Sould I stay or should I go ?

sfqt33 · #1 May 30, 2006, 08:42 AM

Hi Everyone. I need your advise. My ex broke up with me a few years ago and I was devastated. I thought I worked through my feelings but, I didn't.
I saw an old friend of mine right after my breakup, and we started hanging out. She was consoling me and helping me through my pain. Her and I adventually ended up sleeping together. It seemed to ease my pain over my ex. It's a couple of years later and I still don't think I am over my ex.
This other woman and I have been dating a little over a year now.
Anyway, this other woman is very nice to me. She is somewhat smothering and needy. She is insecure and want's a marriage and life time commitment with me.
I thought I was truly in love with this woman, but the more I see, the more I am unsure. She has teenage kids who are out of control.
She wants to live together and have a future with me. I don't want that. I thought I did, but now I realize that, I was just in pain over my ex. Now I feel like I need atleat 6 months to a year to be alone and get over my ex. Because, I still think about her alot.
I feel suffocated by this other woman. I care about her and love her but, I think I am afraid to be single and alone. Just being honest.
I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants.
Should I break up with her and allow myself to heal and find adventually find the right woman or should I go to therapy and work on this relationship?

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 08:57 AM

That's a tough one.

You know, there was a reason you broke. I am in love with past lovers, but never would want them back in REALITY - they are DIFFERENT people today anyway. It's easy to remember the good times.

Now with the current relationship: you said it ALL: "I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants." - THIS IS REALITY.

I'd end it now. Those kids JUST don't go away. Never.

Remember though, you're really going to hurt her. You're gonna hurt her bad. Be prepared.

But, maybe you just need a breather from her?

sfqt33 · May 30, 2006, 09:03 AM

I tried a break. And things are good for a week and than I get agitated with this situation again. I know she is not going to change. And I know those kids will be around for a long time. I feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. I don't want to hurt her but., I want to be happy. It seems like the flame has gone out.

phillysteakandcheese · May 30, 2006, 09:26 AM

If you want to take 6 months to a year for yourself, you're going to have to be honest and tell her that. You can't expect her to wait for you, but if her feelings are genuine, she might....

I would recommend taking time for yourself: Just you. Single. On your own.

Work on you. Understand your feelings. Get yourself together. Think about your future and what you truely want.

In 6-12 months, your perspective may change.

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 09:39 AM

This is exactly why many of us here advise people to take a serious break for a good long while after a romantic relationship of any kind ends. Welcome aboard. Join us. Your firsthand experience could prove invaluable. Your post here alone is a good look at what happens when not enough of a break is made.

I am not going to clock in on whether you should stay or go. But I would like to add to some of the really necessary understanding you have begun to acquire so here goes:

You are beginning to see that "rebound" relationships are just that. They are founded on circumstances that won't hold up over time. Its a really vulnerable period and one where we are not thinking clearly. This is an easy to make mistake, by evidence of all the posts we get here on this topic too. You have realised part of this, now go the distance and recognise the mistake you made completely, and give yourself the proper time this time. In a way, you had no business getting into something serious and now you see the old "it just happened" doesn't work. (that is code language for "I don't want to be responsible" - not good

)

It is a fact of life that we cannot fix the pain of any loss (break up, illness, death, etc) of someone special with another someone. It won't be truly dealt with that way, from what I know. Any attempt to do so simply postpones the lesson and lets in more people to be hurt.

I appreciate your honesty in this, and although she will be hurt, she deserves to be told the truth. See, you matched her for a time, all insecure and needy.. but now you don't. It was not a way of life for you. Is it for her? With or without her, work on you. It will be the right thing and you will see more and more of that as time passes, if you do work on you.

Again, thanks for posting. I hope this helps.

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 09:47 AM

"feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. "

Have you spoken to her about this???? I mean really seriously spoken to her about this???? Have you spoken to her about her kids and how out of hand they and how 'you can't handle it'?

It MAY ope nher eyes as well. Step one - sit down and talk to her about this now.

sfqt33 · May 30, 2006, 09:48 AM

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

magprob · May 30, 2006, 09:48 AM

You don't want to be with this person. It was OK when you needed it but things have changed-namely you. As Paul Simon said, "you just hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan...and hurry!

sfqt33 · May 30, 2006, 09:52 AM

Yes, I have talked to her and been open about what type of commitment I want. She over steps my boundaries alot. It's like she doesn't want to hear the truth about how I feel. I told her I am not ready to move in with her and it pissed her off.
I said, "I understand if you want to find someone who will move in, be a step parent and take care of you", "but, I'm not the one". I told her I didn't want that commitment.
I said it "would hurt like hell, if that's what you decide, but, I understand".



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