[Sienna123]

In the early stages of the relatioship, my b/f was more anxious to get in touch with me. Lately, he can go a day or two without calling but just send simple sweet messages a couple of times a day... that's all. When you are used to a certain pattern, and it changes, questions arise. So I ask him if he got my message and he will just say that he has been busy working on spreadsheets, etc. at work and is tired when he gets home. I'm not asking for an hour call but a simple "hey honey, just wanted to touch base with you" call would be nice. He is a very fragile person and if approached wrong, he will hide in his cave. Anyone have any idea how I can have a meaningful discussion with him on this without bruising his delicate ego?

[talaniman]

How old are you, and how long have you been together?

Off hand I would say your just getting to know each other. Just learning HOW to communicate.

[Sienna123]

The funny thing is that I have known him over 3 years and we communicated every single day for the past year and a half. I am 52 and he is 50. Yes, we are in the older group but I have NEVER known a guy that is very delicate with his ego. We've had other discussions and I have learned how to tactfully approach things. However, I am sort of getting to the end of my rope with the one that has to be understanding about HIS busy schedule. Personally I think this is an act of selfishness. He obviously sees that I call and chooses to continue with his work, or whatever, and then go to bed. I will text him the next day, and he will say he got my message but he was tired and went to sleep. I'm not asking for the world, just a quick call to make me feel like I really am still actually in a relationship. Some of my friends say that it's just "guys" but I don't buy that and won't stereotype. But yes, I do think some kind of discussion has to take place so he learns just how to communicate with "me". Your thoughts?


I should add that we were solid communicators for the past year and a half up until about two months ago when it's slowly slipping.

When we are together in person, we are great. It's just his inconsiderate message return way of late that is bothering me. Oh and by the way, I don't send repeated messages. I send one and if no response, I let it go. So it is not a matter of me pushing him, I am just asking for some respect and response.

[talaniman]

Why not just stop sending him any messages since he doesn't return them any way. Then you won't get so frustrated.

Seems rather obvious he won't change any time soon so stop expecting him too.

Sorry, but unless you can "tactfully" approach him, then you don't have a lot of options, but to accept him for what he is. I think maybe you are to available for his needs when HE has time. With that kind of attitude, don't expect him to go out of his way to meet YOUR needs.

[Sienna123]

Good point Talaniman. I think a dose of ME not being available when I see him calling on the phone is what he needs.

It's a hit or miss to which messages he returns and I am tired of it. I have to command the respect of my time and of me personally.

[ZoeMarie]

I completely agree with you, Tal, about the possibility of the OP being too available. At the same time, don't you think it's disrespectful on his part not to respond?

[positiveparent]

Firstly you nor anyone else should ever have to walk on eggshells in any relationship of any kind.

We should all be able to be ourselves and if not then that's not your problem, he has to accept that sometimes we are going to hear some things we might not want to hear.

I would also say he's not answering your texts because he can't be bothered and anyway he knows you'll send another one tomorrow, I would suggest you stop texting him, and be less available to him next time he contacts you, or just ignore him if it's a text, give him a dose of his own medicine.

That might make him sit up and take notice.

He knows you'll be there if and when he wants to contact you, you've become like a pair of old slippers to him too comfortable to him.

[talaniman]

You are right Zoe, his actions would have me finding someone who did have respect. But maybe he can learn, as I always think that people will only do what you allow them to.

Allow yourself to be treated badly, and that's exactly what they will do.

I use to avoid all that drama by,

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18-80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!!

In this way, I could weed out the ones who didn't deserve my time, and never had to get attached until someone that did deserve it, emerged. It also kept me from moving to fast with a stranger, and getting in to deep, or to fast, once they revealed their true colors. I am not one for games, drama, or disrespect. And everyone looks good when you meet them. We all do our best to impress, but it seldom lasts.

[Sienna123]

Very good points everyone. Something I already knew but needed a good dose of reminding.

I took the advice and when he contacted me by text today, I didn't respond. I thought... "Gee, I leave voicemails and he ignores them and the next time I hear from him, it's a text. How rude is that!"

The eggshells thing is old. He is so very sensitive emotionally and has many fears. It's just not comfortable. I am waiting for that time, if and when we talk on the phone and I will bring this up. He needs to grow up and have adult conversations.

[Sienna123]

Well, my b/f texted me a short answer to a question I asked him a week ago. Nothing else. What the heck was this about? Just to see if I were still around while he is out hiding in his cave? Wants to see if I will be there when he decides to come out?

[talaniman]

That's probably it. Did you answer? I wouldn't.

[redhed35]

He's sending you sweet messages a couple of times a day,he is making contact!

