[jgeyer]

Recently my ex of a definite few days, but she was on the fence for a couple of weeks just broke up with me after 4 years. Reason being, she just wasn't as happy as we used to be. You see I have that jealousy problem, not dramatically but enough to make her feel guilty and not do something, I always saw the negative in things: example.. if we were going out and I picked her up and she had her glasses on, I would say - "Why aren't you wearing your contacts" - just made her feel not special..

I have apologized, a lot, for hurting her, and I do honestly mean it - and I know that if I loved her I wouldn’t have done those things. But you see, I got too comfortable with her, she would be mad, but then the next day, she would be fine and act like nothing was bothering her.. that was her fault. So I kept on doing things like that. She would tell me that I had certain things about me that she didn’t like, I said, I’ll change but I never actually thought I had to so I never really did. Now that we've been apart I have changed, I know its early and yada yada yada but I really have, things that have nothing to do with her that have made me a better person. So all in all, she broke up with me because she didn't want to feel guilty about too many stupid little things anymore.

Another thing was the fact that when she said she wanted to do something, I always got defensive and wanted her to spend the time with me. She would give in and make me happy before herself. Bad on her part but I should have just said, go ahead, I'll see you tomorrow... but that was another thing. She would get all mad and not go, then the next day, she'd be fine. So the other reason why she broke up with me was because she wanted to be able to go and do what she wanted and with whom ever she wanted. Not having to chose between me, family or friends. Understandable... but I told her that she can do those things now, as long as do get to see her. I want to make her happy with me, so if I can do things for her like she did for me, we would both be happy. I told her that I'm thinking about things now, and realize what I was doing wrong.

She said, I don't think you should have to change in order to make the relationship work. I said I'm not changing, I'm being myself. But... in her eyes it was too late and she said, "I just don't think I have one more chance to give". It killed me and it hurt her to say it too.

What I'm asking is if she can see that I've changed down the road will she come back. She says she still loves me, as a friend, but people can fall in and out of love. Also, what can I do to get her back now.

She was my first sexual experience and who I was going to marry. We named our potential kids and everything. We were happy for 90% of the 4 years we were together. I feel that my life has gone right out the window and that she's not anywhere near as upset as I am. And of course, I can't imagine myself or her with anyone else... whether its going to the zoo, holding hands or making love. I can't fathom those things.

[Capuchin]

Ahhhh, the best girl in the world, I knew her once.

You need to start no contact, you need to give yourself time to heal. You need to realise that she will only come back when you have moved on, REALLY moved on.
If you hurt her then you have to live with your actions, you also have to live with her decision.
Don't contact her, get on with your life and in time it will heal. Learn to love others. Maybe you will find another best girl in the world.

I wish you the best of luck.

[jgeyer]

So your saying if I act as if I move on or really move on, she may want me back... It's hard to act like a moved on when I want her more than anything... she's more a part of my life than anyone in my family... you've heard these stories before, but when I tell you this one is different... I mean it... its different

[Capuchin]

No, not act as if you've moved on, you need to move on. She's not as much of a part of your life as you want her to be any more, she made that clear by breaking up with you.

You need to tell her that you can't be just friends with her, and you need time to work on yourself. And you need to go out and work on yourself.

[jgeyer]

Then maybe she'll come back? I can only hope she will... I know its only been 3 weeks since we broke up, but about 1, officially... I've changed things already that have nothing to do with her and I, but that better myself... you know... my attitude toward certain things, and my reaction to certain things... but those are things she can't see... I want to move on and get better but I want her...

[Capuchin]

You can't better yourself with the intention of getting her back. You must better yourself for you, for all the other wonderful people you will meet throughout your life. You must realise that she is not everything.

I understand you have a strong emotional tie to her, but you must do your best to break this. How will you feel if she never comes back, she gets a new guy, they end up getting married and having kids, and you're still stuck waiting for her to come back to you?
That is not a very clever way to live your life.

You need to get her out of your head, and the best way to do that is to get her out of your life. Move on and find other things, other people, there are plenty out there.

[JakM2007]

recently my ex of a definite few days, but she was on the fence for a couple of weeks just broke up with me after 4 years. Reason being, she just wasn't as happy as we used to be. You see I have that jealousy problem, not dramatically but enough to make her feel guilty and not do something, I always saw the negative in things: example..if we were going out and I picked her up and she had her glasses on, I would say - "Why aren't you wearing your contacts" - just made her feel not special..

I have apologized, a lot, for hurting her, and I do honestly mean it - and I know that if I loved her I wouldn’t have done those things. But you see, I got too comfortable with her, she would be mad, but then the next day, she would be fine and act like nothing was bothering her..that was her fault. so I kept on doing things like that. She would tell me that I had certain things about me that she didn’t like, I said, I’ll change but I never actually thought I had to so I never really did. Now that we've been apart I have changed, I know its early and yada yada yada but I really have, things that have nothing to do with her that have made me a better person. So all in all, she broke up with me because she didnt want to feel guilty about too many stupid little things anymore.

