[okinawafornow]

Since 2003, I have known an amazing guy who treats everyone really well. After several years of not talking we have reconnected and we started dating in Dec 2010. He is everything I have looked for in a guy. Outdoorsey, treats me really well, when he smiles at me I just melt and my favorite thing about him is that he knows how to put his foot down. However, this time his foot came down a little to late.

This past Friday I read a comment on his page from his ex-wife. (They have no children together and they were married for 4 years. The divorce was finalized Feb 2010) The comment said, "I luv that your luvin life!" My thoughts were, "Interesting why would she have written that?" Well we discussed it and I found out that they had texted on Friday evening and all she did was "spill her guts" about everything that had happened to her during the last year. He decided not to tell me because he didn't want to upset me and didn't think anything of it.

Well as always the ugly ex is rearing her head in a vicious way. This morning I get a text from my fiancé asking if I had contacted his ex? I told him no, and asked why. About that time, I opened my Facebook and I find not one but two messages from her. Just the way I want to start my work day.

My fiancé is currently in Vegas on a work trip and the message from his ex told me that they had been texting, and that I wouldn't like the discussion one bit. (I am cleaning it up quite a bit because she was pretty crude in the message.) The second one told me more of what they had texted about. These items include an interesting evening they had shared while they were married in Vegas and a personal picture of him. She said she had all the messages with time stamps on it if I wanted her to prove it.

I asked him to delete her as a friend, and then of course I have been thinking about it while at work. Apparently she is trying to sabotage out relationship, but now I am wondering is there a chance that he had this conversation with her? He just told me the day before that I can be high maintenance, which I can be. I am honestly proud of that because I believe all women should be high maintenance. It means they have pride in themselves and expect others to respect them. I guess this is a little off point, but I am wondering if the fact I expect so much from him and have high expectations for myself may drive him towards a woman like his ex.

Or am I just being paranoid, and I should realize that I shouldn't let this woman ruin what I have with this special man.

[talaniman]

They were married, and probably have many pictures. And mementos together, but the best thing to do is make sure your husband knows what she is doing, both the texts, and the Facebook posting, then see what happens next.

Its his ex, so he needs to handle his business, and not let it interfere in his life now. I know nothing of this fellow, or her, or you for that matter, but it doesn't hurt to pay attention, and keep it real, by being honest with your partner.

Get facts.

[mmresd]

An ex wife of four years, if they broke it off in good terms or if they broke it off in bad terms but then got better might just be a friend. And if she is trying to ruin your relationship you should talk to your fiancée about how you feel, in a calm and collected way. Don't start making accusations and start assuming things, do it calmly, I am sure that if he loves you he will respect your feelings and cut connections with her because he wouldn't want to hurt the relationship either. See how that goes, if it doesn't work out well then you can give us some more info and update on how it went and maybe we can recommend something else.

Good Luck,
Javi

[okinawafornow]

According to him she did not want the divorce. She was a house wife and had complete freedom while they were married. In her message to me she told me that if she wanted him back, he would be hers in an instant.

A big part of this is the fact that we have a long distance relationship. I think that is what made her message the toughest for me to read because it inserted that very small worm of mistrust.

Dang ex-wives.

I am keeping very cool with all of it. It is a rare thing for me to raise my voice, and luckily I know this is not one of those times. If he ends up not being the one, well I can't wait to meet the next lucky guy because I am a heck of a catch! :)

[mmresd]

But if you think that she is trying to destroy her relationship, wouldn't her suggestion of them having a good time somewhere else be accomplishing that? Don't let her manipulate you! And with that confidence, he would be dumb to leave you.

Good Luck,
Javi

[southamerica]

You don't need to be in contact with her at all.

I would block her Facebook account as well as any other lines of communication she might have with you.

The person you ought to be talking to is your ex. Like was said, just let him know what you were told, let him know that you want the truth from him, and let him know these things calmly.

Your goal right now is to be in good communication and in good trust with your fiancé. You have no obligations to work on a relationship with his ex. And perhaps her actions will encourage him to cut ties with her, at least until she figures herself out.

And be aware of what's going on. That doesn't mean you should snoop or suspect, it just means you need him to know your thoughts and he also needs to know that he should be completely honest with you. A calm approach is, in my opinion, the best way to get that out of him.

I wish you good luck!

[okinawafornow]

Thanks South, I am going with the calm thing, and I am definitely talking to him about it. It is good to hear that I should trust him for right now, and that I don't have any obligations to make nice with her. I was reading other advice columns, and one said I should make her my friend. I am pretty sure that would have been the worst thing I could have done. I am pretty sure his ex and I would not get along very well.

Thanks for the advice.

[southamerica]

That doesn't mean you should be mean or anything to her.

Just ignore her, flat out. Anything you do (nice or especially mean) right now will feed the drama. Doing nothing at all will let you walk away with a clean conscious, and she will eventually cool off.

[JudyKayTee]

You're planning on marrying him. Ask him. I continue to be amazed when people who are engaged, perhaps living together, perhaps in a sexual relationship, don't talk to each other, don't attempt to resolve their problems, go to third parties for "what do you think" advice.

I don't see a need to accuse him of anything. Ask him.

As far as what he and the "ex" did in the past, he can't change that now. You either live with it or you don't. She wants him back or doesn't want him back. It's what he wants that matters.

As far as she's concerned I wouldn't give her the time of day. She isn't contacting you for YOUR own good. She has an agenda and, apparently, it's working.

[okinawafornow]

Well the final outcome of the story:

Last night I talked to "the guy" about the message. I didn't accuse I just asked him to tell me more about what happened that evening. He got really quiet and told me he had texted and had the conversation he was accused of.

He apologized to me, and I asked why. He didn't really have an answer. So I told him that it was time for us to go our separate ways. I still think he is a great guy, I am glad that we shared some amazing memories, and I am glad he was honest with me. However, I think he has some issues he needs to deal with, and I feel he needs to deal with them on his own terms.

So I guess all I have to say is, "NEXT"

(Of course I'm completely heard broken, but I will dive into work, go on an amazing trip and remind myself that there is someone out there who will be faithful and will be absolutely crazy about me!)

I knew I would talk to him about it, I just wanted to see if I was taking a mole hill and making it into a mountain. I am glad I came in here for advice, and I would do it again!

Thanks for all the helpful advice!

[CarrotTalker]

Wow that's great. I'm proud you were able to get a clear answer that he was dishonest to you and your relationship. Then you chose a path for your freedom from that treatment.

Great :)

[amicon]

Well done;you trusted your gut feeling and got an honest reply.

Heal well and take care.