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Just a little update. I went to see my counselor toady. Just got back. I also talked to my ex today. The ex does not trust me. She is having nightmares about us having a house and a family and me cheating on her in the garage. She has very little reason not to trust me so i know this is her and not me.

I was talking to my counselor about how i didn't feel a connection between us. He told me he thinks im closer to her than i think and maybe this is all scaring her. Maybe she is self destructing the relationship. She doesn't trust, not just me, but just trust period.

This gave me so much relief, i have been blaming myself all this time. I do trust this, because i know therapist dont like to speculate on the other person. They have meet one time.

We also talked about some of the manipulation that went on on her side, like constant giving of attention and constant needing of attention. And the saying of things that she didn't say, arguing the color of black and white. (this seems silly but is very serious after years of it)

She is really having a hard time, missing work, throwing up and is having these bad dreams. She also has alot of guilt. She thinks she is the bad guy. She has always felt very obligated to everyone.

All of my stupid anxiety is easing and im finding out i do love her alot more than i thought. At first i thought it might be me that couldnt get close. So im now going to be able to love her without so many strings. I think she does love and like being with me but her trust is in the way. Maybe me being there for her without all the (do you wanna get back together)questions will ease some of her pain and give her some trust.

I know this is what you guys have all been saying but i had to go through the detox first. But ultimately its her that has to trust me as i have not betrayed it. She has to trust me if this is going to work, and if she plain old doesnt want to be with me, somebody else will.

At the end of our conversation i told her that i was and always been there for her and that she could trust me. I then asked her if she wanted to talk later she said no, lets end this on a good note today. I said ok. After i got out of therapy i send her a text telling her to have a good day and that i am here for her if she needs me. Her dad is in surgery right now. It was really nice texting her without the want of a response.

I hope she can learn to trust me. We both are good faithful poeple who both have strong family values but both of our past have been in the way.

Shes feels she is the bad guy. She doesn't trust me and is having bad dreams. She isn't doing well with this. Any clue what is up with her. She does have a pretty bad family life.

bluerose

Bad dreams? It sounds like she should talk to someone about what is going on with her. Doesn't sound like anything you could help with.

stilllearning

Yeah she has had them for a while, the same one. But of course now its harder on her. She has an aunt who has some therapist training that talks to her every night. Ive suggested therapy and she sees how its helped me, she is still to scared to.

She also told me today that when she called and i missed the call she almost left me a nasty message about partying/sex....ugh that is so not me. hasn't been for 10 years, even then it was about the hanging with the guys.

bluerose

"Next question, are all these control tactics?"

I don't think so. It sounds like she has some serious issues of her own. And I don't think getting therapy from her aunt is a good idea. It takes someone impartial to deal with this kind of thing. Perhaps she has some kind of personality disorder. But only a trained therapist can diagnose her properly.

JohnSnownw

Family members are there to listen, and it's good to have someone that you know and feel comfortable confiding in. However, when it comes to proper counseling, as bluerose said, the person should be professional and impartial.

stilllearning

Most people here know my story, im 3 weeks into my 12 year breakup. I told her a couple weeks ago that we needed to to go NC for a while, well she wont let that happen. She always finds some BS reason to call or text me. It really does start the whole thing over again.

What in the crap is she doing? When she does call i just sit and listen ,she always starts bringing up the relationship not me. Then if i ask if i should be holding on to any hope, its i dont know yet. Im getting mad, i dont need this, i have enough problems of my own. I just wish i was brave enough to go to another country and smash my phone.

GlindaofOz

Doll, why are you taking her phone calls?

You already told her you want to go no contact. You need to stick to you guns and do what makes YOU happy not what makes her happy. When I went NC when my ex I put the theme from Halloween as his ringer so I would know to not pick up. Its hard but stop answering the phone! If I must I will beat you with your phone until you stop answering her calls!!!!

J_9

Simple fix.....Change your numbers. You seem to be the healthy one here in knowing how to move on.

Change your numbers to non-published numbers and make sure she doesn't get them.

stilllearning

I am the more healthy one but im having a very hard time with this, panic attacks, depression, her on the other hand is walled up and on the offensive. Shes is in for a shock when she learns im over her, whenever that time comes.

Yes im seeing a counselor and and on some medication that im waiting to start working. But in the meantime this is hard!

She is still undecided about the relationship!!! If she wants to get back together then she needs to prove it to me. Im tired of asking.

GlindaofOz

But why are you answering her calls? You already told her no contact. Its not HER problem that SHE doesn't get it. please stop picking up!!!