Another thing was the fact that when she said she wanted to do something, I always got defensive and wanted her to spend the time with me. She would give in and make me happy before herself. Bad on her part but I should have just said, go ahead, I'll see you tomorrow...but that was another thing. She would get all mad and not go, then the next day, she'd be fine. So the other reason why she broke up with me was because she wanted to be able to go and do what she wanted and with whom ever she wanted. Not having to chose between me, family or friends. Understandable...but i told her that she can do those things now, as long as do get to see her. I want to make her happy with me, so if i can do things for her like she did for me, we would both be happy. I told her that I'm thinking about things now, and realize what I was doing wrong.

She said, I don't think you should have to change in order to make the relationship work. I said I'm not changing, im being myself. But...in her eyes it was too late and she said, "I just don't think I have one more chance to give". It killed me and it hurt her to say it too.

What I'm asking is if she can see that i've changed down the road will she come back. She says she still loves me, as a friend, but peolpe can fall in and out of love. Also, what can I do to get her back now.

She was my first sexual experience and who I was going to marry. We named our potential kids and everything. We were happy for 90% of the 4 years we were together. I feel that my life has gone right out the window and that she's not anywhere near as upset as I am. And of course, I can't imagine myself or her with anyone else...whether its going to the zoo, holding hands or making love. I can't fathom those things.

Ive got the same problem mate, everything is always negative to me an that a small reason why I broke up with my girlfriend. Were still friends though an love each other. Stay friends with her and you will probably find that you will appreciate her a lot more. Hope things go well for you.

[Capuchin]

Ive got the same problem mate, everything is always negative to me an that a small reason why i jus broke up with my girlfriend. Were still friends tho an love each other. Stay friends with her and you will probaly find that you will appreciate her alot more. Hope things go well for ya.

I advise some caution with this. If you think you can be friends and just friends, then okay, but if you can't do that (and it doesn't sound like you can), then you need to drop it. (for the reasons I stated in my post above, what if she moves on?)

[Nosnosna]

Either she comes back or she doesn't. At this point, you have no control or influence over that.

You have a choice: You can either try to fix what's wrong with you (and no, you haven't changed. Knowing that something is wrong and deciding to change it is a far, far cry from actually getting through that particular part of personal growth. Real change takes time and work, not an intellectual decision... logic has little effect over what we do naturally), or you can continue to pursue her, and base your life going forward around her, even though you're no longer together.

The former of those is the good choice. No matter what happens, you'll be a better person for it. Either you'll end up with the girl again, and you'll have a much better relationship, or you'll go your separate ways, and you'll take this lesson with you into your next relationship(s). The latter is a poor choice... you'll end up the obsessive ex, living your life in the past, bitter and angry over this for years, or you'll get back together, and then be right back here when she sees how you haven't changed.

[RubyPitbull]

Sorry Capuchin, have to spread the love.

jgeyer, what Capuchin and Nosnosna have written here is very good advice. If you still aren't sure, reread very slowly what both have said here. You cannot change yourself in a matter of days or weeks.

You wrote:" ....i've changed things already that have nothing to do with her and I"
So what you seem to be saying here is that you haven't even attempted to try to work on the problems that affected your relationship with her. How can you possibly expect her to want to come back to you if you don't make any attempts to work on bettering yourself?

You made some statements in your original post: "But you see, I got too comfortable with her, she would be mad, but then the next day, she would be fine and act like nothing was bothering her..that was her fault. so I kept on doing things like that. She would tell me that I had certain things about me that she didn't like, I said, I'll change but I never actually thought I had to so I never really did. Now that we've been apart I have changed, I know its early and yada yada yada but I really have, things that have nothing to do with her that have made me a better person. So all in all, she broke up with me because she didnt want to feel guilty about too many stupid little things anymore."

Reread what you have written. She didn't feel guilty. She assumed that when she spoke to you about her problems with your behavior, you would listen and make an attempt, which is why, the following day, she seemed okay with it. This is not her fault as you seem to think. You have to understand and accept the responsibility of your actions before you can make any attempt to reconcile. You assumed that she let it pass. This happened over and over again. She finally had enough of the talking, and broke up with you. End of story.

Whether it is your now EX-girlfriend, or someone else in the future, you will continue to have relationship problems if you don't understand or accept the responsibility of your actions. You took her for granted. You just assumed she would always be there.

I would strongly suggest that you look for a therapist or counselor to help you understand what you did wrong, and what you need to do to make sure that you do not make the same mistakes again. Until you do, there is nothing that you will be able to say or do that will win her back. You need to leave her alone and work on how you interact with others and learn how to be more sensitive to other's needs.

[koki22]

Hey amn I understand you. You are a nice person. I know u're hurting but don't worry. Every f'''' single person does mistakes. She was weak enough to let you go. Someone who loves you will sacrifice everything but everything.

Where does she find the courage to let you go like that even after u've aplogized? Im telling you brother, she's got plans!! She must be thinking about some back up guys. Focus on this right here! What the heck how can she think of this? Y can't u?

She got something on her mind that is going to get through this since she's strong enough to refuse you for a second chance. It's bull**** bro! Stop longin. Two eternal lovers love each other till death and not think about others