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shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 11:54 AM

Ok here's the story. My boyfriend's b-day is this Wednesday and he happens to be off from work. I asked him where did he want to go (family included), he says my "mom and them are taking me out but you're not coming." he goes on to say that we'll go out another day to celebrate. It's been my experience that we never go anywhere when he says this. I politely explain to him that this has always made me feel left out and I don't understand why he wants to do it this way; we go back and forth for awhile. Out of frustration I say "i don't want to do s*** for your birthday, go where ever you want to go!!" I know saying this was wrong, but what else could I have done, he ignored my feelings and didn't try to explain why he wanted it this way. I was trying to compromise and he refused. Tell me what you think.:mad:

talaniman · Jan 6, 2007, 11:57 AM

If this is the guy you've been going with for 7 years, I'd be mad for a long time.

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 12:19 PM

I left something out. He said "i want to have an intimate date with you," and "i didn't include my best friend of 14 years!" "blah, blah, blah" is all I heard, comparing me and his best friend is like comparing apples and oranges. I get the impression that he wants to have experiences and memories that don't always include me. This is fine, but I feel he should select another event to have separate memories for!

chuff · Jan 6, 2007, 12:48 PM

From what I'm gathering it sounds like he wants to celebrate with you alone? Is that bad? I don't know I just feel like there's more to this story.

J_9 · Jan 6, 2007, 12:53 PM

Why don't you make reservations for dinner at a fun place on a different night that you know he will be available?

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 12:53 PM

For the most part that's what happened verbatim.

J_9 · Jan 6, 2007, 12:56 PM

Okay, so then, let him go with his family, and you two go out on another night. That should not be a problem. If it is then there are some other issues going on in this relationship that you do not mention.

curlybenswife · Jan 6, 2007, 12:56 PM

Ok you aren't going to like this but from my little window looking in id say there's a problem along the way, does his mother actually like you?? Is there any friction there?If there isn't well I'm also thinking he is a mummys boy and won't do anything to upset her.
Either way hunn your fighting a losing battle no point screaming at him it will just push him further back into his family on the other hand yeah I see your point too.
See he may well just want to celebrate with you also but would rather tell you no than his family it's a easier cop out that's for sure, less people to scream at him if he tells you no.

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 02:23 PM

Me and his mom actually get along pretty well. In fact if I don't go with them she'll definitely ask me why I was absent. He is a momma's boy but that still doesn't explain why he prefers it this way. He claims it's as simple as wanting to go with his family one night and then having a "intimate dinner" alone with me, I'm not quite sold on this reason/excuse alone; I feel there's more to it.

chuff · Jan 6, 2007, 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by shaun4

Me and his mom actually get along pretty well. In fact if i don't go with them she'll definitely ask me why i was absent. he is a momma's boy but that still doesn't explain why he prefers it this way. He claims it's as simple as wanting to go with his family one night and then having a "intimate dinner" alone with me, i'm not quite sold on this reason/excuse alone; I feel there’s more to it.

Honestly, unless there's more to this which you say there isn't I would be inclined to think he wants to celebrate with you alone. And for him he gets not one but two birthday celebrations so it's the double fun for him.

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Honestly, unless there's more to this which you say there isn't I would be inclined to think he wants to celebrate with you alone. And for him he gets not one but two birthday celebrations so its the double fun for him.

Yeah, after I calmed down I realized you are exactly right. Thanks!

talaniman · Jan 6, 2007, 03:22 PM

After 7 years I would think the relationship would have a lot more communication and understanding and flexibility than what is shown here. I don't see the problem unless he told you at the very last minute you were not invited. Help us understand.

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

After 7 years I would think the relationship would have a lot more communication and understanding and flexibility than what is shown here. I don't see the problem unless he told you at the very last minute you were not invited. Help us understand.

We have communication, understanding and flexibility, but we have our moments, this is one of them. I guess looking back at it I guess he thought this would make me feel special but instead I felt excluded. At times, the message he is trying to send, and the one I receive are complete opposites. I'm not sure if this gives you more clarity but I didn't/ don't quite understand it myself. I think Club Chuff is as close if not right on the money with what my boyfriend thought. Your advice is still welcomed, if you want to offer any.

ForeverZero · Jan 6, 2007, 04:29 PM

It's hard sometimes to be put on the back burner, especially for a special occasion, but something to keep in mind with relationships is that you cannot expect him to prioritize you first ALL of the time, and there will be times that you don't get what you want.

chuff · Jan 6, 2007, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by shaun4

we have communication, understanding and flexibility, but we have our moments, this is one of them.

Well that is because men and women think and communicate differently. From your perspective I see that this could be taken as a slight but from his I can see where he could mean nothing by it and in fact, want something more as a celebration from you one on one.

You know many times women say guys aren't romantic enough or don't think of them when we do or try to and it's misunderstood. I think this is one of those times.

Originally Posted by shaun4

i guess looking back at it i guess he thought this would make me feel special but instead i felt excluded.

I think he meant nothing but complementary thoughts and wanted to celebrate with you alone or at least separate from his family.

Originally Posted by shaun4

. At times, the message he is trying to send, and the one i receive are complete opposites. I'm not sure if this gives you more clarity but i didn't/ don't quite understand it myself.

Women generally are emotional and men are generally logical and I think the same statement from his logical mind was interpeted differently from your emtional mind.

Originally Posted by shaun4

i think Club Chuff is as close if not right on the money with what my boyfriend thought.

Plus the little attention seeker in me would also want two celebrations instead of one. Corny - Sure. Childish - No question. Would I still do it - Yep. Come on, it's two celebrations!!

chuff · Jan 6, 2007, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by ForeverZero

It's hard sometimes to be put on the back burner, especially for a special occasion, but something to keep in mind with relationships is that you cannot expect him to prioritize you first ALL of the time, and there will be times that you don't get what you want.

I don't know if I would say she's being put on the back burner, but rather the other front burner. That's just my take on it.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2007, 05:23 PM

If this is just a glitch ina otherwise good relationship then just take a chill pill and get him a nice gift. Are you an emotional person?

shaun4 · Jan 6, 2007, 05:32 PM

To Club Chuff: thanks for the advice, sounds very sensible, I'm pretty sure he'll totally agree with you!

To Talaniman: I can be emotional when it concerns him, but it's almost always with cause (or so I think). Why do you ask?

To ForeverZero: I know what you are trying to say, thanks!