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Just a little update. I went to see my counselor toady. Just got back. I also talked to my ex today. The ex does not trust me. She is having nightmares about us having a house and a family and me cheating on her in the garage. She has very little reason not to trust me so i know this is her and not me.

I was talking to my counselor about how i didn't feel a connection between us. He told me he thinks im closer to her than i think and maybe this is all scaring her. Maybe she is self destructing the relationship. She doesn't trust, not just me, but just trust period.

This gave me so much relief, i have been blaming myself all this time. I do trust this, because i know therapist dont like to speculate on the other person. They have meet one time.

We also talked about some of the manipulation that went on on her side, like constant giving of attention and constant needing of attention. And the saying of things that she didn't say, arguing the color of black and white. (this seems silly but is very serious after years of it)

She is really having a hard time, missing work, throwing up and is having these bad dreams. She also has alot of guilt. She thinks she is the bad guy. She has always felt very obligated to everyone.

All of my stupid anxiety is easing and im finding out i do love her alot more than i thought. At first i thought it might be me that couldnt get close. So im now going to be able to love her without so many strings. I think she does love and like being with me but her trust is in the way. Maybe me being there for her without all the (do you wanna get back together)questions will ease some of her pain and give her some trust.

I know this is what you guys have all been saying but i had to go through the detox first. But ultimately its her that has to trust me as i have not betrayed it. She has to trust me if this is going to work, and if she plain old doesnt want to be with me, somebody else will.

At the end of our conversation i told her that i was and always been there for her and that she could trust me. I then asked her if she wanted to talk later she said no, lets end this on a good note today. I said ok. After i got out of therapy i send her a text telling her to have a good day and that i am here for her if she needs me. Her dad is in surgery right now. It was really nice texting her without the want of a response.

I hope she can learn to trust me. We both are good faithful poeple who both have strong family values but both of our past have been in the way.

Shes feels she is the bad guy. She doesn't trust me and is having bad dreams. She isn't doing well with this. Any clue what is up with her. She does have a pretty bad family life.

stilllearning

Just another update, some of you may have seen this coming, i kinda did to..

She has threatened to beat the S**t out of me if i didnt call her back in 20 mins. She wrecked the car the next day. Then the following day she told me she had a miscarriage. This last one really upset me, for one was it mine and for 2 is she lying. More than likely she is lying, after 12 years together and we have never had anything happen before. Its not bothering me anymore because i just dont belive her. And while i was crying at first she sounded emotionless over the phone.

Now that i have internet and a phone to replace hers, tuesday the car goes out of my name and i get my life back...that is if she isnt done with me. Im getting the key to the hosue and not giving her my new phone number.

I cant believe all of this is happening, i know whats going on with her, its mental, her past is catching up with her and she is losing control of me. She is going to have some rough times ahead as her car is damaged and she is close to losing her job. But she left, there is nothing more for me to do.

stilllearning

Thanks for the support.......

talaniman

She will get over it, but watch your back. She sounds like a vindictive nut.

stilllearning

Another update guys. I just bought a new motorcycle. Really shouldnt have and actually went in not expecting to get approved but i did. It has really help me over the past week. Its a black beautiful street bike and everywhere i go i get into conversations with people .which is what i need!!! Its reallly boosting my confidence, i can now talk to women!! something i was horrible at before but now...im not so bad afterall.

The girls love it, i love it. My girl doesnt know yet. The past few days has been more of the same except now im getting mad at her, anger has its uses and right now its helping me see through the BS.

She now has to prove to me that she wants to work on things instead of ordering me to things then getting mad about it when i dont do as she says. Im felling better still have alot to work through but right now im having fun working and riding. A nice calm drama free simple life which is all i wanted. She can join me if she wants.