[tw_2008]

I see that one of our moderators has already been busy editing your posts so we can read them. And yes, I'm 67 years old and I text, using complete words and full sentences when I do. I tried to give you a non-judgmental and helpful answer.

You are going to have to fish or cut bait if you want a marriage. Just hoping for it and for him to realize what a treasure he has with you and his child won't make it happen. You are going to have to shock the pants off him by proposing yourself and then leaving him if he pushes you off again.

Well thank you for not judging and if I offended anyone.. I apologize.

Shock the pants off him.. laughing out loud.. I think I mite run him away but earlier I did tell someone on here that I am thinking very hard on that. I do have a trip to Florida coming up the first week of march, a very much needed trip for our little family. And I am thinking of doing it then. If he doesn't give me a straight answer either Yes or No then I am washing my hands. As my adoptive mom use to tell me u make your bed you can lay in it.. if I get the response of a No then he is losing out on a good women. Being with him and around his family with all their traditions as how a women should be towards their man or husband I think I took in much consideration but it will be sad if he does say no cause that will be the end of us. I think I have done everything in my power to good by him. But thanks again for the advice

[Wondergirl]

But thanks again for the advice

I'll be sitting on your shoulder in Florida, giving you courage.

Let us know how this works out.

[tw_2008]

How on earth could marriage ruin things? (except for his being able to easily cut and run when things go bad) You and I both know that is an excuse that is full of crap.

Well me and you are on the same page.. I told him that it is full of crap. Marriage doesn't ruin things people ruin things. It all depends on how devoted, loving, caring, phyisically, emotionally, spirtiually, verbally, and mentally your willing to be with this person for the rest of your life. I don't think he can forfill all of this and that's why I believe he is acting soooo (I don't know a good word of how to describe his actions) but its crazy. I am 25 he's 30 and you'd think that it be the other way around. Maybe he's just immature. They do say women mature faster than men. So why do I feel so discouraged, beaten, like I have lost.

[joypulv]

Wow, I said call HIS bluff (implying by not moving back in together until he marries you), and you got it all wrong, saying I said YOU were bluffing?
I was trying to give you the tough love kick in the pants I think you need. I knew others would be more gentle. You take what you want here, and don't critique each response. It's all OPINION, not fact.
Stay the way you are for another ten years and never get that wedding. I couldn't care less at this point. Each times someone offers anything at all, you complain.
Maybe that part of your personality has something to do with this whole issue with him.

[tw_2008]

I'll be sitting on your shoulder in Florida, giving you courage.

Let us know how this works out.

Thank you. I need it, must I say I am so use to hearing no that I've become so scared to ask or say anything without feeling fearful

[Wondergirl]

So why do I feel so discouraged, beaten, like I have lost.

Men aren't listeners, but believe in action. So that's your cue. Take action! Be the female Terminator in his life!

[Fr_Chuck]

As others have said, he has no reason to marry you. He has everything just the way he wants it, and he believes you will just stay with him, like it is.
You really have a couple choices, set up a demand, we get married or I am gone
Or just move out and tell him he can date you if he wants, but to live together will take a ring

[Wondergirl]

Thank you. I need it, must I say I am so use to hearing no that I've become so scared to ask or say anything without feeling fearful

Don't give him softness and sweetness. You've been there and done that and it didn't work. Now you have to get serious. Real serious! For your child's sake!

[tw_2008]

Wow, I said call HIS bluff (implying by not moving back in together til he marries you), and you got it all wrong, saying I said YOU were bluffing?
I was trying to give you the tough love kick in the pants I think you need. I knew others would be more gentle. You take what you want here, and don't critique each response. It's all OPINION, not fact.
Go ahead and stay the way you are for another ten years and never get that wedding. I could care less at this point. Each times someone offers anything at all, you complain.
Maybe that part of your personality has something to do with this whole issue with him.

Ok.. I must say I do agree with you now and no I don't complain.. I mean I do but I don't. Maybe I took it the wrong way and I can admit when I am wrong. And I do apologize. Sooo sorry. But I have a question.. are you male or female if you don't mind me asking?

As others have said, he has no reason to marry you. He has everything just the way he wants it, and he believes you will just stay with him, like it is.
You really have a couple choices, set up a demand, we get married or I am gone
or just move out and tell him he can date you if he wants, but to live together will take a ring

Hahaha.. I laugh because I feel stupid.. you know what he says to me your not going any where cause we have already been together for so long.. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but in this case cause he feels like I will never leave him I am I have to for me but also for his son

Don't give him softness and sweetness. You've been there and done that and it didn't work. Now you have to get serious. Real serious! for your child's sake!

I know what you mean.. female terminator.. laughing out loud.. this is going to be a big step for me but its something I must do. Just hope that it has a good out come and I hope at the end of the day it will not be a regret.. thank you, you have truly made me feel much better and I will let you know how the trip to Florida ends

[joypulv]

I'm a 66 year old woman.

