[Bill54321]

Hey, Bill here. I met a girl about 2 years ago and we have been good friends since. We don't see one another "a lot" but once and a while.

She has a boyfriend of about 3 yrs. When we do see each other, we talk forever and it never seems like either of us wants to go our separate ways when it is time to depart.

She complains about him to me and they obviously do not have the most healthy relationship. She and I have much more in common than in her current relationship.

He knows of me and I know of him, but I know she keeps our friendship "hush, hush" to him. She says he gets very jelous. When she talks of him negatively I listen, but try not to comment too much.

I noticed when he calls her he is always trying to get money out of her. He doesn't work, etc. She constantly tells me "I'm going to give him ... until we break up."

Is she trying to convey something to me? What exactly is it? This has been mentioned on almost every occasion we meet. I can tell we both feel strongly for one another, and I think about her 24/7.

She also tells me he doesn't allow her to go out with friends and he and she never goes "out" much. Hopefully we get together eventually.

I need some input on what to do. Ride out the storm, tell her how I feel? She seems to be very open toward me, indirectly, on how she feels about "us," hinting around a lot... giving me facial expressions, laughs, and stuff out of the ordinary. It is a wonderful feeling we have together, but I don't know what to do. This is driving me nuts and I don't know what's the most appropriate thing to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks, Bill

Update: I added some more info about this situation in the "answer" section. Thanks, Bill.

[poseidon]

Hi Bill,

I believe it is time for 'cards on the table'. Tell her how you feel and find out if she feels the same.

If she does (and I have a feeling she may), the more quick she ends the relationship with the other guy the better. Even if she does not feel the same for you as you do for her, I still feel her current relationship with this other guy is going nowhere and the sooner she gets out of it the better.

I am wondering why she is still with him. Is she afraid to end the relationship because of how he will react or what he may do?

I feel it is important that she knows 'officially' how much you care and for you to know how much she cares for you. It is quite possible that she feels the same and is waiting for you to tell her your true feelings.

Even if her feelings are not the same, there is no reason for your current friendship to suffer and you can be there for her. Of course things can change, especially when she finally finishes with this other guy. I feel it is only a matter of time before this happens.

Good luck and happiness.

John
(Poseidon)

[valinors_sorrow]

When you are so aware and involved with the drama of her current relationship, you run a really big risk when offering to step into the boyfriend's shoes. She is one half of an unhealthy relationship by your own description and I want you to stop and really think about that. Stop seeing her as such a victim of him. She is an adult with choices here.

There is a pretty high probability that if you two get together and it hits a rough patch (and it will, we all do) that all the "notes" you took now will really complicate the bejesus out of it. Ask yourself if you really think that her boyfriend is the only problem in it. You are only hearing one side of it, you know? Ask yourself what happens when the two of you fight as a couple and you see evidence that she is confiding in another male friend-- how will you feel then? And please don't tell me she won't do that or I really will wonder if you're our newest turnip that fell off the proverbial truck, okay? LOL And where are her girlfriends, especially to do all her confiding in? If she lacks girlfriends, then I really would take a pass on this, really. You only need ask any woman what the ladies who have no female friends are like (unless, of course, she is one herself LOL).

I don't mean to seem so critical but this has some clear red flags in it. I hope I have given you enough of a big picture for you to give it fair consideration. Your head is reeling because you are so caught up in all her drama. Step back, dude and take a breath. Think.

[RubyPitbull]

Please reread what Valinors wrote. She has brought up some very valid concerns.

This girl may be someone who cannot/does not/will not be alone and jumps from one man to another. She needs to be in a relationship for her to feel "complete." She is feeling you out and giving you signals. She wants you to be the next one and as soon as you tell her, "dump him, I am here for you" she will do just that. She will latch on and maybe initially it will be nice for you but this girl has some emotional issues that she needs to deal with before she is ready for a real relationship. You are most definitely only hearing one side of the story. She is manipulating you into a relationship with her. What kind of guy is this boyfriend of hers? Is he big and strong? Does he have a bad temper? What if he comes after you?

