[KarenChristine]

I don't know where to start, I love my partner but his mother keeps making snide remarks to me. I become very upset and try to smile when she says things I don't like to be polite. I have told my partner about this and it causes a good deal of stress for our relationship. She talks down to me like I'm not good enough for her son. I feel like letting the cat out of the bag on some of his legal problems. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about his legal problems. I feel like just going to the justice of the peace and not having a wedding at all.

[JFormby]

Some parents think that no one is good enough for their child, but find out what she wants. Maybe it can be fixed, or eliminated. It would be fair if your boyfriend supported you more and found out what she wants and why the snide remarks from her. If he continues to blow it off and not offer support, think twice about the relationship with him.

If you marry this man, is sounds like you will have an unpleasant future due to her snide remarks and conditions could grow worse for you. Family members seem to show their worst sides to their family members and if you marry you will be her family member.

Also, if he is breaking the law, you might get stuck paying for long term bills, every thing from rent, mortgage, cars, furniture, and all his bills that he cannot pay for if he severs time in jail or prison as well as your own bills.

No one deserves the hardship of a future like this.

[answerme_tender]

Okay, let me get this straight, you are engaged and because your fiance's mother is unpleasant person and makes you feel bad. So to make yourself feel better and stick it to your future mother in law, you want to throw your fiancé underneath the bus. No offense here, but geez that's a grown up way to handle the situation.

You are not marrying this woman your marrying her son. If you cannot put up with her, then you need to sit down with your fiancé,his mother and have a little family meeting on how to treat each other with respect and common courtesy. Explain how you feel, see if there is anything you can do to improve how she feels about you.

[KarenChristine]

Comment on answerme_tender's post
Thank you. You did straiten out an immature thought process I was having. I'm tangled. I do want to feel better, but I don't want to hurt my fiancé or his mother in the process.

Comment on JFormby's post
]Thank you. I'm concerned about the future and it was over whelming me. My fiancé finally has taken legal steps and has talked with his mother. I just need to figure out how to logically deal with all of these issues more rationally.

I wasn't making much since when I posted my question. Since then I have addressed the issue with my fiancé about his mother and his legal issues. Obviously both are completely separate and need to be dealt with accordingly. I'm not communicating as well as I'd like because I'm overwhelmed with emotions on both situations. The resentment is a strange emotion to handle. My fiancé has talked with his mother in the past about the snide remarks and she just starts crying. She is snide with him too so it's not totally personal. I've told him I still have issues with how she's talking and he's not sure what to do but is upset with her behavior. She does like me, I've been told she adores me. I've been told by others "it's just her way". Argh. I guess it's up to me to accept this behavior as I can't see her changing much. As far as the legal issues go he is finally taking steps to deal with them. It's really out of my hands but it affects me greatly. We live in New Zealand, I am from the US. His problems are in the US and this affects where we are going to get married. (because he can't go to the US until he takes care of his legal problems.) My mother won't fly to NZ because she has a fear of flying... I'm reaching an age where if I want to have kids we really should get married as soon as possible. I'm honestly having a very difficult time problem solving at the moment. So I thank you very much for your help.

[CarrotTalker]

So for the mom, it sounds like you just have to take her remarks in stride. Look into finding books at your library on how to deal with people like that, the key is understanding and accepting them as they are, not trying to change them into something they aren't. That's something she will have to work on, but she is likely not capable of that.

What type of legal problem does your fiancée have with the US. (Post a general idea or charge, not much detail). Is he already working with a lawyer to resolve the situation?

[KarenChristine]

Comment on CarrotTalker's post
Over 10 years ago, He got a DUI and a domestic violence charge in the same month. Resisted arrest, and jumped parole, and fled the country. He is not a US citizen. He contacted a lawyer via e-mail today.

As for the domestic charge. He didn't physically attack anybody. I am not afraid for my physical safety at all. Because the police were called, there needed to be an arrest which he resisted. He plead guilty to the charge to get out of jail. Every step of this situation he handled terribly. I was worried about his alcohol abuse problem but he doesn't drink now. I don't drink either. His past experience changed his life for the better, he is an upstanding citizen now and hasn't been in trouble in the past 10 years what so ever, he has a good career... etc.

