[solahpowah]

I have been with my boyfriend for four years, we are 21 and 22. We have a great relationship in all aspects, except when we get into an argument. He always ignores me when we fight, even though I have explained that this is not healthy to avoid conflict and it hurts me more when he does this. But he says he needs his space. He is really bad at dealing with conflict and ends up making it worse because he gets really angry and ignores me, or makes me feel guilty for being upset over something he said when I can't control my feelings (and when I bring this up he claims I am making him feel like a bad boyfriend?? )

The most recent fight (which we are still in the middle of) was about us moving in together. I recently got an awesome new job that pays really well and we've talked about the future, we both want to move in, so I brought it up with him and he didn't seem that keen. I got upset because he didn't clearly explain that it was just because of money issues and not anything to do with him not wanting to live with me. We got into a fight because I overreacted and then he ignored me until Wednesday night when I finally caved and talked to him. We talked about it and the conversation went like this
Me: so what would we have to do to get you to the point where we would be financially ready to move in together?
Him: my financial standpoint
Me: what does that mean?
Him: I don't have a fulltime job
Me: when are you going to get one?
Him: I don't know
Me: okay well here's the deal, I'm going to get my license, driving lessons, save up for a car and once I have my license, a car and have saved up enough money, if by that time you are ready to move in, have a fulltime job etc, great, if not, I'm going to move out by myself into a share house.
Because either way I want to move out of home as soon as possible, and you can take as much time as you need to do whatever you need to do, get a fulltime job, whatever. You're clearly not in as big a hurry to move out as I am so I don't really see the point in me waiting for you
Him: yeah I don't see why you'd wait around for a piece of like me anyway, thanks for that, I'm done.

I realise that what I said may have come off harshly, but now he isn't speaking to me, he told me not to talk to him and to give him some space. After that he was speaking really sarcastically to me and refused to accept my apologies, even though I completely admitted that I shouldn't have said it, said sorry over and over, asked how I could fix it etc, he didn't care. Apparently what I said was so horrible to him I deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully and was bad enough that he needs space from it. I was being honest. I feel that is reaction was over the top.

The back story is, he's working at mcdonalds right now part time, has been there for almost 8 years. But he has wanted to be a chef since he was very little. He's a very good cook and is really talented and has what it takes to be a chef, but he has never made an effort to look for a job. He talks about wanting to be a chef, but is never bothered to make it happen. He has applied for maybe 4 jobs the entire time we've been together. Everyone, including me, his family, friends have tried to encourage him to apply for jobs but he has never been motivated. He is wasting his life at maccas because he is too scared to get a real job, even though he said to move in together he would need one. I have offered him support, even said I would help him with his theory work when he thought about going to tafe (school) for a cooking course, but nothing ever comes of it. I have no idea why he has never applied. He has so much talent, there is nothing stopping him from becoming a chef other than himself. I am out of ideas on how to encourage him. I don't want to push him too hard, but I feel like if I don't, we will never move in together because he won't move out until he has a full-time job, yet won't actually get one. He is slowing our future down and it is hurting me because he does not seem to care.

How can I make him see my side? Any advice or perspectives would be welcome.

[Teri12357]

Well, first off it is not your job to fix him. You can encourage but if you have to push then he isn't ready to stand up on his own two feet. Moving in together will only make matters worse. It is not always ponies and rainbows living together, even with the "perfect" relationship. That is why the commitment of marriage is so important, it forces you two to try harder. Is he involved in any drugs? That can snuff out many dreams. There are many guys out there that will love you and respect you. Just be patient and don't look too hard, they will find you. When young women look too hard it makes them look desperate or that they just want to "hook up". Just give him some space and try not to be jealous. Don't say too much because when you open up they know what you are thinking. It is more inticing when they don't know what you are thinking, just like he is doing to you. Obviously it is driving you crazy. If you want a really great relationship get involved in a good Bible believing church where men are under a higher authority to honor and love their wives as Christ loved the Church. To be honest if he has worked at McDonalds for 8 years and he is still only able to get part-time work that would be a big red flag for me and it should be for you too. Try to imagine if a friend had your same problem, what would you tell her?

I hope at least some of this will help.

Teri

[smoothy]

He's lazy... and he will always be lazy... you are wasting your time with him. As was mentioned.. you don't fix people that don't want to be fixed, and even if they wanted to be fixed...the odds are overwelming you would fail at it.

[talaniman]

Give him the space he ask for and back off with the pushing to help better him. Clearly he isn't ready, WILLING or able to see your perspective at this time. Do your thing your way until he is (if he ever will be is another issue).

Sorry, you cannot convince someone that doesn't WANT to be convinced.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will have to agree, after 8 years at McDonald's, and now out of high school, if he is not moved up and have a full time position by now, there is a more serious issue. My granddaughter has worked at a similar place for 2 years, and is one of supervisors will full time. (still works counter but all management works at these places)

[Precious7]

Have patience with him, give him space what he needs, and live your life, is he emotionally controlling you? If he doesn't have job, he'll not have money then he will not move in with you. Accept it. And think about your future, you have motivated him enough!

[Moogaman93]

I don't know this guy, so I'm not going to say he's lazy, that's harsh, there are probably a lot of underlying things factoring into why he hasn't moved onto something more secure. That being said, he's immature, at least emotionally, and really, only the most childish people I've met have given me the silent treatment, there's one thing being non-confrontational and there's another being dismissive due to aggression.

[talaniman]

Most times people are ignored because the person doesn't want to hear what's being said to them. Clearly this fellow isn't ready for what the OP is ready for and that's okay. Sometimes you have to do your own thing your way without your partner. That's the whole conflict here. The OP wants the partner to do what SHE wants, and the partner doesn't WANT to.

You can't control others so back off, and do what you want without them. The OP DOESN't want to backoff. Until she does, there will be a conflict.

How can I make him see my side?

By doing your thing without him, and being happy in doing it. You want to move out on your on, do it, NO buts, (as in I want him to move in with me on OUR own).