[J-MU]

My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, but seem to have suffered from some degree of bedroom intimacy issues for the last 5 or so. We have been together for 8 or so years and used to have a very healthy and happy love life. Over time her lebito has slowly worsened to the almost grinding hault we currently are experiencing. She has visited both Medical & Mental Doctors and even tried a prescription as a solution.

Our relationship is very strong otherwise, but the lack of intimacy is beginning to make me feel like her roommate and not her husband? SHe is very much an intravert and even though we have been together as long as we have she has trouble expressing herself to me and is often silent when I pour my heart out about the issue. I can't fix it for her and she is not a self-pusher when it comes to these items. I often ask her what we should do and months go by without any visible effort on her part. It feels like she is waiting for a miracle.

It is effecting us to the point where she is worried that she may not be in love with me any more and that is why she feels like this. I think that while that could be a possibility, I think that is a byproduct of our lack of intimacy. It just seems like an answer to a mystery that both of us and our doctors can't figure out. Without intimacy we will certainly grow further and further apart until we can't live like that any longer and split.

We do not currently have any children and aren't planning any until we figure out if this issue can be solved.

I truly love her and feel she is my soulmate. I know there isn't any magic solution, but does anyone have any suggestions?

[J-MU]

37 views and no replies? I thought this site was moderated by counseling professionals? Thanks for NOTHING people. THIS SITE SUCKS!

[casers]

The only reasons you are not receiving any replies is because 1: maybe they are interested in your story, but by the end of it, they don't know what to tell you only because they have never been in that kind of situation or maybe because they don't want to say the wrong things. 2: maybe they think that this is something that you should figure out on your own, or handle on your own, so don't get mad at us for not knowing what to do with your problem.

[rebeca]

J.M.
I think this is often a normal issue for women. I am very happy with my husband but my libedo has dropped off considerably since we've been married. There's something to be said about "the chase" for women, too. Keep in Mind, that I had a baby since we've been married and I often attribute it to that but judging from your story, it's not necessarily childbirth that does it. Is she under any unusual stress from work or family? Is she doing anything that is wearing her out physically or mentally? I know that my last son (I have an 11 year old and a 16 month old) is not a good sleeper and so I'm tired allot. Sometimes it can also be the monotiny (spelling?) of everyday life for example: when we're on a little mini vacation for three days just my husband and me, it's three times a day but when we're at home (in everyday life) it's once a week at best. Sometimes, it's just a matter of the lack of drive and as a woman, you just have to tell yourself that you are going to do it tonight... once you start, usually it's great... it's the initial drive that's tough. I find it to be more of a mental issue than anything. Remind her that the sex has nothing to do with the love. Intimacy is about much more than sex. Maybe if she had more "intimacy" she would have more of a drive... things like: do you kiss her passionatly when you AREN'T trying to have sex? Do you hold her and touch her (in a loving manor) without it always leading to sex? Things like that are very important. Sometimes women feel like the only time their husbands are "kissy" and "lovey" are when they "want some" (for lack of a better phrase)...
She shouldn't doubt her love because of this... remember that the newness and the giddyness wares off with anyone in time. LOVE and the RELATIONSHIP is about so much more.
Hope this helped at least a little... or at least let you know there's others out there with this issue.

[trulydiva]

I go through the same things with my husband. My libido has definitely dropped off, and it is frustrating for both of us. What she says about "just doing it" is so true, that is how I handle it, and as she says it is usually good once you get into it. But again what I am talking about here is sex, intimacy is so different, and I know that the sex is better when I am rested, and have had a chance to unwind, and feel connected with my husband. If we go out, and more often when we just hang out and watch movies and talk, I find that I am more in the mood. But if I am stressed out dealing with finances, kids, work, etc then the sex is more like a job. My husband is not affectionate outside of sex. I have to remind him often that I need that from him. Having to remind him frustrating too, but all people are not wired the same, he shows his affection for me in other ways and it took me a while to figure that out also. The bottm line for me is that marriage is work and as long as both are committed to doing the work then you know that the love is there, and that everything will be all right.

