[mimi12310]

I am considering breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. I've known him since I started college. We were friends at first, but then began dating (After I asked him out). I knew from the very beginning that I wasn't the type of girl he dates, especially from his past few girlfriends. I've lived with him for a year while I was at school. We've both graduated and I'm back home (about 20 min drive from his place). I've always felt like I've loved him more and that he's always placed his school work before me. When we were just friends, I would help him out a lot with his work because he's hearing impaired and has a difficult time reading/writing. When our friendship turned into a relationship, I used to think that he was just using me.

Then, we began living together and we would go out a lot more and he spent more time with me and I thought he was really putting effort into the relationship. But, he never wants to do anything in bed (I'm not sure if that's because he's taking hair growth pills, which supposedly lower a man's sex drive). He never really compliments me, so when he does, I really treasure his words. I've also noticed that it's hard for me to look me in the eyes when we kiss or when I hug him, as if he's not proud of what's before him. Although we went to school together, I've only hung out with a few of his friends and only twice, which again makes me feel like he doesn't want his friends to think that he can't find himself a "hotshot" so he's stuck with me. But, I've met his family in Florida once and stayed at their place for a few weeks and I also met them at graduation. And most importantly, I have a hard time trusting him. When we were friends, he would lie to me about little things like where he was or what he was doing, but when we started dating I told him that I can't be with someone I cant trust, so he got better about it. But, I still have a hard time trusting him from time to time. Sometimes, he lies about very small and silly things, usually when he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone. But, I feel like if I can't trust him with these small things, how will I ever trust him with anything big?

Now, since I'll be at home, I won't be able to see him too much. One of our biggest problems is that he's always complaining about how I whine a lot about our relationship. Even if I tell him that I'm sad because I won't be able to see him everyday or that I'm scared that he'll find someone else while I'm not there, he gets mad at me for saying these sort of things. He complains that I whine too much and I'm always talking about negative things. I've tried my very best to stop, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like he's just making excuses for not talking to me or just wants me to leave him alone. I know that I'm insecure in this relationship because I always compare myself to the girls he "checks out" when I'm there or the ones he talks to on fb. I just wish he was more thoughtful and caring towards me and prioritized me more.

I feel like everything he does for me/with me, he's always looking to see if there's something in it for him. For instance, if he has an exam coming up in the next few days, he wouldn't want to go out to the movies with me, even if he's been constantly studying. But, I would be willing to take a few hours out to go if I was in his situation.I just feel like he's been looking for a way out for a long time too or just isn't really into me. Or, maybe he's been using me this whole time. I literally help him out with a lot of his school work. But then, why take so much time out of your schedule for someone else?

[talaniman]

Schools out and maybe its time for a break and see if you cannot resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. Sometimes couples cannot adjust to the changes life throws at you, and it just fizzles when you cannot get beyond your issues.

So an honest evaluation on how to proceed looks like it needs to happen and if you cannot talk about it, then it won't last much longer any way. Its called the fork in the road. Which way will you go?

[Alty]

I have to say, and this is not meant to be harsh, but just judging by what you wrote, you do sound very clingy, and whiny.

You expect him to treat you the way you want to be treated, and when he can't, because that's not who he is, you complain.

You compare yourself to his past girlfriends, or people he talks to or checks out. You're the one putting yourself down. If he didn't want you, do you really think he'd be with you just because you help him with his homework?

A small white lie like "I'm really busy, can't talk right now", is much better than saying "you're being too whiny, I can't handle talking to you right now, so I'm going to hang up". Everyone does that, but you expect him to be 100% honest even about the little things that don't matter? Are you always 100% honest? If you say yes, you're lying. No one is!

It sounds like you have standards that are impossible for anyone to meet.

That's my take on this.

Bottom line. We don't know what your relationship is like. We're not there. We have a one page post from your perspective to go by. I'd love to hear his side of the story to get the entire picture. But we can't make this choice for you. You said you want to break up with him. That's your answer. You want to. You're just looking for someone to tell you that you have a good reason to do it. Time to put on the big girl panties and make your own decisions.

Sorry if that came off as harsh. That isn't my intention. Just being honest based on what you wrote.

[smoothy]

I agree with the others... what might have been cute at 16, becomes damn annoying when you get a few years older. And I'm guesing you are in the 20-21 year old range....am I correct? People do a lot of maturing through college and change a lot as to what they want out of life. It means two people might mature into differnt directions. Happens with regularity actually. I think it happened here too. Only more for him than you.


And honestly... if I was being smothered... I'd be looking for a way out. There are points where not enough is bad... just enough is fantastic... too much and you want to run away screaming. It sounds like you crossed the line from the second scenario into the third.

[DoulaLC]

It sounds like you aren't getting the responses that you want when you go fishing for them. When you tell him that you'll be sad not to see him everyday, are you hoping he will say that he'll be sad too? Or that you worry he'll meet someone else, are you hoping he'll be reassuring that he is only interested in you?

You set yourself up for disappointment when you have a scenerio in your mind but he doesn't know the script you want him to follow.The more that he doesn't respond how you think that he should, the more you worry that he has used you or isn't interested so you fish some more hoping for a different result.

As Alty said, maybe he doesn't want to talk at the moment, maybe he was watching television, maybe the conversations are starting to all sound familiar and he is tired of hearing things over again.

Before you call it quits, maybe let him know that you want to talk with him. Prepare before you talk... really think about what you want, have you actually made it clear to him and not assumed that he should be able to figure it out.When you do talk, acknowledge ways that you may not have communicated effectively. Have a discussion about where you both see the relationship going. He may have his own thoughts to share with you. If you still don't feel the relationship will improve, or be something that you can accept, then you'll need to make a decision.