I dated him 13 years ago (before this other lady). We lost touch and found each other again. When I moved out to his country I was aware of the DUI but didn't know about the domestic. No one did, he kept it a secret for all of these years out of shame. I was very angry when I learned about the domestic, and that he'd kept it a secret. I felt like I'd come a long way to be with him again and I should have know all the facts. I don't know why I'd want his mother to know all of these things? I feel like my bitterness about this is hostile and I need to find a healthy way to deal with myself. As far as he and his mother know I am one happy engaged lady. He is a good man that I still want to marry. I'm writing about the problems I'm having because that's what I have questions about. There is a TON of good stuff.

[talaniman]

It seems all your problems are ones that will require a lot of work over the long term, so be patient and forget the quick fixes, no matter how frustrating it gets. That includes both your relationship with his mom, and his legal issues. They will take years to resolve, with many bumps along the way. I think it all comes from the anxiety of having a wedding with your family in attendance that is at the bottom of all these feelings, and they are magnifying greatly other life glitches to be dealt with.

Can you afford to get married in Canada, or somewhere where your mother doesn't have to fly, just outside the U.S. Bahamas, Mexico, maybe? What about a cyber service? Just food for thought, and discussion.

[KarenChristine]

We looked into getting married in Las Vegas so my mother could attend. We found it was not affordable for us because of air fares from NZ and this is when I also took my head out of the sand and realized he really shouldn't risk going to the US.

[answerme_tender]

I wouldn't make the actual ceremony into a big deal. You are going to get so stressed out that your not even going to enjoy planning your wedding. I would get married NZ. You know where to go to get good deals. Less stress on you and your fiancé. I would hire someone if you can to tape the ceremony and send that to your Mother. I would also make sure if your having a gathering after ceremony to say something about how your thinking of you mother during this special time and how much she wanted to be there,etc. Then if possible I would go visit her as soon as you can to introduce your husband to her. Good luck on your wedding.

[KarenChristine]

I'd never wanted to get married in Las Vegas but was thinking it would be an easy answer to our situation. When I found out how much it would cost I became sad. When his mother saw my ring she commented that I had taken all of the money meant for her, her daughter and her kids Christmas presents. I ignored this comment because I was so happy to be engaged. But she repeated it until I acknowledged it. I kept this to myself but finally told my fiancé and he got angry with me saying she was joking and thought these issues with his mother had gone away.

My fiancé kept talking about his stag party in the grand canyon with his mates and flying his sister's family to CA so they could all go to Disney Land. This was making the wedding date be pushed further and further away because of expense. I felt caught up in chaos that had nothing to do with our wedding and was concerned and becoming increasingly upset. I love my future nieces and nephews and think Disney Land would be a nice experience for them but honestly I don't care about Disney Land right now. I want to plan a wedding and any cost for us should be revolved around our wedding and not a holiday for my fiancés family. I'd rather go on a honeymoon. I'm resentful that I feel selfish about this. His mother is really concerned about what her son is going to do about Christmas for her grand kids because of my ring and our wedding. I'm angry that she isn't just happy for us, I'm tired of always thinking about her, and her grand kids. All of this started to get to be too much and I felt the focus of our wedding was going away. I kept trying to plan a wedding in Las Vegas a place where I never would want to get married just to please everyone, and I thought it would be affordable. That plan just is not going to work out and I don't even want to get married there in the first place. I decided not to wast money and time trying to make this work. Also the MAIN reason being the legal problems. If we got married anywhere but NZ we would have to foot the bill for his family's hotel etc. My fiancé and I want to start a family. I am 37 1/2 so I feel like we really need to start trying soon. We have some debt already, the cost of a wedding could potentially put us in a bad situation to have children. My father will probably pay for most of the wedding but he won't pay for my fiancés family's hotel and airfare. My father has no problem hosting the wedding in NZ, my sister and her family are happy to come to NZ as well. I'm sad that my mother can't come but I can't take away her fear of flying, and I know she doesn't want us to go into serious debt trying to bring his family to our wedding. I'm just at my limit with his mother's rude comments at this time and feel like I could explode. I feel she is insensitive to what I'm trying to do. But I guess I'd better get use to it, and figure out a way to handle it.

I don't feel like I have time for these demands from his mother on him for Christmas, Disney Land... etc. We don't need to push back our wedding to be able to afford their trip. My fiancé says we can start trying to have children as soon as I want and get married later. My mother has a real problem with this and so do I. My mother feels that we should just go to the justice of the peace and get married. Avoiding the rest of this headache. While I tend to agree with her. His mother said if we get married without her she will be very angry and upset. Also, I think if I don't have some kind of wedding, I will always be bitter.