[Meb]

It is vital to your relationship that you are patient and compassionate with her feelings. I'm sure that if she had the choice to take a magic pill that would instantly transform her into a sex-kitten she would.

Hopefully after seeing doctors and maybe a little counseling she will gradually regain her interest in sex. Your patience and kindness will definitely pay off in the end.

Hang in there, I know it must be very hard.

[fredg]

37 views and no replies? I thought this site was moderated by counseling professionals? Thanks for NOTHING people. THIS SITE SUCKS!

Hi,
This site is NOT moderated by professionals, and the answers here are NOT always by professionals.
Your attitude is one of the "pits".
I can understand why you and your wife of less than 3 yrs are having problems.
You said "SHE has sought out professional help".
You did NOT say that both of you, at the same time, is seeking help together!
Marriage is a 2 person deal; get it? It takes 2 people to be married, and it takes 2 people to get a divorce. Your marriage is on the road to divorce; you just don't know it yet.
My advice?
Both of you, at the same time together, go see a Professional marriage counselor. Take a look at yourself, both of you look at each other at the same time, and stop pointing out all her faults.
You have to accept at least half the blame; you married her!
Get HELP, together.
Best of luck,
fredg

[kiwi_flame]

Hi,
This site is NOT moderated by professionals, and the answers here are NOT always by professionals.
Your attitude is one of the "pits".
I can understand why you and your wife of less than 3 yrs are having problems.
You said "SHE has sought out professional help".
You did NOT say that both of you, at the same time, is seeking help together!!
Marriage is a 2 person deal; get it? It takes 2 people to be married, and it takes 2 people to get a divorce. Your marriage is on the road to divorce; you just don't know it yet.
My advice?
Both of you, at the same time together, go see a Professional marriage counselor. Take a look at yourself, both of you look at each other at the same time, and stop pointing out all her faults.
You have to accept at least half the blame; you married her!!
Get HELP, together.
Best of luck,
fredg

Well said.. Could not of said it in a nicer way!. Good luck

[skinnyhorseideas]

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for over 19 years. We had the "intimacy" or "sex", problem right after our first kid was born. I don't know why this happens, I guess it might be Nature's way of forcing us to get to know each other deeper than sex.

The problem went on for years, well after our second child was born and it caused major issues. The frustration from it leaked into all areas of our relationship. Things were real bad and we even separated for a while.

The results: I felt un-loved and so did she. Neither one of us were getting what we needed.

Then we found a book that explained something to us that changed everything. This book explained "Love Needs", and how the love needs for men and women are different.

Men express their love through physical touch and women express theirs through talking, romance and connecting. Just as trulydiva has pointed out, it is better for her when she feels connected to her husband.

This is key. This is what we found to be missing. It was when I, the husband began to see that I was not connecting with my wife the way she needed me to.

You see, I had been blaming her for all of the problems we were having and it was not until I began to change the way I thought and acted, that things began to change for the better.

I began to romance her again, talk to her as a friend and, yes, I even began, hold on to your hats, "To Listen To Her". Then the miracle happened, she wanted me again. :D

One of the biggest issues I had to overcome as the husband was my "Pride". I was full of bitterness and resentment at first so I had trouble wanting to connect with her again. I thought, "why should I have to change first?". Well, plain and simple, someone has to go first.

Sorry this is so long. Here is the bottom line:

Men and women express and feel love differently. In order for there to be harmony in a marriage both people must have their love needs met.

The Husband must learn about his wife's needs and provide her with them. When she feels loved and connected, she reciprocates by providing her Husband with what he needs. This how it works and it doesn't do us any good to get mad about. We just need to live it.

My advice is this: Husbands love your wives, romance them, talk to them and connect with them. This will cut right through the intimacy problems with her. Wives remember that your husband isn't just a "horndog", it is how he feels loved and accepted.

Marriage is about unconditional love. Sometimes love is a choice and will not be filled with the warm fuzzies that you got when you were dating or newly married. So choose to make the needed changes with yourself and leave your pride at the door. It has no place in marriage.

To your successful and loving marriage,