[tw_2008]

I'm a 66 year old woman.

Ok. So you have many years of experience and you are wise. I'm sorry if I offended in anyway I was not brought up disrespect my elders. So if you were in this situation what would you do? And yes I know I didn't give every detail but our few good times do out weigh the many bad times and prior to our son he did cheat and that was about 7 years ago but has not done it since. But we have over came that. Would you stay? Would you give him an ultimatum, knowing that it may push him away? Would you propose yourself? Or would you let it go and just wait another 9 years?

[joypulv]

OK (blushing at being asked because of my age, experience, and age), I like the suggestion of proposing! I would present a bouquet and get down on one knee all smiles and eagerness. A bit of a satire in a way, but a nice one.
Then I would tell him (20, 30 minutes after he waffles or says no or mumbles something not a big fat yes) that that was his last chance, that there is nothing naggy about wanting to be married at this stage, and that you are not living with him again unless you are married. Say it just as cheerfully as when you proposed and look him in the eye as you say it. Make sure he knows you mean it by your look and tone, but no anger. It will take guts, sure, but isn't it preferable over more slow torture? Go for it.

[tw_2008]

OK (blushing at being asked because of my age, experience, and age), I like the suggestion of proposing! I would present a bouquet of flowers and get down on one knee all smiles and eagerness. A bit of a satire in a way, but a nice one.
Then I would tell him (20, 30 minutes after he waffles or says no or mumbles something not a big fat yes) that that was his last chance, that there is nothing naggy about wanting to be married at this stage, and that you are not living with him again unless you are married. Say it just as cheerfully as when you proposed and look him in the eye as you say it. Make sure he knows you mean it by your look and tone, but no anger. It will take guts, sure, but isn't it preferable over more slow torture? Go for it.

Well of course id ask you, laughing out loud. I am going to ask him and I am hoping to get a Yes of course. But if I don't I know in my heart that this may break us and it is a chance that I am willing to take. Everything in life happends for a reason and purpose so if it is meant to be then it will happen. The man above does not give you anything you can not handle.

Thank you so much. And wish me luck. 10 more days until our vacation to Florida with our little guy. So at the end of our vacation we should know. Thank you again

I'm going into this knowing that it maybe the end of a 9 year relationship but I also know that I if I'm not stern he is going to keep me waiting

[JudyKayTee]

I would not stay with anyone if I had to give him an ultimatum. People who don't ask you to marry them do so because they don't want you to marry them.

If the relationship is good and sound and happy why would you leave "just" because he won't marry you? I'm not understanding that part.

You had the child, unmarried. Why does it matter so much now?

EDI:; I just found the other thread and realize there is a handicapped child involved. How is that impacting on your relationship with the father, the plans for marriage? A child who requires that much care can severely strain a relationship. Maybe there's more than one issue at play here. Do you receive benefits for the child, benefits which will end if/when you marry? Is his concern partially financial?

[tw_2008]

I would not stay with anyone if I had to give him an ultimatum. People who don't ask you to marry them do so because they don't want you to marry them.

If the relationship is good and sound and happy why would you leave "just" because he won't marry you? I'm not understanding that part.

You had the child, unmarried. Why does it matter so much now?

I feel as if an issue with me having a child without being married is the problem. My son was a surprise to both I was on birth control and not to mention was told that it would be hard to have children because of cancer cells on my ovaries. Just because I had a child with him and he has gotten so use to the fact and confident that I will never leave him is unfair to me and my son. I shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum. Question for you. Are you married if you don't mind me asking? It doesn't matter if I have the big wedding would it be nice yes of course. But I am not getting any younger and I would like to be someone's one and only. It pretty sad that I feel like I'm the one that looks like a bad guy. When honestly I've been nothing but a good and loving provider to my son and his father but when I don't ask for much and most of the time I am bending backwards to make every one else happy I think it almost a little selfish when I ask for one thing its wrong. I didn't ask this question to be looked at as a selfish person but I ask for advice on the situation. For 9 years I have been with my sons father 6 of them I was the soul provider; working 45 hrs a week, full time college student, paying bills, taking care of a home and household, then when my son came along it was all that then the 10 special needs programs he was in that my son and me were in. I think I have proven myself and to my sons father that. But I don't know, I am going to ask him in the next week or more and if it not what he wants in life then I will move on cause my values are not souly on just being married but some are and some people want to be married and some don't but I am one who does.

[JudyKayTee]

Yes, I'm married. I was also married prior to this marriage and widowed. I have no biological children, seven stepchildren, six stepgrandchldren.

Why?

I knew my late husband 7 weeks when I married him. He proposed on our first date. I thought he was crazy. We married 7 weeks later and everyone thought we were both crazy.

