[ftsk84]

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost two weeks (I know it's not a long time). But after a little over a week I noticed he'd become distant and less affectionate. So I asked him about it. He is a cop and recently had to switch his schedule to 3rd shift. He said that he was stressed out because of things going on and just had a lot on his mind, as well as just not feeling well. We have also spent A LOT of time together since becoming official (I'd say about 6 days a week, and I'd spent most of those nights at his place).

The other morning he could tell something was on my mind, so he asked. And I told him I felt he was being distant and I also felt it was something to do with me. He assured me it had nothing to do with me and didn't ever want me to feel that way. Then today I said to him how he seems to be less affectionate and only kisses me really when we say goodbye. But he still cuddles with me at night, pays for my meals (but I've also paid for some of his - he tends to pay for the more expensive ones) when we eat out, and he still opens doors for me. He just seems to be feeling "down" and not his usual joking, smiling self. It seemed the first week we were together he couldn't keep his hands off me.

He sent me a text earlier tonight a little while after I had left his house and basically said thanks for coming over and for dinner and everything. He said he really enjoyed it. Also said he was sorry for being distance and what not and promises it's not me. He said he just has a lot going on right now and on his mind and just needs to sort things out. He asked that I please bare with him, but he will understand if I can't (I would think if he didn't want to be with me he would just say, I can't do this right now.. I have a lot on my plate. One of my ex's used the excuse of being too stressed out to break up with me) and there may be some days where he needs to be alone, but not to take it personal. Which I told him in the beginning that I would be okay with seeing him like 3 days a week. He just didn't object to see me often and I didn't object either. So I asked him if he was having doubts being in a relationship. I told him I'm willing to work through things but if it feels like a chore, then to let me know. He said he is not having doubts about that. He just has a lot going on that he needs to get through, and that he doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel otherwise. I basically just let him know if he needed to talk or needed anything, I would be there for him. Would a guy admit if they really didn't want a relationship right now? Would they get out if they saw an opportunity to leave if it was what they truly wanted? I do know he's not happy where he is at in life. He is only working part time right now and wants a full time job, and is living with his mom again cause his roommate screwed him over. But while all these issues with him are going on internally, he is still spending a great deal of time with me. He still wants to see me and is happy to spend time with me -- it just seems like he is emotionally checked out at times. I also asked if he suffers from depression at all since he spends a lot of time at home since he's not working as much. He said he is pretty sure he does but has never been diagnosed with it.

Opinions?

[DoulaLC]

I think you should consider backing off with the questioning. He seems to be upfront and honest with you about just needing some personal space right now. You offered to be there for him if he needed to talk, now don't go back on that with pressure, even if unintended, to get him to start talking. It is up to him if and when he might take you up on the offer.

Step back and look at the big picture: you have only been seeing each other for two weeks... if he wanted out, it wouldn't be hard to end it at this point. You acknowledge that he has some stresses... work situation, living arrangements, etc. but that he still spends a great deal of time with you, is considerate by how he behaves, says he wants to see you and is happy spending time with you. It certainly doesn't sound like he is planning on calling it quits!

When a relationship is new, it is easy (and normal) to focus much of your time on it, but honor his request for a bit of breathing room right now. Focus more of your time on being with your friends and family, with your work, things you enjoy doing on your own. Try not to read more into this than there is.

[ftsk84]

I just don't know if/when I should try and talk to him, or if I should wait for him to talk to me when he is ready. The last text he sent me was yesterday at 8pm and I sent one after that and he didn't respond. It's very unusual for a text to go unresponded to after 12 hours; usually he texts me back within 10 minutes or so. I just don't know if needing personal space means not texting him either.

