[CityofHistory]

Hello, and first of all, I’d like to thank anyone who has taken the time to read or answer to this post. I am incredibly appreciative.

My problem is as such:

I have been dating a woman for the last two years. We’re both the same age (I just graduated college last year), and have been living together for eight months. However, other than the first four months of our relationship, we have not been intimate with each other very frequently.

If I’m “lucky”, we have sex once every two months. I’ve gone through several phases of dealing with this problem; generally speaking, she is perfectly happy to continue the current state of quasi-abstinence.

I’ve tried talking about it with her (usually about once a month), but she always gets annoyed and has refused to talk about it. I’ve also tried just “letting her be” for a couple months (not trying to pressure into anything), but also to no avail. I think she understands in a loose sense how important a healthy sexual relationship is for me; however, it just doesn’t seem to “click”. I don’t think she’s been taking anything that may be affecting her hormones.

To cope with it, I've kind of adopted this "just the price of being a man" mentality, which isn't really rewarding.

However, there are a few problems worth mentioning: she’s quick to anger, and can explode violently (I’m a bit more laid back); she’s a bit of a drinker (I’ve got her to come down a bit, but she’s still drinks “heavily” at least three times a week); when she drinks, she pees the bed (so she sleeps on the couch when she’s drunk). We have maintained very different circles of friends despite the closeness of our relationship.

We have the same sense of humor, but overall we have opposite personalities; however, we’ve made it work for a long time now. I love her very much, and I think I’ve been incredibly fortunate to know her. Neither of us would consider being dishonest or unfaithful with one another; and she generally has an exceptional personality.

Am I being unreasonable in wishing for a more intimate relationship (even once a week would be great)? I don’t feel this should be a factor in “breaking up”, but I’m at a loss; I have difficulty judging how happy I truly am with her because of it. Since we’ve lived together, I get the sense she’s “dependent” on a lot of my material goods, and I would feel bad if I moved out (even if it were for the better).

We both think that marriage is out of the question (as well as given our youth, even if these problems didn’t exist). If there is a solution, what could it be?

[manimuth]

Dear City,
Since you said you love her very much and that it is important that you stay together despite your differences, I believe that this issue needs to be addressed. You are obviously unsatisfied with an important part of your relationship and "letting her be" is not wise. Try to find a moment or a time that you can sit down and talk to her about how you feel. I cannot tell from your post WHY she is not interested in having sex more often: it can be the alcohol or it can be a varitey of other reasons. But, the point is, since this relationship is important to you, I believe you should address it and try to find out why. THEN you can start finding a solution to your problem.
You've said that she refuses to talk about it. How do you approach her with the subject? If you let her know that this is a matter that is bothering you (that it is more than just about having sex) and needs to be addressed, would she still refuse to at least start a conversation with you? Good luck.

[letmetellu]

Your Quote: We both think that marriage is out of the question (as well as given our youth, even if these problems didn't' exist). If there is a solution, what could it be?

I think you answered your own question, if you want to keep living in this situation, that is up to you but do not expect her to change. Some females just do not have a sex drive and you can not make them have one (permanently) something might happen or someone new might come along and she might develop a sex drive for a while but it will soon go back to the way she is now. If you can not live the rest of your life in sexual limbo then I would end the relationship for your well being as well as hers.

[Nosnosna]

I'd say that you're in a losing situation.

One aspect of any relationship is physical compatibility, and that includes the issue of 'how often.' If you have wildly different expectations on that front, then you have very serious issues to work through, and you both have to be willing to compromise. Unfortunately, the sex drive isn't something you can force or downplay to any extent and expect success.

I'm more concerned with her alcohol problem actually. Nothing will get better until that gets addressed. If she's not willing to address it, then get out. Fast. Encourage her to get help... AA or another support group, therapy, anything, but don't get wrapped up in it yourself... you're not a good person to be involved in that, for a variety of reasons.

[nadyatk]

I totally agree with Nosnosna + if she is that short tempered that you can't talk to each other about things that matter then this shows her attitude towards your relationship.

Tell her that you are there for her if she's willing to change her attitude and her drinking habits (because I believe it's annoying for you) but would consider a break-up if she's not willing to cooperate then make your own decision and choose the less evil.

Good luck

[smoothy]

Its time to wake up and smell the coffee. I've been married for 15 years, almost 16 and we still go at it 4 out of 5 days. Not fighting but sex. Oh we have our fights, several a month in fact. But look at it this way. Its not going to get better. If you married it would only get worse not better. Not easy since you are used to her being there for what that's worth. But better to see it for what it is. I would see that as grounds for a divorce if it was my wife acting like that.

[nadyatk]

I was very touched by your storry and I spoke to my boyfriend about it- he's had serious problems with alcohol before but for years now he hasn't touched alcohol. So he said that if she's gets' to the state to wet the bed so often, she does have an alcohol adiction and she probably drinks heavily on a daily basis- so you might be seeing only the top of the iceberg.
I think that that is much greater of a problem than the lack of sex. The fact that she wouldn't talk to you calmly is as well. She sounds like a very selfish and egocentric person to me.

[shrewd26f]

Hi, City!
Guess what, we're almost in the same situation. The difference is that we don't live together but we're steady for 2 years now. And I am a woman! Im getting paranoid if he's cheating or whatsoever because we haven't had it since October. What do u think, guys?

[MichyMichelle]

Relationships are about compromise, but by the sound of it- you've been doing all the compromising! Try to communicate with her and if she gets quick tempered about something like this- imagine how hard it'll be to bring up any problem down the road. Let her know you're there for her, but she needs to put effort into the relationship too!
If she does as she pleases while you suffer, it doesn't sound like she cares as much as you do about the relationship. She may have an exceptional personality, but so do many other women- women worthy of your attention, too.
Try to work it out, BUT- don't get into a denial if it truly is going sour. The longer you hold off the harder it'll be to finally leave.
Plus, sometimes people need a shocker in order to start prioritizing things correctly, perhaps if all else fails and you do leave her- she may realize just how serious it is with her attitude and habits.