I dnt know where we are going and if thats the case I cant just go ok lads I will wait outside.. he doesnt see my point of view at all on it and I am scared if he does go the implications on our relationship it will have after and how I feel about this, its made me feel extremely insecure and I dont know what to do.. Help please!
Listen, girls have their own lives and so do guys. It all boils down to trust. What if he doesn't go to a strip club, but he's stripping a girl somewhere else, how would you know? TRUST....that is all you can do. He doesn't have to go to strip club to break that trust, ok.....so relax...and let him go where he wants to go....everyone wants freedom once in a while....I've been to a man's strip club but did nothing....so? Does that mean I am not trustworthy enough to let loose....c'mon...don't fret of what's gonna happen...live NOW...that's more important...give him love and trust....rest leave certain things on their own. By fretting over it you're not gonna gain anything....u get my point!!
Lemme start by expressing my opinion on Alkaline's post. (See the "O" word there, you don't have to agree with me but it is how I feel).
Strips clubs are more degrating for the men who attend then the women who are dancing. I've dated a number of dancers in my lifetime, and work was always just work. It's the guys who think that the women are interested in anything beside his wallet that are being degrade, and as they choose to do so...good for them. (P.S. - Same goes for porn)
With that out of the way:
Try to look a little from his point of view. Do you think is going because he feels the need to see another girl naked, or do you think he is just there to be supportive of his friend? Maybe a little bit of both? How much does the nudity bother you? Does it bother you for him to watch a Bond film? I'm not saying you are wrong, just really consider the problem before approaching it. If it is something that you can't deal with, make that perfectly clear. Tell him why it is such a problem. If he is a good man, and you've said that he is, he will understand and cancel the evening. Right now, I think (and it's just what I think) that he is fighting back because he doesn't really care about the strip club part of it, he just wants to be there for his friend.
Location: Now hailing from St. Petersburg, Florida US of A, North America, planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.
Posts: 2,150
Quote:
Originally Posted by alkaline
I tell every guy I date on the first date that if they EVER go to one, under ANY circumstance, it is over. It is something I feel that strongly about.
Am I to understand that you tell every guy on the first date, "If you got to a strip club it's over?" Presumably the first date takes place before your even going out with someone so that seems like a pretty big demand to be making at such an early stage of the game.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alkaline
Oh, and I think it is cheating, too. You aren't alone on that.
Oh my. Going to a strip club is the equivalant of having sex with another woman? Please.
Strip clubs are a fantasy land that allow men to escape for few hours. I'm not against people not liking them, and to be honest I can see the arguments some people make against them, but a friend taking his friend who just got dumped to a strip club to forget about his ex is not in any way cheating or even remotely close to it.
You and the OP are making way more out of a few hours then either guy will remember in a weeks time.
When I started going out with my GF I took her to a friends parents house. A couple of guys wanted to go to the strippers.
I looked at her and said is this OK.
She didn't look but happy but said alright. We left her there and went out for a few hours.
On the drive home the conversation started with If I am EVER in that situation again don't embarrass her by asking permision to go out, just go. She didn't want people to think she was controlling my life.
Long story short I married her post haste, Never regretted it for a second and just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
If you have a trusting relationship you will never have to worry.
Fear, insecurity, and no trust, will wreck a relationship. Throw in trying to control another is a dealbreaker in my book. There are so many important things in life making a big deal over something so small can be cause more damage than its worth. Bags relax, and plan your own activities with your g/f's, and have fun. As Chuff has pointed out his night at a strip club is not going to be in his mind forever, and most of us males wake up the next day and have already forgotten it. So why worry if he is yours and you trust him? You do trust him don't you??
I had a girlfriend once who thought that if I looked at another girl, it was cheating. Needless to say, I don't have that girlfriend anymore.
Girls! Get a grip! Cheating is cheating. Nothing else is cheating other than cheating. If you don't know what cheating is, I feel very sorry for your man. Lets call him your EX-man, because if you keep acting that way, that's what he'll be.
I'm a dude. Plain and simple, if a girl didn't want me going, I wouldn't go. That's part of a relationship.
Giving.
Yeah...no doubt, trust is important and insecurity is bad. But it's also important to make someone else comfortable. I have NEVER dated a girl who wanted me going to strip clubs. And I've never minded not going if she had a problem with it. There are about ten thousand other things to do.
Any demands based on fear, insecurity, or trust issues are unreasonable, and to feed those feelings will not make someone comfortable but more demanding. Much better to work on the real root issues.
He's a guy.
Guy's do "guys things..."
Women talk and talk and talk after we break up or are in problems...
Men tend to "do things" ... that's how they bond.
Can they not do something else than going to a strip club ?
Of course they can, but this came up....
No matter whether they are in a good relationship or not, they will look at other women
And there is nothing wrong with looking.
I know that my husband will look at a beautiful woman... and why not ?
I look at goodlooking chaps.
But at the end of the day .... we are married, we love each other and really.. if I would freak out because he works with goodlooking fun women or would look at somebody else I would drive myself nuts...
It's about trust.
If your relationship is that good and there is trust.. then you should not have to worry.
Don't get insecure because they will see some naked women.
Don't make an issue out of something that is not an issue yet.
Your reaction turns it into an issue and questions the level of trust in your relationship.
Location: Now hailing from St. Petersburg, Florida US of A, North America, planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.
Posts: 2,150
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Any demands based on fear, insecurity, or trust issues are unreasonable, and to feed those feelings will not make someone comfortable but more demanding. Much better to work on the real root issues.
Exactly.
What's ironic about this line of thought is that if a guy goes out to night club the chances are so much greater he's going to be hit on then if he were going to a strip club where the girl just want his money.
In my early 20's I was a bartender. We had strippers frequent our night club and they were very nice and outgoing when they were at my place of business. However when I would go to the strip clubs, at the their invitation mind you, they would say hello but move one because I'm not there to pay them and that's what they are doing, looking for a pay day.
As I stated I can understand some of the arguments against strip clubs and some are valid, but this issue isn't really about strip clubs, it's about trust or the lack there of in this relationship. If you can't trust your man to go to a strip club where women one see him for his wallet then you can't really trust him. As I said, he'd have a better chance of getting hit on at a regular club then at a strip club but in the end it wouldn't matter since there is no trust in him to make the right decision by way of the relationship or the woman in his life.
Here's some facts about men that may surprise you. Some of us can be loyal. Some of us don't automatically cheat if we get hit on. ALL men can look at a nude woman and not get sexually interested in them. These are facts based on reality not the fears based on insecurity.
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