I would think that if he has all this on his plate right now and needs space, then why wouldn't he just end the relationship and come back to it when he has a clear head. I understand that he has stuff that he's going through right now, but I feel like ultimately he is going to push me away. I know one of my ex's used the excuse of being too stressed out and having too much going on to be in a relationship, so he ended it. I know that's not what's going on here. I guess I just differ from him. If I had a lot of stuff going on/were stressed out, I'd WANT to talk to my boyfriend cause it would make things better for me. I tried to offer him a chance to not be in a relationship if he was questioning being with me, but he said he wasn't having doubts of being in one with me, that he just needs to get through all of this. He also said he didn't want to hurt me or make me feel otherwise. It's just hard to swallow cause in the beginning it's natural for you to want to be around the person all the time, and just talk to the person all the time. You typically don't see problems like this arise so early on.

[Cat1864]

How long have you known him?

A two week relationship is very new and seems to be moving at break-neck speed. He may need some space to catch his breath. I should think that you do too.

If he just started working third shift, it will take some time for him to get used to the change. Also, if he is trying to pick up more hours, his schedule could be all over the place. Police work in the best of times is demanding and extremely hard on relationships. Often times things happen that the officer can't talk about or doesn't want to share because of 'protecting' those who love them. Be there and be willing to listen, but don't try to force the issue.

Be very careful that you aren't adding stress to the relationship because you think you see the same thing happening in this relationship that happened in a past relationship. Relationships take time to develop. Two weeks is not long to know where or how things are going. Spending six days a week together is not giving yourselves room to be individuals. Don't forget that you have lives separate from each other. Don't forget to spend time with friends and family. Don't forget to keep up things that help you relieve stress and that you enjoy doing. It will make you a stronger person and better support for your partner.

If you can't accept him as the individual that he is and that he handles things differently than you do, maybe you need to walk away.

[QLP]

You think he might as well end the relationship now just because he doesn't always answer your texts immediately? After 2 weeks it's barely got started.

'in the beginning it's natural for you to want to be around the person all the time' - not for everyone. If I had known someone only 2 weeks and they were wanting constant contact and reassurance frankly I would feel smothered. I'm female, so it's not some 'guy thing'. Different people have different expectations.

Sure I would look forward to hearing from him and seeing him, but I would be busy getting on with the rest of my life between times. What do you normally focus your attention on when you aren't waiting for a guy to call?

Give him a bit of space. Wait for him to call. Get on with enjoying other things in the meantime. How's he ever going to even know if he misses you if you're always ready and waiting for him? If he's keen enough he will call. If not, you might as well find out now.

[ftsk84]

I wasn't asking him to end the relationship because he wasn't answering my texts right away. I just thought that if he felt there was too much on his plate right now, I would give him the option to either end the relationship or stay in it. I wouldn't want to add our relationship to the reasons he's stressed out. And I am going to give him space. I figure if I don't hear from him in 2-3 days then I have my answer on how he truly felt. I just didn't want him to stay in a relationship if he felt it was a burden to him. But he said he was not having any doubts.

[talaniman]

You typically don't see problems like this arise so early on.

You do when you are needy, and insecure with yourself, and take anything that doesn't reassure those insecurities, personally. You must have a very unhappy life outside this relationship if you are already making huge mountains out of nothing in just the first two weeks. That's almost crazy, as you have a lot to learn yet about each other beyond the physical.

You better put aside your neediness, and pay attention and learn who you are dealing with, and let him learn you. You should be having fun getting to know each other, not worrying what he is thinking about.

[DoulaLC]

I wasn't asking him to end the relationship because he wasn't answering my texts right away. I just thought that if he felt there was too much on his plate right now, I would give him the option to either end the relationship or stay in it. I wouldn't want to add our relationship to the reasons he's stressed out. And I am going to give him space. I figure if I don't hear from him in 2-3 days then I have my answer on how he truly felt. I just didn't want him to stay in a relationship if he felt it was a burden to him. But he said he was not having any doubts.

Why does it have to be all or nothing at this point? So he has things he needs to focus on and give his attention to... that doesn't mean he can't be in a relationship as well. The relationship will only add to his stress if you continue to try and get him to talk to you. Your relationship may very well be the comfort zone he could use right now. Something that doesn't require his full attention, that isn't adding to his concerns. Be that shoulder you offered when he needs/wants it, but be careful it doesn't come across as though he is expected or required to take advantage of it. Sometimes just knowing someone who cares about you is there if you need them eases stress.

