[NeckerCube]

Yes, I will see my doctor again. He just prescribes the medication, I'm seeing my therapist next Tuesday. And for some reason I'm trying to suppress my Anger. I keep drifting from wanting to take my cell phone back to thinking, OK, no contact starts Now.

And since I talked to my friend last night, I want to meet up with him too. But maybe I'm not thinking straight... before talking to him last night, he recalled the last time we talked was in August... I don't even know what I'm doing and thinking any more...

[talaniman]

Hit the gym, and eat well after, get all the anger out in the gym, working that body. Then eat well. Steak and potatoes, and a nice salad.

Forget the phone, LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NeckerCube]

Thanks Talaniman for encouraging me to follow all the good advice I've been given. And yeah, my spare phone coming up in my thoughts, I confess I want to use it as a reason to contact her, as a reason to take the little control I have and to take the little power I have... but it hurts when I think about it... because that's not really me... but then she doesn't care about me any more so why should I care about her? She reminded me that she was using me and I hate to think of it like that because that's evil, and a part of me doesn't want to think of her that way because that's ugly, and I want to ask her why. But I know that even if I get another answer, another response, I won't be satisfied.

I'm repeating all this to remind myself because offline, I drift into a state of panic, I'm breathing hard, my chest hurts, my neck and arms get tense... I tried asking her to search inside herself for the things we talked about in the past, but I know that was a mistake because it forces her to try even harder to bury any feeling... so I regret doing that, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I wish I could undo last night...

I'm trying to remind myself how stupid I'm acting, how what would happen were drawn out and explained to me and yet I still made the mistake...

I realize I am basing my life on her right now and that's not right... but she got me good, and I want to know if that's what she planned for, I can't just believe it to be that way, I want to hear her say it... I want to hear her say she hates me...

I haven't confessed something about what happened in high school, aside from the fact that something similar happened, I had a hard time letting go for all these years since because I wanted to be forgiven, I realized that is one thing makes it hard for someone to let go, they feel that they did something wrong, something bad, and so on... and I feel like I always do something wrong, I cheated on my high school girlfriend with one of my ex girlfriends at the time, and she found out, she destroyed me in Hawaii first, and some more when I got back, and then asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her, and at the time, I couldn't admit it, but I knew she had found out, and when she finally forgave me several months ago when this whole thing happened it was a huge burden taken off my shoulders...

The thing is, I had always justified my action, she and I got into several arguments and some times she wanted a break, and I couldn't do it and she jabbed me by saying that it's not like I am her boyfriend any ways, and so one of those times I said fine to myself and hooked up with my ex and that was that.

I feel like I'm not being told something this time. And as much as it would hurt to find out whatever it is, I want to hear it, I want her to tell me in person..

And so I'm fighting myself from getting angry because I'd do something stupid like ask for her to do that for me...

I'd sabotage any chance for Happiness and I don't understand why I do that. I feel like persisting because then there would be a better reason than just this... a reason I control, I did that to past girls, not even girlfriends, I'd write them a letter...

And I don't know if you all know about the site that sends future letters for you, futureme, I have like 5 letters or so set to auto send to this girl, and now I'm thinking twice about it because I read that whatever letter I might send probably won't do anything... but I wrote those letters to one day let her know what I was thinking and how I felt and how I Care and all the letters talk about the future that is now, and I feel like writing some final letters but now I am thinking about canceling them from sending, the first letter is sent to send on March 25, 2011 or so, that's when her and I Met. I feel that only if she knew at that time how I was feeling and how things were if only she knew then maybe things can work out because aside from what happened, the feelings were there, the values were there, the conversations, the Time spent together, they were there...

I'm having a hard time getting over the fact that she said she didn't feel anything, and that she was doing it because she felt sorry, I'm having a hard time because that voids all, all of my memories with her, that's making me sad because I don't want to hear that... that hurts so much. I want her to take that back or something because those memories were nice.. for a moment I was happy. That's what I can't get over.

I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could feel happy, I mean real happy, not just me saying I'm happy, that I'm happy to be alive, I want to Feel it...

[talaniman]

Being happy is not a feeling, it what you do for yourself that makes you feel good, and you are repeating yourself again.

Guess you didn't make it to the gym, and slipped that good meal huh!!?

