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super32 · Jul 31, 2012, 05:56 AM

My boyfriend has been honest about a lot of things like ex's, issues in past etc but when I was talking with his mum the other day she was dragging his past girlfriends up and trying to put me off him. She also said that she thought that he'd used drugs before.. I know a lot but should I tell him what she is saying behind his back? She told me not to tell him as they have had fall outs before, he has told me before she is controlling and I'm not sure who I should be listening to!!

JudyKayTee · Jul 31, 2012, 05:59 AM

Originally Posted by super32

My boyfriend has been honest about a lot of things like ex's, issues in past etc but when I was talking with his mum the other day she was dragging his past girlfriends up and trying to put me off him. She also said that she thought that he'd used drugs before.. I know a lot but should I tell him what she is saying behind his back?? She told me not to tell him as they have had fall outs before, he has told me before she is controlling and I'm not sure who I should be listening to!!!

I wouldn't carry tales back and forth. I'd either listen and be respectful or respectfully say I'd like to find out for myself (depending on your age). I went through this with the daughter of someone I was dating - she wouldn't say a civil word about her father behind his back.

To his face she was loving and smiling.

I finally told her I didn't want to hear it. Of course, then she turned on me and filled his head with nonsense.

No easy answer.

maddy6 · Jul 31, 2012, 06:09 AM

It sounds like your boyfriend is correct about his mother being controlling. It also sounds like he is respectful enough of her to leave it at that. I would distance yourself from these conversations with her. She sounds like she is attempting to dramatize his past to gain your attention and become involved in your relationship with your boyfriend. Only listen to him and turn a deaf ear to her. Let her know you have an open and honest relationship with him. She is trying to drive a wedge between you because she is controlling as your boyfriend already told you. Show her respect, BUT under no circumstances confide in her, or say a single negative thing about your boyfriend. Keep you mouth SHUT. The minute you do otherwise, she perhaps will then run to him with tales about you. Give this controlling woman no information whatsoever so she cannot gain a toehold into your relationship with her son.

super32 · Jul 31, 2012, 06:15 AM

Originally Posted by maddy6

It sounds like your boyfriend is correct about his mother being controlling. It also sounds like he is respectful enough of her to leave it at that. I would distance yourself from these conversations with her. She sounds like she is attempting to dramatize his past to gain your attention and become involved in your relationship with your boyfriend. Only listen to him and turn a deaf ear to her. Let her know you have an open and honest relationship with him. She is trying to drive a wedge between you because she is controlling as your boyfriend already told you. Show her respect, BUT under no circumstances confide in her, or say a single negative thing about your boyfriend. Keep you mouth SHUT. The minute you do otherwise, she perhaps will then run to him with tales about you. Give this controlling woman no information whatsoever so she cannot gain a toehold into your relationship with her son.

Sounds about right. He has told me a lot about his past, though I do have my suspicions that he has dabbled. Should I be honest and tell him what she has said? Or leave it at that you think

super32 · Jul 31, 2012, 06:31 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I wouldn't carry tales back and forth. I'd either listen and be respectful or respectfully say I'd like to find out for myself (depending on your age). I went through this with the daughter of someone I was dating - she wouldn't say a civil word about her father behind his back.

To his face she was loving and smiling.

I finally told her I didn't want to hear it. Of course, then she turned on me and filled his head with nonsense.

No easy answer.

There isn't is there. I know if he found out that I didn't tell him then he'd think I was being disrespectful to him, but no. If other foot I don't want to
Cause a family argument. Thank you

maddy6 · Jul 31, 2012, 06:31 AM

If you feel he has been honest and are satisfied, I would leave it at that. Perhaps he has some things in his past he may not be proud of, or perhaps your relationship has not grown enough just yet for him to have further confided in you. If you value the relationship with your boyfriend and want it to work, then do not get sucked in by his mother. Besides, why would a mother be informing you of negative things about her son? Her only motive would be to cause problems, drama, and perhaps split up the relationship. Distance yourself from conversations with her. Remain utterly, completely loyal to your boyfriend when around this woman. Give her no information concerning your relationship with her son. She does not sound like a good mother to him, so why would she be a good friend to you?

maddy6 · Jul 31, 2012, 06:40 AM

Also, about what you said to Super32 about being concerned that he will be upset if you do not tell him... I would exercise "caution." The meddling mother gains her toe hold in when you tell him. I would suggest to first attempt to "play dumb," and stay out of it completely. When the meddling mother discovers she cannot stir any drama with you she may stop. If keeping quiet doesn't work for whatever reason, or you are uncomfortable with that, you might confide what's going on to your boyfriend. However, make sure he understands you are taking this seriously and you would not be disloyal to him. Make sure he fully understands you are being completely honest. Because when he goes back to his meddling mother, SHE will then have her avenue in to speak to him and claim you said things about him you did not say. She will turn it on you and claim you went to her to talk about him. He will not know who to believe and after all she IS his mother. No... I strongly suggest to stand back from this and keep your mouth totally shut. This lady is attempting to manipulate you. Anyway, that is mho. But maybe I have helped you to think of the possible issues taking place?

super32 · Jul 31, 2012, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by maddy6

Also, about what you said to Super32 about being concerned that he will be upset if you do not tell him......I would exercise "caution." The meddling mother gains her toe hold in when you tell him. I would suggest to first attempt to "play dumb," and stay out of it completely. When the meddling mother discovers she cannot stir any drama with you she may stop. If keeping quiet doesn't work for whatever reason, or you are uncomfortable with that, you might confide what's going on to your boyfriend. However, make sure he understands you are taking this seriously and you would not be disloyal to him. Make sure he fully understands you are being completely honest. Because when he goes back to his meddling mother, SHE will then have her avenue in to speak to him and claim you said things about him you did not say. She will turn it on you and claim you went to her to talk about him. He will not know who to believe and after all she IS his mother. No.......I strongly suggest to stand back from this and keep your mouth totally shut. This lady is attempting to manipulate you. Anyway, that is mho. But maybe I have helped you to think of the possible issues taking place?

Yes you have thank you

JudyKayTee · Jul 31, 2012, 09:02 AM

Originally Posted by super32

There isn't is there. I know if he found out that I didn't tell him then he'd think I was being disrespectful to him, but no. If other foot I dont want to
Cause a family argument. Thank you

If you know he would consider you to be disrespectful if you don't tell him what his mother said, then you have no choice.

Either disrespect him or don't.

She denies it - he gets to pick between you.