[awolsoho]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. She's amazing, and my first serious girlfriend. She has a long past though. And most of our problems have stemmed from the extremely close relationship she has with her ex. They dated in high school and became very close, but he broke it off with her. This devistated her and scarred her from a serious relationship for years. And yet, she still has feelings for him. They text all the time, they worked together over the summer, and when I wasn't around they would always hang out. I don't think she was cheating on me, but she kept the emotional aspect of there relationship alive.

I am natually jealous and insecure and this always bothered me. She told me a million times that I have nothing to worry about, and 'that he left her'. But I know she still has feelings for him. She's told me she isn't going to kick him out of her life and that they will always be best friends.

We have also come to the conclusion that I am way more into our relationship than she is, which makes me scared that she will never be fully committed to our relationship. I have wanted to tell her I love her for a while now but haven't cause I'm certain she wouldn't say it back or if she did she wouldn't mean it..

I guess my question is how do I handle this? I don't want to control her life but I hate feeling like I'm always going to be in competition for her. And if I gave an ultimatum I'm about 90% sure she would choose him.It kills me inside. Please help

[talaniman]

I will take you at your word that you talked, and mutually agreed that you are deeper into this than she is, and that's your clue to back up, and re evaluate this relationship. Maybe this is a casual thing for her, and since its your first you don't know what to do.

I don't have enough facts to really tell you what you could do, such as your ages, and if all they were doing is texting, and not hanging out since you have been going together but, I wouldn't worry a whole lot, or see him as competition.

Now if after a year you are so afraid of him, then its your decision to accept they are friends, and will always be. Or find someone else because the situation won't change anytime soon. For sure you will have to get over your own insecurities, and fears and just focus on her, but it's a big red flag, when you are afraid to express your honest feelings to your partner.

Just me, I wouldn't be worried about the guy but I wouldn't be in as deep as you are with some one who told me her feelings were not the same as mine. I would have backed up to an emotionally safer position, and enjoyed the same freedom with her friends, and exes or whatever, as she does.

I sure wouldn't put her on some pedestal, and wrap my whole happiness around her. And I wouldn't give up doing the things that makes me happy either. But its your first girl friend, and you have never had this level of attraction for another, and think it will last forever.

Just because its your first, doesn't mean it will be your only by any means, but to be fair, I thought the same way about my first, and a few after that too. So enjoy it, or what's the point? Learn to deal with your insecurities, and forget the ex because she is with you so act like you got the prize, because maybe you do, and don't need ultimatums, just some courage.

No such thing as naturally insecure or naturally jealous, as you can chose how you behave and cope with your feelings in a positive adult way, by giving your words, and actions, due thought before, you act, or speak.

[sborukaeva]

Listen... is she worth all this pain and worry? I thought my boyfriend was... we were together a year.. and broke up last weekend... a lot of our problems came from lying about his ex... he said he hated her blah blah blah and that he'd choose me... but when we argued he'd always text her or meet her, even when I went on holiday for two months.. he proposed the day I left... when I came back I found out he'd been out with her kissing hugging her etc... if you have a look at my question you'll see how serious this whole thing was... what I'm getting at.. is if you think in your mind that if you give the person a choice.. and you feel it won't be you... what are you staying around for? More worry? More pain... okay.. its been a year and yeah I honestly know its hard... but I had a counsellor yesterday and she asked me a really good question... its been a year... what has this relationship given you? Can you name good things thee relationship has given you apart from the pleasure of sex and hugging kissing lust etc... do you see where I'm coming from? Just think about it.. because again trust me I know how annoying it when people say 'oh their not good enough for you, just end it, you can do better... they've done this they've done that' that doesn't help... just take thee time to think... is this what you really need? Hope this helps :)

[Shonnarose]

HI Awolsoho.. I have read yr note and I have to say to you that firstly this is not uncommon, that is for 2 young people who have been in a relationship and are now best friends, it shows maturity. You don't say whether her ex is in a relationship now. But she is, with you and for quite some time now it would appear. From reading between the lines I believe it is just jealousy you feel, she appears to be a very openly generous girl and I hope you don't lose her because of jealousy. If you do love her why not tell her.. you have known her long enuf to reveal that to her if you do love her. Her ex is not your competition he is her friend... end of.. and you should accept that and enjoy her more and get any fears out of your head. You are a good person or would have given up on her if not but you care and she can obviously see that and would, I'm sure be upset if she lost you because you were jealous.