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662418082010 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:13 AM

I have been living with my common law husband for 1 year now and we have a very good relationship. He is 39 and I am 44. This week he is going for a week's trip up north with 12 other guys, snowmobilling. I know for a fact they will be going to a strip club one of those nights.

I am a very jealous person and somewhat insecure. I am a good looking women with self confidence but I don't know why I am so jealous as I know he is my man. He never goes out other times or has been to clubs before.

How do I handle that when he returns? Do I just let it go? Ask him how his week was? Just don't mention it? What actually happens at strip clubs when they see a bunch of guys walk in... and how do I handle it in the future days and months to come... do I just let it go... I just don't know how to handle it. I know the night they are going and I will be going stur crazy that night...

I feel like I am having an axiety attack every time I think of it... please help me get through it.

Oliver2011 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:24 AM

The action of going to the strip club with 12 others is more about peer pressure and not about cheating on you in the least bit. The fact that he doesn't do this when he is home should be assurance enough. You need to find a way to let this go. My guess is you won't.

What do you want to come from this when he gets back? Will you feel better if you have a knocked down drag out fight? The answer is no. You should maybe try to have fun with it. My guess is you won't.

"I am a very jealous person and somewhat insecure" - A relationship where one partner isn't allowed to have fun without the other partner is not a relationship. It is a controlling co-dependency. You need to fix this or it will be rocky times in the future anytime he wants to have fun.

Now I am in no way saying you should accept him going into a strip club several times a week. The fact that he doesn't when home tells me this is more of your issue that you need to deal with now.

662418082010 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:28 AM

Thank you Oliver2011 and I understand what you are saying. I agree with you, but how do I handle it. Contrary to what you said, I will let it go as I know it will lead to a fight and I don't what that. He does nothing wrong, and he should not be blamed or drilled at the fact... I just don't want to feel this in my gutt... I hate it!

Oliver2011, I'M assuming you're a man? How would you like as a man for your women to handle it?

Oliver2011 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by 662418082010

Oliver2011, I'M assuming your a man? How would you like as a man for your women to handle it?

I am a man but actually I am gay. I have been dating a guy for about 2.5 years and we have been exclusive since October. I trust him completely. Much like you I can say "He does nothing wrong" and that is my focus. He's not the type that would go to a male strip club at all. Understand that 12 of his buddies are going to this joint and he wants to be with his buddies. Prepare his special dinner when he gets home and laugh about it with him. This will move your relationship forward whereas a fight would move it 15 steps backwards.

I went to strip clubs in the past and they are a waste of money. Nothing big happens there. It was with my softball team and our 3rd baseman's sister was one of the strippers. Talk about awkward. Wow!

One other thing - learn to worry about things when you have something to worry about. Why cause yourself stress before you have something to worry about? Life is too short for that kind of stress.

backpack2389 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:45 AM

"How would you like as a man for your women to handle it?"

I am a woman, not a man, but I can tell you he probably doesn't want you to 'handle it' at all. My guess is he doesn't want you to say/do anything, even think this much, about it.

"... how do I handle it... "

I think this depends on what you want the outcome to be. If you just accept that it will happen and let slide off your back, that's what it will do. If you make a big deal out of it, it will be just that, a big deal and a problem. But, either way he will go, and there's nothing you can do about that. And as Oliver said, this is something he's doing with friends that he doesn't do normally, so his most compelling motivation would seem to be to 'have a man's night out' with the guys. What are you so worried about him doing anyway? Looking at another woman in a sexual manner? He probably does that all the time as I assume you do too, but with other men. If you don't trust him enough to feel confident that he won't cheat, then you shouldn't be with him.

I think you're devoting a lot of worry to something that doesn't merit your concern and you're probably doing it because of this - "I am a very jealous person and somewhat insecure" - not because of anything your 'husband' has done to prove he is untrustworthy.

If you're going to be going 'stir crazy' while he is out that night, then you should go out too. Go to dinner with friends, get drinks, do something to occupy yourself so you won't be sitting at home, fretting about what you imagine he could be doing. I assume you trust him. This is one of those times when that is tested and how you 'handle this' will prove whether you really do trust him.

662418082010 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:51 AM

Thank you for your responses... I think just reading what you have to say helps... No I am not worried about him cheating in the least bit. He is a good man and we have something good. I just hate the feeling and like you said ''backpack'' I am wondering of what happens and have all these images in my mind... when I should't.

Oliver, thank you for your honest and kinds words, I will take your advise and make him a nice supper when he returns... I will ask how his trip was and embelish what he tells me about him having a good time with the guys.

Like I said, I think it's a matter of reading other posts and me convincing myself that ""all"" is OK!!

Oliver2011 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by 662418082010

thank you for your responses....I think just reading what you have to say helps....No I am not worried about him cheating in the least bit. He is a good man and we have something good. I just hate the feeling and like you said ''backpack'' I am wondering of what happens and have all these images in my mind....when I should't.

Oliver, thank you for your honest and kinds words, I will take your advise and make him a nice supper when he returns....I will ask how his trip was and embelish what he tells me about him having a good time with the guys.

Like I said, I think it's a matter of reading other posts and me convincing myself that ""all"" is ok!!!

Remember all this on that night and just let the bad energy go. Like the one responder said - go out with some girlfriends and have a good time. And this to shall pass!

662418082010 · Feb 19, 2013, 07:56 AM

Thank you... I will take your advise and go out with some girls for some drinks!