Your not a teenager,you're a grown women,I'm sure your busy during the day and so is he.

Your 50 and your playing mind games in your 3 year relationship just to get some attention,just for a phone call,but he is still making contact,he's not ignoring you for weeks or for that matter days.

Having the phone conversation over the phone is probably not the best idea,and better to have it face to face.

From your post you sound a little insecure,and I agree with you he needs to have an adult conversation,but so do you.

[Starry nights]

Sienna,

I recognise your symptoms,you know.I used to call them the "keeping my eye out" syndrome.Its like I proclaim to the world I am not thinking about someone and even convince myself I am not,but I know better.Back of my mind,all I am really doing,is thinking,thinking and thinking.

Don't kid yourself here.You say you want him to realise you are busy with your own life and not always waiting for his responses,but all you actually do is just that--wait,to either give it back,or whatever.

One basic thing AMHD posters here taught me when I was going through my bad break-up,was that if I say something I should really mean it.Its not about "appearing" busy for someone else's sake or to show someone else and make a point when I'm doing exactly the opposite in my actions.

While you are busy "keeping an eye out" on the sly,your beautiful life's passing you by one moment at a time.Relationships are tricky affairs,from what I learnt,and they will always be so.They'll always demand more than you would like to give actually.

But in the meanwhile,don't stop living your life and being happy.If you want to project an image of being busy,then find something to keep you that way in real life,text or no text,call or no call.If he calls/texts or even doesn't,just put it down to his actions,for which you aren't to break your head at all.

[sully123]

We all live busy lives, but he is making contact with you. Don't read into it. They are what they are. He is set in his ways and your not going to change it. Either you have to accept him the way he is, or look for someone else. Good luck!

[talaniman]

Read my signature very carefully.

[Sienna123]

My b/f of 3 years starting pulling away. I know he is often troubled with issues so I let him have his time. 3 weeks passed and I saw he reinitiated his match.com account. I was devastated as he didn't bother calling me about the issue or if we ever did have an issue. I finally called his phone and left a calm message for him to please give me a call. I am sure he purposely didn't answer when he saw my number because he hates confrontation. He didn't call me back but instead answered me via text message a few hours later telling me how wonderful a woman I was. We had a short exchange but nothing to tell me why the distance. He then forwarded me a picture of his parents. I commented how in love they looked and he then forwarded a picture of us and said "compared to this?". So here I sit confused with his sending me a picture and suggesting how in love we look and his not calling and getting on the dating site. I am told by some people to keep in touch with little messages so I am not forgotten and others say to not contact him at all. I just know he is not the type of guy to make the first move and needs to know that I won't get angry if he does call. I just want different views on what people think. I'm confused and hurt by his actions and above all, still in love with him as I THINK he is with me.

[talaniman]

3 weeks passed and I saw he reinitiated his match.com account.

Take the hint. Do things his way how he wants it or be replaced without an after thought. That means putting up with his BS, and forgetting your own hurt feelings.

I am told by some people to keep in touch with little messages so I am not forgotten and others say to not contact him at all

Dang it woman, you are being broken down and trained by this fellow who will never give you what you want no matter what it is. You need more than No Contact, you need to disappear and stop checking up on what he is doing. He clearly knows how to manipulate your feelings and instead of confusion, you should be very angered by the disrespect.

I severely question your idea of love, since his is master/slave. You ain't the master. Not to be harsh, but you are allowing your own feelings to blind you to what this a-hole has been showing you for a very long time. Okay I meant to be harsh, as you really are out of touch with his game and its one you can't win, because if a guy is not willing to meet you half way, then he expects you to do all the work it takes to keep him. That's not love or caring, and I don't give a rat patoot what you think he feels for you. You are wrong!

[Sienna123]

You are right about being harsh. I truly came here to be able to get various thoughts and not shot to death. I appreciate responses from people with different views. When you are the one in a relationship, you are the one blinded. I see it with others but it's a hard pill to swallow on your own.

I agree, no more contact.

[talaniman]

Sienna, its very important that you not take my tough love approach personally, because truth be told, I do care, and realize the mindset you must have, a mix of frustration and confusion. My biggest fear for you is that you give him too much of yourself, and he gives nothing of what you need, want, and DESERVE. I have seen it happen to many a good hearted soul, they give and give, and get nothing. That's why I can be quite harsh, not to hurt, but to awaken. I am sorry if what I posted hurt you.

[Sienna123]

Well Talaniman, this is a public forum and I am not used to getting raked over the coals. Perhaps a personal note would be more suited for that.

What I was hoping for in this arena would be advice from various people who may have been there-both men and women.