I suspect that she is looking for a reason to break up with him. She may be afraid of his temper. I don't know. If she truly is afraid of his temper, she might be expecting you to be the buffer for her and beat the crap of him. Are you up for that? Is this something you want to do if it comes down to that? Be prepared that if this is the way things turn out, that she may dump you in a short period when she has managed to get what she needs from you.

A normal person does not complain/confide about his/her current relationship with someone outside of our normal circle of friends. A lot of people don't even discuss it with their very close friends. A balanced person works through the problems and if it can't be worked out, they end the relationship, give themselves some time to heal and then start looking to date other people.

Please Bill, you really need to give this some serious and thorough thought. Don't be guided by your "little" brain here. You sound like a nice and sensitive person. What is your gut really tell you here. Follow your gut intuition.

I hope this helps.

[Bill54321]

Thanks for the quick responses...

I think I will let her know how I feel, as John said. The way our relationship is going at this time she definitely knows I like her. She seems comfortable with it. So, what's the difference if I let the cat out of the bag? If she only wants to be friends at least I'll know what to expect from now on. At this time it feels as if we are wasting one another's time, not knowing which direction we want this to go. If I let her know I like her, I don't feel it's going to hurt our relationship in a negative way. She isn't the type that will think I'm crazy and quit talking to me, etc. If anything, I think she will think more highly of me as a person. At least I'm being honest with her.

I'm not trying to replace her boyfriend in any way. She can make her own choices, as valinors_sorrow wrote. I'm only hearing one side of their relationship, yes, but I see both sides in many ways. Calling her, as I often observe, her boyfriend gets across what he wants to say and that's the end of the conversation. Every conversation I've overheard was basically about him. His needs, where he is, what he's doing, where he'll be later, etc. Very little questioning is done by her, it's strange, he just gives her all this information and then they hang up. Also, they are rarely together. Ironically, she and I live close by, I never see him there, and she's home by herself. Same goes for seeing her out and about. When I see him in my daily travels he's by himself. I think this guy is a security blanket for her more than anything. Since the two of them have been together for 3 years I think she has blinded herself to accept the same old routine, him. She almost seems like a flower to me. I have given her water, now she is starting to bloom. Something he did not provide. Almost as if he has had her in a dormant stage for 3 years. By the way, we are in our 3rd year of college, just to give you an idea of what kind of age group you're dealing with here. 3 years seems like a long time to me!

As for her confiding in a male friend, personally, I'd be upset. 100% a fear. If she's confiding in me, she'd probably confide in another male, if that option was available. See, we are kind of in the same line of work and that's how I met her. She fills in for me when I need her. I fill in for her when she needs me. I contacted her and it all fell in place from there. The only reason this relationship evolved is strictly because I called her to work for me once and a while. So, I'm not some random dude she just started talking to, it's a lot more complicated than that. She had to talk to me in the beginning, just to communicate on the job. I think she confides in me because she has gained my trust, worked with/for me, and has had a chance to feel me out over a 2 year period. When it boils down to it, I don't think there will be many scenarios like this one. They way we met, and all of the other conditions of this relationship so far, are slim to none. It gets stranger and stranger, huh? At least I think so...

She's definitely feeling me out and giving me signals, Ruby. I don't think she is the type to jump from one guy to another. The reason I say this, she is still with him. I think I'm the reason she seems to be taking a different perspective on their relationship. She still lives at home and I think her family has a lot to do with why she's still with this guy. I'm not saying the family likes him or doesn't like him. I do think the family thinks everything is peachy keen. It's possible she doesn't want to confront the family about breaking it off with him. Everybody knows how that can be a touchy subject, especially if you're not close to your family. As for them as a family, I do not know. She has also mentioned she has acquired friends through the boyfriend. Maybe she's worried they won't accept her breaking up with him and she'll lose them as friends.

