At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
Hi everyone,i'm writing this for myself and for anyone who feels they have the time to read it. For the last few days i've been looking at posts and reading about people's relationships and problems and i must say i'm very surprised but in a way comfortable. I'm not sure why i didnt expect alot of similar situations, but to be very honest, mine is nothing compared to those i've read about. This whole thing is almost pointless, i know what steps to take but its alot easier for me to spend time trying to give good advice then to spend time taking my own advice. Therefore, any and all words are appreciated and noted.
I havent dated many girls in my life, alot of the time i was just shy, but honestly...i knew what i wanted in a girl and didnt want to date just to have fun because something seemed so wrong and pointless about that. I finally met a girl during a period of insecurity and loneliness in my life.This was my first relationship. She was everything i could've wanted and more, more than i would've ever expected. However, due to my lack of experience and overall facsination with this new relationship and girl, we moved way too fast. I was very cautious toward the beginning because i cared about her and i wanted to take the right respectful steps. However, on the first date she kissed me in a way that was very provocative. One thing led to another and we were mildly fooling around. However we both confessed to be in love with eachother. We continued to go out and were very serious about eachother but very immature. We had both found somebody we never thought could've existed and we were overtaken with eachother. We talked all the time, and saw eachother about 3 times a week. We never spent a day without making some sort of contact with eachother. She was by nature an extremely sweet individual, the type that writes you notes with little pictures to make you feel better. However she was also slightly needy and didnt really seem to blatantly express her opinions or views on anything. She'd rarely just begin a conversation about somethign she'd thougth about just for the hell of it. However, she did agree with me about alot of things although we had our differences.
For some reason unknown to me, i began to feel like she'd always be there and no matter what i did she'd stil want to be with me. I am not sure if this made me respect her less but i am sure that it caused me to become selfish. I thought i was happy but i dont believe i was. I believed i loved her, but at the same time, i wanted so much more out of her even though she was the most considerate person id ever met. I did alot of things to make her happy, but they were mostly on special occasions. I don't think i gave her want she needed on a day to day basis. The little things, like what movie to watch, or going to feed the ducks. Things that i used to think were so sweet began to frighten me and seemed immature and thus i allowed them less. At first i lived for her, but i soon began to want more and did things to try to make myself happy like play video games and sometimes they carried in to our relationship. I got her involved in one of them and it led to a very serious situation in which she had given a little too much information to a guy. At the time i had been talking to a childhood friend of mine who was a girl, and my gf claimed that the only reason she let the information slip is that she was worried about me being interested in other girls and she felt she needed a guy to talk to. However, this information didnt fall under the category of personal help it was more personal in general. As a result i lost alot of trust in her and broke it off. She cried harder than i had ever thought possible and called incessantly saying she was sorry and that she loved me, bleeding every detail of the situation at my request. I agreed to get back with her but still didn't fully trust her.
Now i realize that even though i knew she didnt, i felt like she owed me something and i put myself on a higher pedestal than her. Every now and then i would lie to her about something just to see her reaction, normally it had to do with another guy or something. I tested her becausei didnt trust her to trust herself. I was sick and absolutely diluted to the point that i couldn't think rationally anymore. We had alot of good times as the future progressed but i became bitter and confused about what i wanted in life. I often felt like i was the only one who considered the future and that she was just living in the moment, professing false love and sucking me into believing her and putting my heart on the line. I didnt want to allow myself to make a fatal mistake so i broke it off a few times in attempts to understand myself and my feelings, but i never stayed consistant. I wanted to feel what it would be like to end it, but i didnt really want it to fully end. I exposed her to alot she had never seen before and normally would've never considered. Such as explicit movies or terms. She was innocent, but before we had gotten together she had been dating the wrong guys simply because she wanted someone to love, she just didnt understand. Not that i was the right guy, but i wanted a relationship, not a whore.
She became equally argumentative after alot of time, and we had little fights off and on, i had allowed alot of pride to build up and sometimes found it hard to realize i was wrong about something. During all of this, we had alot of good days, but i began to wonder if i was being too sexual with her. Meanwhile her twin sister is dating guy after guy, doing sexual stuff with all of them and getting hurt over and over. Her dad had cheated on her mom they get a divorce and the mom runs off with some other guy( total loser) after the dad attempts to work it out. Now her dad, having not been involved in her daily life is running a house previously run by her mom and is changing alot of things. Her feelings are constantly unclear, she says things from time to time but never really has any burst of emotion, other than the constant crying that preceeded the beginning of our relationship (she'd cry over the sillyest of things). After about a year and 7 months of being together, she began to change, she wasnt as sweet, and most of the crying had turned into anger. I broke up with her again because i thought she had become too involved in myspace and rapidly been changing. I guess i just wanted to see the old gf i knew, and the only way was to see her reaction again. Although i felt more prepared to end it this time or at least go on a break. Now i might add that i have a very stable family life and i am very lucky. Anyway, this time i had ended it in a way that was nice and not vindictive sounding. So she accepted it, and i felt good about her reaction. I realized later that it wasnt waht i wanted and i tried to get her back underr the condition that she'd get rid of her myspace (early on in the relationship she had agreed to delete her myspace if i deleted mine, but mine was used for connections to old friends in japan, but i was still in the wrong).
