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Just a little update. I went to see my counselor toady. Just got back. I also talked to my ex today. The ex does not trust me. She is having nightmares about us having a house and a family and me cheating on her in the garage. She has very little reason not to trust me so I know this is her and not me.

I was talking to my counselor about how I didn't feel a connection between us. He told me he thinks I'm closer to her than I think and maybe this is all scaring her. Maybe she is self destructing the relationship. She doesn't trust, not just me, but just trust period.

This gave me so much relief, I have been blaming myself all this time. I do trust this, because I know therapist don't like to speculate on the other person. They have meet one time.

We also talked about some of the manipulation that went on on her side, like constant giving of attention and constant needing of attention. And the saying of things that she didn't say, arguing the color of black and white. (this seems silly but is very serious after years of it)

She is really having a hard time, missing work, throwing up and is having these bad dreams. She also has a lot of guilt. She thinks she is the bad guy. She has always felt very obligated to everyone.

All of my stupid anxiety is easing and I'm finding out I do love her a lot more than I thought. At first I thought it might be me that couldn't get close. So I'm now going to be able to love her without so many strings. I think she does love and like being with me but her trust is in the way. Maybe me being there for her without all the (do you want to get back together)questions will ease some of her pain and give her some trust.

I know this is what you guys have all been saying but I had to go through the detox first. But ultimately its her that has to trust me as I have not betrayed it. She has to trust me if this is going to work, and if she plain old doesn't want to be with me, somebody else will.

At the end of our conversation I told her that I was and always been there for her and that she could trust me. I then asked her if she wanted to talk later she said no, lets end this on a good note today. I said OK. After I got out of therapy I send her a text telling her to have a good day and that I am here for her if she needs me. Her dad is in surgery right now. It was really nice texting her without the want of a response.

I hope she can learn to trust me. We both are good faithful people who both have strong family values but both of our past have been in the way.

She's feels she is the bad guy. She doesn't trust me and is having bad dreams. She isn't doing well with this. Any clue what is up with her. She does have a pretty bad family life.

Bad dreams? It sounds like she should talk to someone about what is going on with her. Doesn't sound like anything you could help with.

Yeah she has had them for a while, the same one. But of course now its harder on her. She has an aunt who has some therapist training that talks to her every night. Ive suggested therapy and she sees how its helped me, she is still to scared to.

She also told me today that when she called and I missed the call she almost left me a nasty message about partying/sex... ugh that is so not me. Hasn't been for 10 years, even then it was about the hanging with the guys.

"Next question, are all these control tactics?"

I don't think so. It sounds like she has some serious issues of her own. And I don't think getting therapy from her aunt is a good idea. It takes someone impartial to deal with this kind of thing. Perhaps she has some kind of personality disorder. But only a trained therapist can diagnose her properly.

Family members are there to listen, and it's good to have someone that you know and feel comfortable confiding in. However, when it comes to proper counseling, as bluerose said, the person should be professional and impartial.

Most people here know my story, I'm 3 weeks into my 12 year breakup. I told her a couple weeks ago that we needed to to go NC for a while, well she won't let that happen. She always finds some BS reason to call or text me. It really does start the whole thing over again.

What in the crap is she doing? When she does call I just sit and listen ,she always starts bringing up the relationship not me. Then if I ask if I should be holding on to any hope, its I don't know yet. Im getting mad, I don't need this, I have enough problems of my own. I just wish I was brave enough to go to another country and smash my phone.

Doll, why are you taking her phone calls?

You already told her you want to go no contact. You need to stick to you guns and do what makes YOU happy not what makes her happy. When I went NC when my ex I put the theme from Halloween as his ringer so I would know to not pick up. Its hard but stop answering the phone! If I must I will beat you with your phone until you stop answering her calls!!

Simple fix... Change your numbers. You seem to be the healthy one here in knowing how to move on.

Change your numbers to non-published numbers and make sure she doesn't get them.

I am the more healthy one but I'm having a very hard time with this, panic attacks, depression, her on the other hand is walled up and on the offensive. She's is in for a shock when she learns I'm over her, whenever that time comes.

Yes I'm seeing a counselor and on some medication that I'm waiting to start working. But in the meantime this is hard!

She is still undecided about the relationship!! If she wants to get back together then she needs to prove it to me. Im tired of asking.

