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phoenix1664 · Feb 5, 2007, 06:07 AM

Hi well I am 19 and have just split up from a 19 month relationship and I have had conflicting advice about what to do, I still love her and I don't know how she feels as she won't tell me can anyone give me advice on what to do please thank you if you can.

Mat

valinors_sorrow · Feb 5, 2007, 06:16 AM

With the few details you have provided, I would suggest that you accept that it is over and let the grieving process for this loss begin. I know there are people who will suggest that there is a way to win an ex back but whenever I press them for details in their lives, it seems they are not with that ex anymore. Either their plan didn't worlk or it did but they broke up again. The one time I took someone I broke up with back proved to be a mistake so I didn't do that again. It takes two very courageous and committed people to repair a relationship gone that wrong. What I learned is that most people don't have the fortitude and self-honesty to correct what went wrong, especially when it involves an indepth look at self. For one partner, that kind of hard work will be very hindered because in their mind its far too easy just to switch partners. I am sorry for your loss.

paranoid_com · Feb 5, 2007, 06:16 AM

It depends on why and how it ended for starters! If it ended nastily then the advice needed to be given could differ from if it ended OK. You really need to think about what you want... obviously you are bound to still love her, you went out with her for 19months, but you have to consider what's best for you both. You need to think why it ended? Could it still work? What is best? You need to talk to her and ask her how she feels? If she doesn't want to talk then perhaps give her a cooling off period, leave it for a few days/week and see if she decides to get in touch with you. You ae going to have to compromise or come up with a decision but not from one person, it MUST involve both of you. PM me in you need anymore help!

phoenix1664 · Feb 5, 2007, 06:23 AM

Well to fill in the blank the split up was just after new year at her house where she said we are better as friends I must say until then I never thought of myself as a crying person but you never really now yourself do you, I don't think the split up was nasty at all I understand that she has a life to live to but letting go of the person you love is harder than I ever expected and whenever I tell her this she just sez I am being daft and I will find someone. By the way thanks for the quick replies

chuff · Feb 5, 2007, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by phoenix1664

she said we are better as friends

Originally Posted by phoenix1664

whenever I tell her this she just sez I am being daft and I will find someone. By the way thanks for the quick replies

By those two above quotes I believe that she after the initial butterflies wore off she just saw you as another one of her girlfriends and not as boyfriend material. By that I mean you probably talk to her and treat her just like anyone of her girlfriends would. You probably talk several times a day and are always available. She's become so accustomed to you that she just associates you as one of the friends.

If she calls you again, tell her that you agree with her and your now going to respect her wishes. Then end the phone call. Don't talk to her like one of her friends. Then don't have any contact with her. Is it going to suck. Yeah it is. There is no getting around it. But you have to do it to move forward. You can't be a hanger on hoping she's going to wake up and relize that she made a mistake. By doing that your only going to prove to her she made the right choice. Good Luck and let us know how it's going.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2007, 07:53 AM

You may of just found out how she feels, but she has been thinking about this for quite a while so accept that things have changed, and do the things you enjoy without her, and as hard as it will be, you will feel better by moving on and leaving her alone. It will take a while but as you build your life you'll be able to find happiness again.

phoenix1664 · Feb 5, 2007, 08:52 AM

Can I ask a question everyone I have spoken to has said the same thing to move on and forget her but here is the question how hard do you think it is to remain friends at the least.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2007, 08:58 AM

Until you can heal and get to a healthy place and deal with the feelings, IMPOSSIBLE right now but maybe down the road. And that is a big MAYBE and far down the road.

chuff · Feb 5, 2007, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by phoenix1664

Can i ask a question everyone i have spoken to has sed the same thing to move on and forget her but here is the question how hard do you think it is to remain friends at the least.

I think it will be impossible to remain friends.

Your in deep emotional pain right now. The problem is your confused and looking for answers and she seems like the logical choice to find those answers even if she just wants to be friends. But what happens is that if you stay near her you begin to hold onto false hope and you start taking things she says and turning them around to mean things they don't. Trust me, I've been there and it actually makes things a lot worse.

You've got to treat this like a death. You've got to remove everything about her so that your emotions settle down and you can bring focus back to yourself.

phoenix1664 · Feb 5, 2007, 09:09 AM

Thank you all you have given me some perspective and allot to think about.

ComradeVISIXVI · Feb 5, 2007, 09:17 AM

Listen. I don't know what the rest of the posters said, I didn't read them by choice. Listening to people talk and give advice in relationships usually pisses me off.

THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: There is nothing that is going to make it feel any better, And There is nothing you can do to change the mind or heart of the other person.

That's it. You can't change her, and you can't stop the pain by getting her back, therefore it is in youtr best interest to start learning the psychologybehind human interaction and start a process whereby you can more easily direct your future relationships.

The future, not the past!

P.S. If she has wronged you and you are bitter read "The Four Agreememnts"
Good day

valinors_sorrow · Feb 5, 2007, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by phoenix1664

Can i ask a question everyone i have spoken to has sed the same thing to move on and forget her but here is the question how hard do you think it is to remain friends at the least.

Ex's as friends are a bad idea. Don't part bitter but do part. Its for everyone's benefit-- yours, hers, future romantic interests of either of you, etc. Too messy otherwise.