I like the stability of a good marriage. I would not want to be in a marriage with someone I had to beg to marry me. I also am not a "live together" person - I work in the legal profession and it's as difficult to walk away from a relationshp as it is to walk away from a marriage and the legal part is worse.

Do you receive benefits for the child?

[tw_2008]

Yes, I'm married. I was also married prior to this marriage and widowed. I have no biological children, seven stepchildren, six stepgrandchldren.

Why?


I knew my late husband 7 weeks when I married him. He proposed on our first date. I thought he was crazy. We married 7 weeks later and everyone thought we were both crazy.

I like the stability of a good marriage. I would not want to be in a marriage with someone I had to beg to marry me. I also am not a "live together" person - I work in the legal profession and it's as difficult to walk away from a relationshp as it is to walk away from a marriage and the legal part is worse.

Do you receive benefits for the child?

I asked because maybe you didn't have a good. Experience with the whole marriage thing and wanted to know.

I am not begging we have talked about a few times in the past how he thought of the whole marriage thing. And this will be the first time of me ever asking anyone in my life. This will be his first time when I do ask him of encountering the whole marriage thing. How can you say what your saying when you rushed I am not rushing and I've been with him for 9 years going on 10? I do not beg, a simple yes or no OK for him to give me but if he says no then I will wash my hands

Nd I work and go to school but I am not on welfare if that's what you meant. He does receive SSI so it can help him to be in extra programs that are not free

[JudyKayTee]

I read your other post. I know you work. I asked if your son receives benefits which would be discontinued if/when you married. I realize you work full-time, go to college full-time, raise your child.

Why did/do you think I'm anti-marriage?

You have lived with a man for this many years and he has no idea you would like to get married, that's why he's never asked?

I still don't understand why if you are in a happy relationship you would walk out if he won't marry you - ? What am I missing?

I believe he cheated at some time in the relationship - I think that's what you said. Marriage will not keep him from cheating again, if that is your concern.

I did not act rashly, by the way, didn't "rush" into marriage. I married in a cardiac intensive care unit and my husband was not expected to survive the surgery. He did survive - and I'd do it all over again. You don't want to be judged. Don't judge why I married so quickly.

I think some of the answers to your question would have been different if you had posted about the health of your child.

And, yes, one of my stepgrandchildren is severely handicapped. I know first hand what that can do to a family unit.

[tw_2008]

I read your other post. I know you work. I asked if your son receives benefits which would be discontinued if/when you married. I realize you work full-time, go to college full-time, raise your child.

Why did/do you think I'm anti-marriage?

You have lived with a man for this many years and he has no idea you would like to get married, that's why he's never asked?

I still don't understand why if you are in a happy relationship you would walk out if he won't marry you - ? What am I missing?

I believe he cheated at some time in the relationship - I think that's what you said. Marriage will not keep him from cheating again, if that is your concern.

I did not act rashly, by the way, didn't "rush" into marriage. I married in a cardiac intensive care unit and my husband was not expected to survive the surgery. He did survive - and I'd do it all over again. You don't want to be judged. Don't judge why I married so quickly.

I think some of the answers to your question would have been different if you had posted about the health of your child.

And, yes, one of my stepgrandchildren is severely handicapped. I know first hand what that can do to a family unit.

Well if my sons benefits were to be cut if we were married then that's something that we would have to work on as a couple and I know that with both of our incomes we would be able to afford it. And your right I can not make it work if he has cheated in the pass maybe that's another reason so since it stands where it stands no one has yet answer my ture question or even advised what I could possibly do. Should I stay and never see a marriage in the future? And maybe I would have gotten a different response had I said that I had a disabled child but me getting married shouldn't be based off our child being disabled. And if you married him because of the reason, are you guys together now, did you grow to love him and was it hard to marry someone you knew so little about?

And I am happy but why not get married? He knows and like I said he's had his opinion but I as well have my own and what I don't understand is that he has honestly told me because of our sons disabilities he doesn't want another child and I want one more but am satisfied with my son. And he has said he wants to be married when he is older but really could careless if he gets married. It may not matter to some but others feel differently. I am not the only one in the world that feels this way about it.

And I'm not trying to judge but because you did explain the situation if I were in that situation I think I might of done the same. You have a good heart and are strong to deal with something that extreme

[JudyKayTee]

If you re-read you'll see I was widowed.

My advice is to stay in a relationship, unmarried, if you are happy with things the way they are. If you are not happy in the relationship, then go. I'm not a believer in ultimatums. You say you would address any monetary issues as a couple; however, you cannot seem to discuss and make a decision about the marriage question. Your inability to tell him how you are feeling is not going to change when you marry.

It's entirely your choice - if you need to be married and he declines, well, then I think you need to leave. If you can live with things the way they are, then stay.

I'm not much for ultimatums.