[Cat1864]

Please talk to your doctor as soon as you can about your medicine. From the way you write, I get the impression that you think you are getting worse. That is a huge danger sign. If you aren't taking any other medications and aren't self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, then ask about foods that might be affecting the effectiveness of the medication.

Thank you for using paragraphs.

I think you need to write off the phone as a cost of breaking up. Have no more to do with that phone in any way. You do not need it back. It would only be a reminder. You do not need more of those.

[NeckerCube]

I just have so many questions... and I had a feeling I was repeating stuff because that's what my mind is doing right now and I can't stop it. I want to rest in peace. Thank you for the concern about my medication. And I thought it was weird that my writing was pointed out. This is how I Write.

And if I don't write like this, I stare in front of the screen; these are all the thoughts that are in my head that I cannot organize, and it's not fair, she jabbed at this...

I just talked to an old friend, my neighbor growing up who moved onto do other things, I ended up telling him what happened, like telling him every thing, and he gave me some kind words, he asked me to think of all this as I didn't work hard enough, like I didn't practice enough or something, like I didn't run enough, so I need to run more, so literally, go out and run more because I haven't ran enough yet, and I will never so I have to start running more... he said I can do that with work, but I can't focus at work, I wish I could because I spend most of days at work, and it will move me along my career faster, but the distraction is too powerful for work...

So the gym idea, it's a good idea, but I do work out hard, I was an athlete, I used to row competitively, so the obstacle of working out is getting in the car, and driving down this hill and going to the gym when it's cold. But when I get home... I get back to thinking.

The medication I take is a stimulant, it keeps me up, and it was first prescribed with a sleeping pill, but I refused it because I knew I was going to abuse it, sleeping pills are Fun. So it's like I have to exhaust myself, and by that I mean, mentally exhaust myself, and by that I mean I am eager to think, I am so eager that I Think too much and...

I'm sorry. This is the first time I've ever written this much in a space so open and not in private. I am scared because I have an endless amount of Written stuff, letters, journal entries, as I mentioned. One thing, I don't write poems, and if I did, I'd be like Sylvia Plath, or Edgar Allen Poe, or Emily ****inson, or Oscar Wilde...

Right now I'm calm because my friend listened and talk to me and you all are here, I hope I can fall asleep tonight, and stay asleep, but waking up tomorrow... I have to visit my family and talk to my Dad... and driving back reminds me of driving back to see her...

[NeckerCube]

I'm visiting my family which means I'm close to her, and I'm constantly having to fight the urge to just call her to hear her voice and ask her if she wants to hang out; and I know if I do call her the conversation is going to go no where.

I tried deactivating my Facebook like 10 times last weekend, and every single time I've reactivated it, so I really have to plan this out with my sister. I keep on thinking about the pros and cons of deactivation which is messing my decision up.

I also can't stop checking to see what she's up to since she went out with this guy and posted their fun experience as a status with details as comments.

I ended up watching YouTube videos that give the same advice found in articles, it's just different when I can see someone talking; I came across advice about exes quickly jumping to see someone else, what disturbs me is one person said that girls some times make sure they have a backup boyfriend, someone to turn to before the breaking up, and they were probably working on it way before breaking up with you. That hurts because I know exactly when she started... she mentioned going to grad school in Maryland where this new guy lives. That makes me sad.

I talked to another friend and he said that she has no respect for me and that is another reason why I need to let all this go and move on. On top of that she told me other things and I'm just holding on so tight.

I want to call and ask her why, or when, what happened. I think she saw him when she was in NY. I'm going insane. One moment I'm OK, then I'm not.

[mystific]

Get your sister to change your password and email address to your fb.. obviously to ones you don't know.

Problem solved.

[NeckerCube]

Yeah, we decided that it is best to just switch my contact emails to my sister's, then have her change my password, but it's a hard decision. I mean, a test run of 1 week no FB, without the deactivation transfer is impossible, I can't imagine more than that, I see myself freaking out or bummed when no one notices which might give me some perspective on how I'm insignificant.