Some people like, and need, to talk things out, it helps them sort it out and work through what is going on. Other people need to have some time alone to work through it first in their own heads, try different ideas, etc..

Not hearing from him in a couple of days doesn't mean he wants to end things. It very well might mean he is just busy, has things he needs to attend to, deadlines to meet, whatever. You said it yourself, he has a lot on his plate right now. While he enjoys spending time with you, you guys are still getting to know each other. You are likely not the most pressing concern in his life right now.

It hasn't even been two weeks... far too early to worry about where things are going. Enjoy the time that you can spend together, don't press for more, or you will likely cause the very thing you are so worried about.

[answerme_tender]

ftsk84,

You have only been dating him for 2 weeks, you are smothering this guy. I used the phrase dating, when actually you have been sleeping with him for 2 weeks, you might of started with dating, but jumped right into the sleeping together. You have left NOTHING to this guys imagination. No one wants to be on a leash just because they have been sleeping with someone for 2 weeks. You maybe thinking that your showing him affection, and that your very attacted, but with his job back ground he maybe thinking this as a little psycho feeling, and letting you down easy. Since you know where he works and people he works with he probably doesn't want a scene so is just making up an excuse.

I would just let him go and get on with your life. Live and learn, Make sure you get the respect you deserve on next relationship, don't jump all at once. TAKE YOUR TIME to get to know each other first, character, morals,if each of you are wanting a relationship,etc before sleeping with them. Good luck

[ftsk84]

Would you still consider yourself to be in a relationship with someone if you haven't heard from them in a few days, though? I know people handle situations all differently. But how are you able to maintain a relationship with someone if they aren't speaking to you for whatever reason it may be. I'm trying not to get too concerned just yet, since it's been less than 24 hours since I've heard from him, and to give him space but I'm left wondering where I stand with him. I've never had to deal with a guy needing space. The concept is foreign to me. We either kept seeing each other or eventually broke up. Granted I have never seen a guy this much. But he did say in the beginning that he would love to see me every day but he knows I have other things going on. He kind of allowed us to see each other often so I didn't find it being an issue, which is why I didn't stop it. Til the other day I realized we should probably slow down.

I know I did make the mistake of seeing him so often, sleeping over so often, but I am prepared to (if we're still in a relationship) to take things down a notch and just get to know each other and not sleep over for a while. I will say that if things don't work out in my favor then I've at least learned a lesson to not be so eager and available. I'm just wondering at which point should I wait for him to come around. A few days, a week, few weeks?

Before I left his house yesterday he said he would look at his schedule and figure out when we could see each other again, whether it be me coming there for a few hours before work or him coming to my house one day. But since him admitting to me that he has been distant and the reasons for it, I'm not sure where all that is anymore. I feel like I should contact him and just see how he is doing but I have a feeling that would cause him to pull away even more.

[CarrotTalker]

I would give him the option to either end the relationship or stay in it. I wouldn't want to add our relationship to the reasons he's stressed out.

But that's exactly what your doing to him!

Telling him, hey you can end the relationship if you want definitely will add stress to the situation and make him second guess your motives behind saying that.

I can feel your stress and anxiety from all of your posts, do you experience this type of anxiety with other things in your life or previous relationships?

What are you so worried about, its only been 2 weeks!

[ftsk84]

What am I worried about? Being cheated on, lied to, deceived.. since I have been in almost every past relationship/guys I've dated. There are very few to the core honest people. As far as I am concerned, I am single again. I called him and asked him to please give me a call before he goes to work. I don't think he will. I hope he will. I will be pleasantly surprised if he does. It might not be tonight, or tomorrow, or even ever. But I put myself out there and that's all I can do.