I agree that the anxiety of having a wedding with my family in attendance is at the bottom of these feelings and they are magnifying greatly over life glitches to be dealt with. I've got his mother, his legal issues, and my biological clock ticking. I also agree that these issues are going to take a lot of time to deal with. The window for me to have children is too small of time to get all of these other things sorted out before hand (if they ever get sorted out)... regarding his mother. The legal issues we can plug along with and handle in the future. I do want some kind of wedding. Mostly I love my fiancé and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't want to loose sight of what I really want because of a wedding ceremony.. All of this is freaking me out though. I've been in a lot of weddings and watched brides stress out so am I normal? I don't have cold feet, just don't know how the heck to plan a special day with all of these dynamics.

[KarenChristine]

I didn't think I'd want a video but that would be a good way for my mother to see the ceremony. I also like the idea of being less stressed in planing the wedding. I would like to enjoy this process more and need to keep on track.

[answerme_tender]

Karenchristine,

Do me a favor Please. Remove yourself as much as possible and calmly re-read your last post you gave about Disney land, etc. Then ask yourself honestly what advice would you give this woman who posted this. Would you advise her to marry this man. Or would you tell her that she is about to enter into a situation that isn't going to end up happy ever after.

Your fiancé should not be the primary financial person for his immediate family, including nephews,nieces,mother,sister, sister cats.sister dogs,etc...
Then when you approach him about stuff that his mothe is saying--he jumps all over you---whoa little doggie, He sounds like a big ole MAMA'S BOY. Those are not prime canidate's for marriage!!

I realize you love this man, but he has too many things pulling him in too many directions, and unfortuantely being pulled your direction is going to back set over the rest. If you think this will ever change---YOUR WRONG---Sorry, even if you have children, you better be prepared to raise them according to the future mother-in-law or all hell is going to break lose! If your willing to live like this then go for it, but at least go into this marriage with your eyes wide open, and be willing to accept that you will not be first priority. Iam sorry to sound harsh, but I think you should be given a different perspective.

[KarenChristine]

I re-read what I wrote. I wouldn't know how to advise someone with my problem. I'd probably think good luck with that one lady. He is a mama's boy and that is why I believe I am resentful, and having strange thoughts of exposing his legal issues. It's really an odd way for me to feel about handling our situation. It's not like she'd then realize I don't appreciate her snide comments. The only thing I can think of is, maybe I feel hurt and want to hurt them both? I'm grasping at straws as to why I'd betray his confidence. I'll only hurt people and make myself look like a jerk. I just feel like I'm holding so much resentment in that my thinking has become warped, strange is it vengeful? I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't make me feel good inside and I don't like it. I could call this whole thing off, go home and forget the whole thing. I think about that and just know that I would regret losing someone I love very much over what? His mother and sister? That seams like a huge mistake. This problem I'm having feels like grid lock on my mind. I'm feeling like my personality is being tested as to how I'm going to handle this with grace. I feel mean. I'm really lacking in confidence on trying to plan our wedding. I realize that what I'm writing would cause one to question what I'm doing marrying this man. I know I want to marry him or I wouldn't have said yes. Things have gotten better with his mother from when I first arrived. It seams as though she is upping the anti with this news of our engagement. His sister has too. This Disneyland holiday is just them being selfish. I don't know why I would feel selfish not caring about their vacation and wanting to focus on our honeymoon instead. I feel manipulated and not sure how to handle the situation.

[KarenChristine]

Can being engaged have a profound affect on ones relationship? I thought I'd come to terms with my fiancés mother and his legal problems. I don't understand why I'm getting so bent out of shape because I have a ring on my finger now. What's changed? We discussed marriage, we picked out a ring, and had it made, I was thrilled to say yes. Is it just planing the day that's getting to me because of all of the complications? Is this just a sign that we are doomed as a couple because I'm struggling with his mom and legal problems? I've never been engaged before and it seams as though I'm in a maze. I am feeling very naïve, but I didn't think getting engaged would make me resent my partner and his family. I don't have cold feet, I don't expect to be treated like a princess... I can't get my head around this. Does being engaged make some one feel crazy? I've bottled too much up about all of this. That was a mistake. I didn't think it would go away, I just thought it was mean to say anything negative about someone's mother. Now that I'm engaged my expectations of respect are higher. What is going on?

Comment on talaniman's post
This advice about my problems being magnified at the moment is hitting home. I do believe it will take years to resolve them. Being patient will be key in handling things well. Thank you.