But why are you answering her calls? You already told her no contact. Its not HER problem that SHE doesn't get it. Please stop picking up!!

To aid in the panic attacks it would be beneficial to change your numbers. You won't freak out every time the phone rings if you know she doesn't have your number.

There are always easy fixes, just sometimes it takes people outside to see them and help you.

Red Flag-Still -contacting ex, and trying to figure her out, before healing. Your asking for confusion and trouble.

Still what you are describing are all HER problems. YOU CANNOT HELP HER.

You need to work on your stuff and let her work on her stuff alone.

Im trying guys. Im getting better. Ive about had enough of her snotty attitude. She still has control and these games are stupid.

Why do I want to be with someone who I have to play these games with to get back. God I just want a nice girl without all the drama. Im 30 years old and done with the games. Wait I never liked them in the first place.

I wish I could figure out why I am so worried about her but really not giving a crap about myself. Sometimes I was short with her or would get on a soapbox. This happens in lots of relationships right? Is it really something to leave someone over? Other than the fight that lead to the breakup it had been years since we had gotten into a big one.

But I just felt so agitated around her, she would just have to say something aobut everything and constantly be on my back. It was always, we need to do this, or we got to do that. So I would end up telling her, its not a big deal just don't worry about it, why are you making yourself miserable? I can think of one time when she said something and then as always 5 minutes said she didn't say it, I almost started crying, she is so distant at times.

Why am I so mad at her? I want to tell her to leave me the hell alone so I can go on with my life, then 5 minutes later I'm worried about her abuse and what I can do.

I wish someone could tell me that she has manipulated me into all of this and she is playing with my emotions even now. I feel so guilty.

Im having a rough time right now, just want to type it out, sometimes it helps.

Im really starting to get the feeling that she doesn't even want try to make things work. Last time we talked she was bringing up really petty stuff without me even asking. Its starting to make me really anxious. I can't get angry at her because I'm so worried about her problems.

Nothing but guilt and worry. This is really getting hard and right now I'm not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. This whole breakup seems so pointless, why can't we get into therapy and work things out instead of throwing away 12 years, its not like we had some abusive violent relationship! We did so good with the cards we were given to work with, most people in out shoes would have 4 kids, drinking, hitting, cheating. This doesn't make sense.

Yes but Learning it was unhappy. Remember that. You cannot carry the guilt of 12 years upon your back. If she does not want to make it work then you cannot force her nor can you do her share of the work.

Doing a little bit better atm. Have not contacted her since wendsday. That was to ask her if she was she was busy Saturday. She said (yeah) than says we will talk later then demands a response. Ok fine.I was at my counselor today and he was asking me how long I was will to put myself on the back burner.

I think I'm going to give it a few more weeks of asking for a day for us once a week. If nothing comes of that what can I do, if she continues to have her wall up then there is no sense in even talking. I do not want to be with her if she is going to drag this thing out forever and not communicate.

Another update: Doing very good today. Its such a relief to not worry about her non stop. I know she's fine.

Stuff is becoming very clear to me. We have a lot to work out. I still want to try, she is a great girl and I think if we can get our own issues worked out we will be great together. But for now I'm going to lay back take it easy and just wait. Im in no rush now for her to come back right now, its still a bit early. And I'm finally thinking about what I want.

Talked to the EX today, We have to both go to the bank tomorrow to sign papers from some stuff awhile back.

She told me she was mad at herself for not leaving me sooner and putting up with all the stuff.? Like she was this perfectly rounded person that was just waiting for me to get my stuff together because she loved me so much, yeah, what a crock.

I told her yet again, my feelings and how I wanted a future with her. She is still getting an apartment and wants to just get away from everything, her mom, her dad, her uncle, me.

I have no doubt she has problems and needs to sort them out. She says she has no interest in dating she just wants to be alone. I don't know if she means this or she just doesn't like me anymore.

I asked her if she was leaving me before I got a chance to leave her and she said yes.. Thing is, I wasn't going anywhere. Im feeling much better about myself. I am scared that since I have been in pretty much 1 relationship how in the world I'm going to get back out there and find another girl.

As far as she goes, fine you don't want to give it a second try after 12 years when I myself was growing up and she was getting what she wanted out of me. OK, the next girl will benefit.