[JustARegularGuy]

I don't really know where to start, as there's so much to say. I'll try to keep it short and to the point.

3 years ago I met an amazing girl, and we hit it off right away. We started dating a couple months after we met, and it was amazing! We got on so well together, and everything was perfect. She had just turned 17 before we started dating, and I turned 18 shortly after we began our relationship.

I never imagined liking any girl as much as I've ever liked her, not even my "future wife." She was so special to me, and we understood each other. I suffer from mild ADHD, pretty severe OCD, bad anxiety, and depression that is most likely caused by me having to deal with all of my issues.

Anyway when we started dating, she made me feel at the top of the world. For like a year or so into our relationship, I didn't have any of my OCD, anxiety, or depression symptoms. I always thought of death and other things, and would worry constantly. But after meeting her, I wasn't scared anymore. Even though it didn't last forever, I still felt so happy with my girlfriend. She made me feel at equilibrium.

Now this was my first relationship, and first love. So I had no idea what feelings were normal, and what feelings weren't. So I panicked when the honeymoon phase was ending, because I never even heard of it at the time. My OCD made me over think every little thing, and my anxiety didn't help.

But our relationship and love was true, and it was genuine. She suffered from OCD and ADHD too, as well as heart disease. But I didn't care, because I loved her more than myself even. And we wanted to spend forever with each other, and get married. My family loved her, and her family loved me. We would spend every holiday together, as well as most days.

It got to the point where I would be super anxious and depressed if I didn't get to see her that day, and worry about death and other things. But when I saw her, things were great. We had a pretty good relationship, minus the petty arguments over small things, where we would forget why we were arguing in the first place, and kiss and make up.

We dated for like a year and a half, and then I kind of got into smoking and selling marijuana to my friends. It only lasted about 2-3 months, but I feel like it made things snowball in our relationship. The weed affected me in a bad way, and I acted differently when I smoked it, even the next day. I was the perfect boyfriend for a long time, but my drug phase really messed things up. She always worried about my health too. But afterward it made me really against drugs, so it was also a good thing for me personally.

Anyway I said some things I didn't mean, and I was really insecure and paranoid about my relationship. I think we suffocated each other a little, even though we truly loved spending time together. We were a bit controlling of each other, and even went through each other's phones before. And she hated it when I watched porn, and I genuinely quit for her for a long time, but then I watched it again and lied about it.

Anyway we broke up at the end of this past summer, and I've been working on myself a lot. I've changed so much, and I feel like I'm not immature as I once used to be. And I'm not controlling. We were working on things apparently, on our relationship. But a week or so ago she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, but for sure loves and cares about me, and wants me in her life forever. But might not want a relationship. I felt kind of let down and a bit hurt because I felt like we were working on something since the summer, and I've been sacrificing a lot for her. And making myself a better person for her, and not doing things she doesn't like.

I just don't know what to do. I slacked off a bit on college, both intentionally and unintentionally. I stayed an extra year or so at community college to be with her, and to work on us. I had the time of my life these past 2.5 years. And now she says she might not want a romantic relationship, and I don't know what to do. Yeah I have a few friends still, who I'm pretty close with. But I feel like I gave up so many friends and things for her(as she did for me), but it would be worth it if it worked out. She has a lot more close friends than I do. A few years ago I found out my "close friends" said something messed up about my girlfriend, so I dropped them for being douchebags. But that's besides the point. I feel like I made her my whole life, and when we broke up my life was empty.

I guess my question is should I keep trying to be there for my girl, and hopefully she'll want to keep working on us? I just know what we had was so good, but then I went through a bad phase. Plus we are way more mature now, I feel like things could be better than ever now. But I know she's going through a lot, so I don't know what to do. I just don't want to lose her, I honestly love this girl in every way, and she's my best friend too.

Sorry this is so long, but it was just the bare minimum. I left out so many details, but I can add them if anyone needs additional info to answer my question. What should I do now?

I'm 20 by the way, almost 21. And she's 19 almost 20. Thanks ahead of time for reading and helping me, I just feel kind of lost in my life right now.

[rollie-pollie]

Hey so I read it and it makes me think of my relationship I have been with this guy for 2 years and he is like your girl and I like you but I truthfully say keep her close like keep working on you guys like if she loves you things will work out and I'm pretty sure she does and well I'm really not great at relationship advice but sometimes just being friends helps make things a lot better and maybe later on you can work to be together again I hope everythings works out