Therapist appointment tonight. No contact was broken last night, she sent me a text asking if I could talk; I waited and thought to myself for an hour before calling her back. She actually apologized for her behavior when no contact was broken the first time. That was nice of her, but she didn't know I was visiting my parents who lives in the same area as her so of course, I wanted to see her, I made small talk, and then ask her if she wanted dessert, she asked me if that was a good idea, of course I said yes, at that point I was being unreasonable and foolish, I went to her house and we were acting like strangers, it was hard, but I kept a smile and wasn't... too... awkward, because the thing is I smile when see her, and she kept on asking why I'm smiling. I was also smiling because I had so many conflicting thoughts my head, and all I could do was smile thinking to myself what am I doing?

We ended up getting coffee, well I got coffee because I had a 3 hour drive home later. At that point what was going on in my head was whether she did anything with that one guy she went out with the other night because she decided to be mean and drop him into conversation right when we left her house earlier. She made a comment on how her dog didn't bark at him. The dog usually barks at all males, but to some people no, and me some times, but yeah she decided to tell me that which implies, he was over her house, and taps into the fact that she was home alone that night because she told me so, I'm going insane.

So I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't and so we went for a walk and I was all over the place with my thoughts and silent, but smiling and she knew something was weird, and so I knew I couldn't just ignore that so I brought it up, I told her I was thinking about what she said about the dog, and what she was implying, and she said yeah, acting like the whole point of talking about that was because it was a peculiar situation, we all know that wasn't the point.

So, I explained to her my thought process and asked her, well, did you do anything? And she was jokingly offended, she said Hey! And I was like what? And she was like no, and why would you think that, and I was like, well he obviously was over your place, I don't know what you two were doing, she said she forgot something and had to go home, the thing is, I actually calmed down when she said no, but the thing that is also, I feel she is being misleading, she didn't do anything with him at her house, but she did something with him at his hotel because she told me she was going to drive him back to his hotel later that one night, and I see what I am doing, I'm over analyzing the whole thing, but I'm bothered by it.

And now I can't even bring that point up.

So we ended up talking in my car and she we talked about random things but then touched on serious stuff like what she's feeling. Her ultimate plea is that she can't continue our relationship because it was a mistake and wrong, so it's something we shouldn't be doing, and she since she wants forgiveness from my friend, her ex, she can't be doing what she's doing with me. I understand what she means.

But I reasoned with her, talking about the past, and how it's ironic that I would be or have been dealing with similar stuff regarding her. I know how she feels, she wants to see him again and hear his voice. I was freaking out over the fact that I didn't get to see her one last time , etc. which by the way, that totally leaves my mind whenever I say bye to her, I'm regretting how we parted because I didn't take advantage of it and kissed her passionately like I'm thinking I should have right now. Dammit.

But, again, I know how she feels and no contact for her has been a while, and I'm sorry. I asked her if she tried calling him, and talking to him, and she said it's hard when the person ignores you. I was sorry. I talked to her about how it seems like I show no remorse which she has gotten mad at me about; I talked to her about how I had the privilege to talk to him, and I apologized and told him I didn't mean to hurt him. The thing is, she knows she was trying to hurt him, I know, he knows, we know, and I talked to her about how we hear this a lot but we have to forgive ourselves, and live with the decision that was made because we can't change it, and how I understand that you just want him to know that you feel bad.

But I asked her if she wanted more. I warned her about how he might not forgive her for a long, long time, and she knows of my experience with one of my ex, which I don't know if I've shared, but I was begging for her forgiveness and she didn't forgive me until 5 years later which took a huge burden off my back, but it's easier to talk about now that I've been forgiven and it's easier when my friend said he can forgive me but it doesn't change what happened and I explained that to her as well.

We started lightly blaming each other but that conversation took a turn as we recounted what actually happened, she saw things one way, I saw things another... but we were smiling and laughing about the beginning. I told her I was glad that we can finally laugh at it now and that's something.

The thing is I was holding back my advances, it is very hard to control actually, for me at least, I'm very persistent.

So I made countless advances and she deflected and evaded all of them... but I had my way and she liked it.

And now what?

She remembered to give me the gift she got me from New York, but I just hugged her goodbye. I asked her quickly how she felt before leaving and she said we didn't have time to talk about that, it was almost 2am.

And just to add, we talked about a lot of other things, well I did, if you can imagine from looking at and reading what I write here in this forum... yeah.