I told him I had a fear of jumping right into a relationship with someone because those tend to not work out because you don't know enough about the person. I started dating him rather quickly despite how I felt cause I didn't want to wonder "what if" and I know you have to take chances to achieve great things in life. If I could go back to just seeing him casually and going on dates and not have the level of commitment that we were in with being boyfriend/girlfriend then I would. I would love to just seeing him once or twice a week and getting to know him and just starting all over. But I think what's done is done.

[DoulaLC]

It's two weeks of seeing him, many would not consider that a "relationship" just yet. Since you did jump ahead and get to the more serious stuff so quickly, and now you would like to back off and take it more slowly, then do just that.

Don't contact him again, other than to maybe send him one text to tell him you were thinking about him, know that he is busy, give you a call sometime if he feels like going out, then nothing more. Let him contact you when he has the time. When he does contact you, no quizzing him on what his feelings are... just go out and have fun.

Consider not sleeping with him for awhile as well if you are serious about just spending the time getting to know each other and seeing if this is something you both want to build on. Taking chances to achieve great things does not mean you have to push a potential relationship into high gear in the first two weeks.

Perhaps moving too quickly took him by surprise and, along with dealing with his obligations, he is trying to slow it down a bit.
That doesn't mean he isn't interested.
You will drive yourself crazy with assumptions of what he may or may not be thinking, wanting, and planning.

You didn't want to have to dwell on the "what ifs" but that is exactly where you are at. Spend time going out with friends, who knows, you may meet someone else you would like to date and get to know as well.

[Cat1864]

These are some general observations from reading your posts:

1. You are not ready for a relationship right now.
2. You are still toting around the baggage you packed in your past relationships.
3. You are fixating on Red Flags that may or may not exist.
4. You seem to be training yourself to think that all men are alike and if one is a louse, then they all are.
5. You don't seem to be taking the time to get to know him as an individual.
6. You seem to be so caught up in your own thoughts and feelings that you aren't paying attention to his. You say you are, but it seems more like you have already decided what he should be doing or feeling before he says a word.
7. You don't seem ready to communicate and work together with him to build the relationship over time.

I think you may have been sending out mixed signals of your own. Have you been subconsciously pushing him away even as you try to convince yourself that he is the one pulling away?

[talaniman]

QUOTE by ftsk,
What am I worried about? Being cheated on, lied to, deceived.. since I have been in almost every past relationship/guys I've dated.

Then why would you allow yourself to be available to someone for 6 days out of 7, in a two week period? Its your actions that you should question, not his.

There are very few to the core honest people. As far as I am concerned, I am single again.

You have always been single because what have you gotten in two weeks? What did you expect to have in 2 weeks?

I called him and asked him to please give me a call before he goes to work. I don't think he will. I hope he will. I will be pleasantly surprised if he does. It might not be tonight, or tomorrow, or even ever. But I put myself out there and that's all I can do.

After all of your fears, and insecurities, and believing the worst in people you still pursue him? WHY? And you still have expectations of him? WHY? Are you trying to prove something to yourself based on what he does next? I think so, because its important that you be right about his motives, and therefore can justify your own thinking, thus relieving you of any responsibility for whatever happens, and that's a self fulfilling prophesy, that you have made happen to make yourself feel better and don't have to take responsibility for your own actions.

I told him I had a fear of jumping right into a relationship with someone because those tend to not work out because you don't know enough about the person.

That's what you said but not what you did. Your words and actions don't match. I understand you wanting to protect yourself, but not by blaming him for his actions since you went along with the program, and even willingly helped things along by making yourself available at the expense of all else you have going on in your life. Further, you are real keen on pointing out what he is going through, but have said nothing about what's on your plate that allows you to be with a fellow 12 days out of 14, which leads me to believe you were that lonely and you latched very quickly to the first thing coming with no thought of the consequences to what you are doing. Impulsive in my book, and a clear indication of your own insecurities. Lets face it, you needed something he had, and now you are afraid again, and making excuse with the things he is going through to explain your fear, and shift the blame for your fear, to him. Not fair at all, but I suspect this isn't the first time you have done this.