I don't think this guy has a bad temper. I know him as an acquaintance, that's about it. He's a quiet, smaller guy, that doesn't seem to have much of a personality. He has little ambition to find a job, further his education, etc. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. She seems to be realizing this herself, now that she's seeing other options. He's also a great deal older than her, so I think she may have looked up to him when they first met. I fiqured I'd go into more detail for you. My last entry may have been a little veg. :eek:

Thanks for all your opinions. It has really helped. I'll keep you posted. Let me know what you think if you have time. Sorry I wrote a book!
Thanks,
Bill

[RubyPitbull]

She has also mentioned she has acquired friends through the boyfriend. Maybe she's worried they won't accept her breaking up with him and she'll lose them as friends.

Well Bill, after all you wrote, it gives me a much better perspective on your situation. I took a quote out of your posting above for a reason. You have made a very, very shrewd observation here. That does make someone hesitate. At your ages, 3 years is a long time and you do create friendships as a couple.

From what you are saying, I definitely would say go for it. You are a smart and nice guy and from what you have told us, she seems to definitely be into you in some way. If she, for some reason, claims she is not interested in you that way but just as a good friend, as long as you feel that you can handle that, then there is no reason not to "put your cards on the table."

Good luck honey!! I am rooting for you. Definitely let us know what happened...

[Bill54321]

Thanks Ruby. I don't know when I'm going to tell her, hopefully soon. I hope to answer some others post when I have more time. This site and all of you are great. Glad I found it. Keep you posted... Bill ;)

[mason_7428]

Hey, Bill here. I met a girl about 2 years ago and we have been good friends since. We don't see one another "alot" but once and a while. She has a boyfriend of about 3 yrs. When we do see eachother, we talk forever and it never seems like either of us wants to go our seperate ways when we need to. She complains about him to me and they obviously do not have the most healthy relationship. She and I have much more in common than the current boyrfriend and herself. He knows of me and I know of him, but I know she keeps me "hush, hush" to him. She says he gets very jelous. When she talks of him negatively I listen, but try not to comment too much. I noticed when he calls her he is always trying to get money out of her. He doesn't work, etc. She constantly tells me "I'm going to give him til.....until we break up." Is she trying to convey something to me? What exactly is it? This has been mentioned on almost every occasion we meet. I can tell we both feel strongly for one another, and I think about her 24/7. She also tells me he doesn't allow her to go out with friends and he and she never go "out" much. Hopefully we get together eventually. I need some input on what to do. Ride out the storm, tell her how I feel? She seems to be very open toward me, indirectly, on how she feels about "us," hinting around alot...giving me facial expressions, laughs, and stuff out of the ordinary. It is a wonderful feeling we have toghether, but I don't know what to do. This is driving me nuts and I don't know what's the most appropriate thing to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks, Bill

I added some more info about this situation in the "answer" section. Thanks, Bill.

I think that you should tell this girl how you feel. The worst that could happen is that she won't have feelings for you back and you guys would stay friends. But if she knows how you feel, she might consider going out with you and think twice about staying with her boyfriend she has now.

[Bill54321]

Hello, it's been about a year since I posted this question, thought I'd thank you people and update you on what's going on.

Well, I finally got the girl. It only took about a year! That's probably a good thing.

So, all you people that think it won't happen, be patient, it will with time. If you can wait it out, it's all worth it in the end. Trust your gut. That's what I did. It all worked out and we're both very happy.

Good luck to anyone in the same situation and thanks to the people on this website.

Bill

[poseidon]

Hello Bill,

Great news about your success and many congratulations to you both

I note you originally posted your request for help on 31 Dec 07 and now, as you say it is nearly a year on and you two are together at last.

Here's to a very happy 2008, 09, 10, ad infinitum.

A year was not so long to wait in the scheme of things and I hope you both have many, many happy and loving years ahead of you.

Don't forget to let us know if there are wedding bells a ringing at anytime in the future.

John
(Poseidon)

[xdqb72h]

Bill, when you finally did tell her how you felt, how did you go about doing it? How did you bring it up?