And my mind is still all over the place, I'm thinking about how she feels different because she feels in a way she is still wronging him, and I can only silently agree. We circled back to what she wanted, and I inserted that I'm sad because it seems she has to erase me, or at least try to...

I understand she doesn't want to let go of him completely, she still has feelings in other words, she doesn't want to let go of the good memories, or what could have been. She explained to me about how they had plans too... and you see, I understand because I feel the same way toward her, I don't want to let go of the good memories, or what can be, and plans with her...

I understand when she looks at me, she sees me in part as a mistake, her mistake...

I just don't know.

[pandead]

We all had the "fire" experience.

As a kid, you touch the oven, it burns. Seeing that it hurts, you stop. The information "don't touch the oven" is engraved in your head -and sometimes your hand, too.

For some people, it takes 3-4 times to understand it.

STOP finding excuses for what you're doing. You are touching the oven repeatedly and crying because it hurts. Finding excuses for what you do won't change anything.

STOP it. Learn to LET GO and stop wasting your time on stupid games. You know what you have to do, why are you still doing this to yourself?

[NeckerCube]

You're right pandead, I know what to do.

I want something I cannot have. And she is telling me she is not ready for a relationship because she still has feelings for her ex. I want a relationship with her, and I don't want to be just friends. So I need to let her know I will respect her feelings, but I also have to respect mine, I can't stick around just waiting for her to be ready.

I've written countless letters about what I just said. But I never had the Courage to follow through.

Again, you are all right, I know what I need to do, I knew ever since day one after what happened.

But to be honest, it seems like don't really know what I want because I am jumping back and forth between decisions.

I talked to her last night about Life and experiences and lessons, and about how I am going to have to learn certain things, like letting go, I'm going to have to learn to do that eventually, so what Now? I don't want to learn right now, teach me something else, teach me something else! But, we all grow up, or hope to, or know so... and I want to, just I'm not Ready. Of course I want to become a Man, hell no I don't want to become a Man Child, but why can't I learn something else right now? Save letting go for last..

And I frustrate myself by seeing it this way, but if I really want to become a Man, I would imagine this as a Challenge, because no one said becoming a Man would be easy, and I would imagine this as a rite of passage asking me, Do you really want to become a Man?

And you all don't know this but this is giving me Courage, and it's Motivating me, I'm feeling like I want this, and I'm screaming, yes, I want to become a Man! But it's not like just jumping out of a plane... or studying all day... it's not shot gunning a beer, or repairing my own car, it's not a lot of things...

And my excuse now is I didn't get to kiss her goodbye.

So I'm going to write her a letter, and give it to her in person, and do whatever I need to do to make it sappy because I'm that way, and I'm doing exactly that right now, making all this dramatic, I know, but it's helping!

[Cat1864]

Why are you trying to make her carry your baggage?

[NeckerCube]

And this is also silly.
But, she doesn't want me because I have not yet become a Man.
And it's not if I love her I'd let her go, it's if I want to become a man I need to let her go.

And I amaze even myself how quickly I get discouraged and start doubting myself.

And now I'm thinking about how some tribes make you wear those fire ant gloves.

Why does this seem harder than doing that!

[Depressed in MO]

I sympathize, I really do-but I have to share my opinion and let you know that if I were this girl-I would be totally CREEPED OUT by you right about now! I know that hurts, but it's true. I can't believe she doesn't have a restraining order out on you!

Look, I've been just like you (only I am a woman) and until you leave her alone-you are just going to push her further and further away. I'm sorry, and do not mean to disrespect you but I've been you before and it is pathetic.

Everyone here has been so kind as to listen to you vent, but it's very irritating to keep reading all these silly things you are saying, I can't believe how calm people have been with you thus far.

You didn't get to give her a kiss goodbye-so you're going to write her a sappy love-letter?? Come on, man up-you're looking at it at the wrong point of view. You're just giving her more evidence to prove you're stalking her.

Leave the girl alone and move on with your OWN life-it will work, and you will end up with someone who deserves to be with a great guy like you. Problem is-you're not so great when you have your head up someone else's azz-believe me-I know (and I've made some crazy vents on here my damn self in the past.

[answerme_tender]

You don't prove to HER that you are a man by letting her go, that isn't what proves that you are a grown up man. Knowing that your dwelling is messing up your life and that you need to move on is what a grown man does.