I started dating him rather quickly despite how I felt cause I didn't want to wonder "what if" and I know you have to take chances to achieve great things in life.

Yet another excuse to justify how you handled yourself. The lack of thought and planning has you so far in left field that I would be afraid at how quickly you have lost control of yourself too. Moving so fast from impulse instead of thoughtful process does that every time. In other words, actions without logical thought rarely make us feel good or happy. That's where you are now, surrounded by your own fear, and guilt, and trying to make this all his doing and ignoring the part you played in the drama of your own making.

If I could go back to just seeing him casually and going on dates and not have the level of commitment that we were in with being boyfriend/girlfriend then I would.

Why can't you do so now? Why can't you be honest with him, and yourself? Why do you feel trapped on only one course of action??

I would love to just seeing him once or twice a week and getting to know him and just starting all over. But I think what's done is done.

Yes what's done is done, and you need to let go and, do things differently in a more thoughtful, pragmatic, and responsible way. Can you? I doubt it, simply because you are not ready for a healthy adult relationship, because you have not healed from the past enough, or overcome your fears enough, to have one, or know what it looks like, or what you want from it. If you did, you would know how to work within one to build, and not tear it up by fear and impulse.

[ftsk84]

Well he ended up texting me shortly after I had left him a voicemail. He told me that he just saw that I had called and didn't hear his phone go off, and apologized cause he was sleeping. He said he was sleeping all day trying to get back on the midnight schedule and also when he gets stressed he becomes distant and sleeps a lot (something I did not know previously). He also said that he wanted to say that and reassure me that it's not me. He told me he was going to get ready for work. After I read that it was a sigh of relief, but also made me feel bad cause I assumed the worst in him, which makes me realize he's not just telling me lines of bull****. I told him there were some things I wanted to talk about with him but they can wait since he's busy. He said if they were important things then he'd like to talk about them and asked how long I'd be up. He ended up calling me before he went into work and we talked for a bit. I told him that I think it'd be best if we saw each other less than we were cause I do think recently he might have been feeling smothered and things got to moving too fast. He agreed. He also told me the issues he was trying to sort through right now has nothing to do with me. He said he needed me to trust him on that. He said he can't tell me what it is right now, but once we're together a bit down the road then he can. So I'm just going to trust that he is working through whatever is going on. I'm also going to step off a bit and give him some space. He said we can still talk and hang out and stuff, I just need to keep in mind that he is trying to sort through those issues. Which is fine with me.

And yeah, I'm not exactly a pro when it comes to relationships. My longest relationship has been 3 months, and that was sort of long distance so it's not like I spent a great deal of time with the person. I will admit that I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to relationships, but I am learning along the way. And I think no matter who you're with, you're always going to have certain insecurities/fears. If anyone tells me they don't, they're lying. I just think as time goes on I'll be more comfortable in our relationship and those insecurities/fears will go away.

I did make myself available too much. I realize that now. But I was just so caught up in wanting to spend time with him that I didn't really take time to stop and think of how it was perceived or what I was doing. But now I realize that seeing him not quite that much will be the best thing for this relationship so we can properly get to know each other and so things don't go stagnant.

[DoulaLC]

Well done... I'm sure you are feeling much better about the whole situation, chalk it up to another lesson in relationships 101.

Now go out with friends and family more, keep yourself busy, and have some fun!

[talaniman]

And I think no matter who you're with, you're always going to have certain insecurities/fears. If anyone tells me they don't, they're lying. I just think as time goes on I'll be more comfortable in our relationship and those insecurities/fears will go away.

I found this profound, and just wanted to expand on it a bit, as we all have fears, and insecurities, but we learn to manage them so they don't take over our lives, or impact us negatively. I think that learning about our partner, teaches us things about ourselves as well, and that's not a bad thing.

Relax and have fun getting to know this fellow, and yourself. That's what dating is all about, enjoying it, and enjoying the life that makes you happy without him.

That's a win-win situation.