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 09:59 AM

Don't know if anyone is online about this, but it is eating me up inside... and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Any comments pelase!!

Oliver2011 · Feb 20, 2013, 10:05 AM

What about all we talked about yesterday. You are obsessing over this. Fill your head with other thoughts and do other activities.

Is this a real expectation that he is going to come home from the trip and say "Honey I saw a stripper and I want a divorce!" Or how about "Honey the strip club has opened my eyes. I only want to be with strippers!" NO - so let it go.

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 10:18 AM

Oliver... I knew and I hoped you would answer me. I've been googling what happens in strip clubs, and I shouldn't have... It's driving me crazy. I know I need to let it go, but I don't know how. I've contacted two of my girlfriends to have dinner tonight so I won't think of it all night.

I don't want to tell him any comments or start anything with him... I just want to let it go! But I don't know how!!

JudyKayTee · Feb 20, 2013, 10:55 AM

I'm a female. First, I don't use the term "my man." It implies ownership. "My husband" is different.

You are in a State which recognizes common law after one year?

This is what happens in strip clubs - women come out, dance and remove their clothes. How many they remove depends on the State/Country. They get paid to do so. It's a job. Do they play up to the men? Certainly. It's all about the tips. Some clubs offer dances a percentage of the drink revenue - the more patrons drink during a set the more the stripper makes. Some allow the strippers to mingle and patrons buy them drinks - at highly inflated prices.

"Respectable clubs" have no touching rules. Some clubs allow lap dances. Some do not.

I think it's a rough, sometimes sad way to make a living.

I put stippers in the same category as porn - I'm not threatened. If a man is going to stray, he's going to stray, and keeping him away from porn and strippers and other women (in general) is going to change nothing.

Why are you having difficulty letting "it" go? I am concerned that you are unable to tell him about your concerns - that doesn't mean you are issuing an ultimatum. It means you are concerned. Can you discuss other things with him?

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 11:02 AM

Yes, we discuss everything with each other. It's just that this may be an issue where he may think is childish. They are on a 5 day snowmobilling trip and it's his first time going. He doenst go to bars, let alone strip clubs. It's just something in me I guess. If I bring up the subject, I'm just afraid it will lead to an argument and I don't want that. But is it better to just let it go (I don't know if I can)... then I will feel as if we can't talk about it... IDK!

JudyKayTee · Feb 20, 2013, 11:08 AM

I would tell him how you feel - if you can't talk to him, who can you talk to? You don't have to seem needy or insecure. Tell him you worry about him going to a strip club because... what are you worried about? That he'll meet someone and run off? That he'll buy someone a drink? That he'll have sex in a back room somewhere? That he'll compare a stripper's body to yours?

Look into yourself and see just why this upsets you, and then tell him exactly that.

You don't have to be confrontational or teary or argue. You aren't forbidding him to go - after all, you're not his mother! The idea makes you uneasy because...

My cousin's wife always hung on my late husband. I didn't like it. I stewed every time it happened. And then one day I sat down and tried to figure out why it bothered me. He wasn't going to run off with her because she aggravated him, too. Then I realized that I felt she was disrespecting me, not him. And so I told her exactly that - I felt disrespected and would rather not feel that way. She backed off, way off, and I think it was because I could articulate exactly why it upset me.

So look into yourself and tell him.

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 11:16 AM

You are right... I think I am a little insecure and that is the reason. I feel that I am (at 44) starting to get older and inferior to all these younger, good looking girls. I know I can't stop that, but It's hard for me to accept. It was I who use to get those looks and now it's diminishing. I love him dearly and trust him. Just the thought of another women touching him and groping him, just doesn't sit well with me. I think it's a form of cheating in my eyes... I know he would not accept it very well if the tables were turned.

JudyKayTee · Feb 20, 2013, 11:21 AM

Now we're getting somewhere!

Why do you think anyone will be toucing him, groping him? Did you read what I posted about strip clubs?

We're ALL getting older - and you know he meets younger, attractive (but not more attractive than you) women every day. I would guess the chances a man cheats at work are far greater than the chances a man cheats at a strip club.

But what do I know - ?

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 11:28 AM

He is with 12 other men, so I'm thinking it may be about peer pressure at this point as he is not the type to go. He cannot be expected to sit in the hotel by himself while 11 of them go to the bar simply because ''his wife'' would not approve. I know that. No, I am not his mother and I don't try to control him in any way, I just need to see it as a bunch of guys going out and having honest fun. It's just hard. And I don't want to make a big deal of it for him...

Oliver2011 · Feb 20, 2013, 11:32 AM

I agree with JudyKayTee - it is easier for him to cheat other places than in a strip club. They have big men in strip clubs who watch to make sure there isn't any touchy touchy. Your husband has given you no reason to not trust him, so trust him to do the right thing please. Again worry when there is something to worry about. You are bringing all this negative energy into your life when really you should have a fun night out with the girls. Come down to Orlando and Adam and I will take you out on the town.

JudyKayTee · Feb 20, 2013, 11:33 AM

Is the offer open to everyone? I'm in Orlando on March 4th.

662418082010 · Feb 20, 2013, 11:34 AM

LOL... thanks guys! You have really put a light to all of this for me. I will try and not think of it, surround myself with other ideas and outings, and hope I can let it go... I know it will not be fair to him if I make a big deal out of it...

And If I were close to Orlando, I would take you up on that Oliver... thank you! But I live in Northern Ontario, Canada... LOL

OK, now I really want to go to Orlando!! LOL