When a grown man has been told by a woman that she doesn't want a relationship with him and has moved on to other men, he doesn't keep continuously contacting to point of stalking.

A grown man realizes that to keep going down this same road will only hurt himself, that he has to change what he is doing and move on, for his own sanity.

Reality maynot always be the most pleasant of roads to have to travel, but it has to be traveled for us to grow as individuals.

[NeckerCube]

Thanks answerme_tender
That was my ah ha moment, I got worked up with courage because I'm realizing what it means when people tell me I need to do this for myself.

[NeckerCube]

It's been almost a month and a lot has happened since. I was doing fine with letting her go, and no contact; things started to get better and her and I talked again... until she contacted her ex and realized she can go back to him... so she told me to get out of her life.

That's what I am having trouble with right now is because she said a lot of hurtful things to me to push me away, and then she said a bunch of stuff to her ex about me, which made him angry and he pushed me away. Remember, he was my best friend.

It seems as though she thought I wanted to hurt, and it seems like she thought I told him to leave her and not be with her in the first place, but I didn't. At the same time it seems like she thinks I am fighting for my best friend back when I just don't want to be blamed for things.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the jabs thrown at me.

I am constantly going back and forth with my thoughts, one moment I am fine, I don't want to hurt any one, then I just want to get back at him. I am mad at him because he boasted and bragged about getting back with her. What am I suppose to do? He doesn't know we dated up until a month ago, and if he does, I don't think he knows the magnitude.

She knows; she asked me not to show him our pictures together or anything of that sort, or mention anything like that. I didn't plan to, but I feel hate creeping up on me telling me to use it as a weapon, but I don't want to because it will make me feel bad. If I go and tell my former friend off, and jab at him, she will hate me. And if it does nothing, I will feel stupid.

But I'm upset. I'm upset that she used me. She told me to get over this; and I am having a hard time because I don't understand why she has to treat me this way. He asked her to stop talking to me, I understand that, and in a way, that alone upsets me, but she also has to tell him little lies which he rubs in my face...

Like she never cared about me; I just want to tell him off because I don't want to believe that, I want to hold onto the good memories I have of her.

I don't want the cards she has sent me, the letters she wrote me, the things we did to become just lies.

Let me keep that at least?

I understand I can't be with her, I understand that her ex doesn't want me around either, but why do they have to jab?

I'm trying not to care, but it's hard not to want to fight back.

I don't want to see her that way, I know she doesn't love me, but does she hate me? I want to know because I'm curious, and stupid, and I know it probably won't do anything, but I want to know.

Because both of them said they don't hate me. But then I can't talk to her any more. It's easier to not want to talk to him any more now because he proved to me that he never respected me or thought of me as his best friend. But that's the reason why I am upset, he gets what he wants, and brags about it. I'm jealous, and I want to take that away from him... I want to take what he boasts about away from him.

But I keep thinking, I care about this girl though, if I fight back at him, and I win, she loses, and she will hate me, and that defeats everything that I've ever fought for.

But a part of me thinks she hates me anyway, so I have nothing to do lose, so I should just blow every thing up... but that's not right is it?

The right thing to do is say OK, she doesn't love me, she loves him, and she wants him, and she will do whatever it takes to get him back, and that means sacrificing me. The right thing is to ignore his boasting and bragging and pity that he thinks that way, and I have helped him enough when I was his friend, so I can't help him anymore.

But I feel expendable. I feel used. I feel anger. I feel Hate. And so I'm fighting myself, I'm telling myself, I can love her, and I don't care about what he says...

[talaniman]

Go back to NC and stop running head first into that brick wall.

Geez guy, haven't you suffered enough? Give up this UNHEALTHY love. This is not love. Its an unhealthy obsession. Like a junkie who needs dope to survive.

Get some help, ASAP!

[pandead]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

What do you want to fight for? Her message is clear enough. She doesn't want to be with you, do you want to fight her to make her want you again?

I saw people coming here devastated, work their issues out with time - for some it took months, others were counting the years - but I rarely see someone trying to hold on to something that doesn't exist. You're trying so hard to stop any progress you can make, any hope of moving on, it becomes scary.

I think at this point you need serious, professional help.

[Cat1864]

Have you talked to your doctor lately about all of this and your emotional turmoil?