[lileeob]

My current boyfriend "Jesse" wants to ask my ex "joe" if he still loves me. I told him we are just friends (which we are) but Joe still writes "pretty" on my pictures or what not, he is very nice and a good hearted person. This upset my current, now he is hell bent on going up to joe in person with me and asking him if he still loves me. Hoping to clear the air I guess for himself? I think this is pointless, stupid, and embarrassing. I don't even see or hang out with my Joe, we are only friends on Facebook and maybe to say hi how are you doing? Not hang out or anything.

My boyfriend Jesse sees my defensiveness as suspicious, but I am only trying to stand my ground and avoid any conflict that isn't necessary. I don't want to make joe feel like a dummy, and I don't believe we have any business going to his house and asking him that. My current is also very controlling and manipulative, I feel if I let him get his way on this one he will take it as a sign he is back in control and can take back control of my actions and my life. He keeps telling me how I am not acting the way he thought I would, and its bothering him even further, instead of just dropping it the subject all together, he just pushes harder.

What do I do? Is this right? Jesse said his friends think it totally makes sense to them but I am sorry I just don't think it is right! I also would have no interest in talking to his ex PERIOD, never mind asking if they were "just friends?" I also believe she has no good reason to tell me the truth, even if they were more than just friends. I am very different than him this way, I am also less controlling than he is and I have less of a need to "know more", I also feel like I trust him enough not to act that way because I know better, I also feel like acting that way would only diminish my sense of self worth.

It also doesn't help that Joe is still someone I loved after I met Jesse, and at the beginning of our relationship I was still speaking to Joe(not cheating, just in touch with and cared about) it made my current very angry at the time, he carried it out through our relationship, making me tell him my every move, avoid going out anywhere, made me feel sexually unattractive because he didn't want me for awhile but never broke up with me, and also became just plain mean to me, in spite also started talking to his ex, amongst many many other things... until we broke up six months down the road. I went back with Joe. And jesse went his separate way.

About two months of that and me and joe broke up because he is an alocoholic and I'm not strong enough to deal with it like I thought I could, we are just too different ( I rarely drink)
Jesse and I got back together and things are going good. Except this.

Jesse also wants to know every little detail, from who I see at work (exes, if anyone hits on mevor even compliments me, touches me( or hugs)) I live in a small town where running into your ex is very likely, so it makes me feel akward when I have to tell him these things, especially when to me they are so mundane!! I do not want these people back and I do not let them touch me.

What do I do or tell him to calm his nerves but also drawing the line at the same time?

[LittleBlackKat]

Either he trusts you or he doesn't. It's that simple. If you tell him you are friends ONLY with your ex, he needs to take that into consideration, trust you, and continue your relationship.

OR he may choose not to trust you, and in that case I'd say leave him and move on. What is the point of staying in a relationship in which there is no trust? You've already stated that he is controlling and manipulative. Why stay? Remove yourself from the situation before it gets worse.

Hope this helps.

[odinn7]

What do you tell him to calm his nerves?

You tell him that you're tired of being in an abusive and controlling relationship and that if he needs to keep track of every detail of who you see, why, and for how long... then he can find someone else to do this to.

Honestly... why the hell would you... why would anyone put up with this? I can never understand how someone can let themselves be controlled in this way and not see a problem with it. The guy is a jerk and you know it. He won't be happy unless he is controlling what you do and who you talk to. Do you think it will get better as time goes on? It won't.

As far as him wanting to "clear the air" with Joe... that's a joke. He wants to confront Joe and do his manly thing and prove to Joe that he is the guy in charge and Joe better watch out or the big man will put him in his place. That's what he wants...

... yet you just sit there and think it's all OK... and that he will someday be the true man that you want him to be.

It's not going to happen.

[lileeob]

As far as him wanting to "clear the air" with Joe... that's a joke. He wants to confront Joe and do his manly thing and prove to Joe that he is the guy in charge and Joe better watch out or the big man will put him in his place. That's what he wants...

This made me laugh out loud. But yes, I know!. you are right. And I am sticking to my guns and am willing to walk away

[Wondergirl]

What to do? Dump him!

[odinn7]

This made me laugh out loud. but yes, i know!!...you are right. And i am sticking to my guns and am willing to walk away

Really? I hope you are serious. You should also inform him that he will not be checking up on you and telling you who you can talk to. Take care of it all now because I know for a fact that he isn't going to change on his own and the longer you let this go on, the worse it will get.

I realize my original post to you sounds harsh, and really, it is... but sadly, sugar coating things in situations like this will help nobody. I see things like this and it reminds me of what my sister went through and I just wish someone had been able to talk sense into her. So yeah, I was mean about it to you... but I want you to see the seriousness of it all.

A man like this is no good for you... no good for anyone.