[Confused2684]

Hi,
I know some may get upset my question, but please I am asking for insight. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 4 months. He recently moved in two months ago... and here goes the issue, since we met I knew he smoked but he said he wanted to quit soon and that he had previously quit years ago. He was a marine so I thought.. ok this must be a man of his words. Well then in January, we had an issue where he lied about being in the hospital. He got really tight chest pains and ended in the hospital but decided to tell me he was at work not to worry me. I believe this is true because I had his co-workers sending me FB messages saying he hadn't reported to work and they were worried. SO when he finally told me he was in the ER and was afraid of worrying me.. bc I suffer from depression.. I was so upset at the fact that he lied that I told him I wanted to break up with him.. He cried and begged me not to and said he even had a surprise in mind, which was that he was quitting in a week as he had been cutting down the smoking because he knew I don't like it.. Well, since then he never quit. He always said he was stressed and it hard but that they day he moved in with me he will quit. So end of May came around and he had some issues at home and asked me if he can move in with me. I wasn't sure and I told him he was not going to be able to quit the smoking and our agreement was he will when he moved in, He promised he was going to be able to quit. He tried and failed and failed. Then he finally went two weeks without it, but the minute we argued he went straight to smoke. After that I offered to get him the patch and he agreed. Only for me to find out yesterday that he's been smoking since.. for the past month and 2 weeks about it. I've asked him over and over not to lie to me and finally yesterday because I told him I saw him smoking he broke down and finally told me he's afraid and he was afraid of telling me the truth. He admitted he's been lying about it and when I've questioned him about matches I found he said I was right. That he did smoke. He kept saying he is stupid and dumb and has been lying to me. He asked me to forgive him and said he is really afraid because he doesn't think he could quit. He said he need help. SO after like an hour of both crying and him telling me all the truth, he begged me to stay with him but that he doesn't know what to do about smoking. SO I decided to tell him I will stay with him and that maybe he can smoke during work. I asked him how many did he think he needed and he said 4 to 5. So I said start with 5 a day for 2 weeks, then 4 for 2 weeks and so on until your down to 1. And he is wearing half the patch. Now, I find out because I asked him to show me his statements because he had previously offered to lend me his card so I can take some money for something like he's always done but now suddenly he changed his mind, I find out he was lying and has been buying packs throughout the week but tellimg me he is smoking only 5 a day. Then also, he agreed he wouldn't watch porn and I didn't even ask him but he told me he will stop because it bothers me, then I find on his phone history that he just watched it 2 days ago.. My problem is I am so hurt and confused and I ask if I shouldn't of forgiven him. Did I do the right thing? I am so afraid he will keep lying to me in the long run about bugger things and that he will never quit. I am desperate.. Please give me any insight you may have...

[LearningAsIGo]

Smoking and pornography are both addictions that aren't easily given up. It wasn't right of him to lie, but you were right to forgive him.

It's up to you to decide how many time you want to forgive him and how long you are willing to be patient with him.
It's understandable that you would not want these things in your life, or his, but he won't be able to give up quickly.

Partly, he has to make up his mind to do it for himself, or he won't be successful. Since he's been hiding it from you, it doesn't sound like he's ready to quit.

My husband tried to quit smoking when I did several years ago, but as it turns out, he wasn't successful and began to hide it from me. Eventually, I found out and it hurt me. Not because he smoked but because he had lied to me. He simply thought he was "protecting me". I let him know that trust is much more important to me than smoking. After that, it didn't take long for him to decide HE was ready to quit and though it was hard, he did it.

[mmresd]

Seems like he has trouble telling you the truth about things. If you are bothered about the things you have found out, you are going to have trouble with the things you haven't found out about yet, unless you are OK with that, I would suggest ending this relationship. He won't stop, it seems to be in his nature.

[Confused2684]

Thank you. I do agree that both are bad addictions. However, I don't really think he is addicted to porn, or at least I hope he is not as he doesn't watch this daily, he said 2 to 3 times a week to build stamina which sounds weird to me but he explained he feel somewhat small in that department and pratices the squeeze/pinch method to increase stamina and he cannot get a hard on just by thinking about it so he needs porn to get it started. I fount it was weird but don't know what else to think of it as most guys watch porn.

However, it does frighten me if it is an addiction, but the worse thing to me is the lying about those things. Like you said, the lie hurts the most. I wonder what else he will lie about. In your case, did you find him lying about bigger things after that? I can deal with csmoking addiction, however I cannot deal with porn addiction or the lying :(