Due to my sadness and the potential realization that she was prepared to end the relationship, i quickly deleted my myspace and attempted to get her to do the same. Eventually she agreed she would after a very dramatic night in which i saw the old gf i knew, she cried and begged me to not care about things like that. However, a few days later she hadnt deleted her myspace and said she felt we should go on a break. This break hadn't really happened because she wanted to talk to me still. She later finally started to call me less and i began to feel the pain of misssing her. So i attempted to repair the relationship again and found that she wanted to end it for a while and possibly permanently. I have grown more and more convinced that she was very serious about this decision, we were a year apart ( me beign older) and i feel she gained some maturity. We still talked , kissed, and even participated in a couple of benefits. Now we've agreed to stop most of it, although we still talk. We have the same job, so i can't avoid seeing her, and have given up attempting to prevent communication considering even when the job ends for this summer, i will see her everyday in school. I spent alot of time thinking about everythign, and came to the conclusion that there was and probably still is something wrong with me. I cried many nights thinking about what i put her through and what kind of person i had allowed myself to turn into, but i think i've permanently scared her away, not to mention all the stress shes going through, she probably feels she doesn't need a boyfriend. HOwever she said she wants to date other people, even though i doubt she will or would want me to. its been a few weeks and i have never suffered so much. I wouldnt have it any other way, i deserve to suffer and its the only way i would've changed alot about myself. I want a second chance on this relationship for its sake, to say that we both changed and tried to work it out as changed people, so even if it does end it can end on a better note. Please forgive me for the length, but i thank you tremendously if you actually put the time in to read this incoherent blob of thought and regret. If i made any inconsistancies or failed to provide any information, let me know. Any opinions are most appreciated!
Location: Now hailing from St. Petersburg, Florida US of A, North America, planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.
Posts: 2,150
You need to not date anybody and find out first what it is you want in a woman. Second you need to quit beating yourself up. Just stop. It's depressing and the truth is it's never going to help you get her back.
The problem with trying to go back with someone youve already been with is you always bring the baggage with you even if you both agree not to. It will always pop up and both of you will always be thinking about it even if you don't say anything about it.
Give yourself permission to grow as a person and learn from this experience.
I think you know yourself, and what the deal is very well. You know this is going to hurt for a while, but don't just sit and worry about it. The time will go faster if your enjoying it. Of course you've figured that out or am I giving you too much credit. No one knows what the future holds but for now work on you and get a better perspective in 6 months or a year. Time will clear the head.
The advice has been very helpful, i thought id also add that she is very insistant that even if i date someone or she dates someone that we talk still. I'm not sure if thats the right course of action, she calls me multiple times daily, not to mention she still hugs me at work and kisses me goodbye. I'm not sure if shes even coping with her actions, or if all i put her through was making her cope through our relationship and this is easier for her. Are there any particular steps i should take in my current situation?
Red flags going up-She's trying to keep your friendship but stay close to you, and keep you close to her. I don't like it when it seems like someone is stringing you along for whatever reason. I could be wrong but I advise you to keep a distance, and keep your eyes open. Don't be so available to her. It might be just me but..............................?
No i understand completely, dont think she wants to give me up as a person. I am prepared to be her friend, but i dont think something like that is appropriate at this point in time,especially considering i am continuing to attempt to diminish the feelings i have for her, and identify why i have them.
lol, i knew i was gonna hear the backup line eventually. Its something i've thought about. I think to a certain degree everyone becomes a backup plan after a relationship. Many consider getting back with that person later on when the two have changed, or at least becoming friends. I have pretty much stated that if we start dating other people, i wouldn't want to talk anymore, for the future of my relationships and my current stability. Should i tell her i dont want to talk anymore now? I myself dont contact her, i am not easily manipulated, but i have expressed interest in this relationship working out. Shes not thinking about the relationship hardly at all, let alone other relationships. She seems to just want to sort things out in her own life, and perhaps she wants me there as friendly support, without the difficulties of managing a relationship. Even in our relationship, we were best friends. I'm not sure what to do.
Linear Mode
