[4answers]

Has anyone had any success in getting back with a previous partner by using the no contact approach as opposed to keeping in touch?

Which is the best method?

[BlazingCold]

NC shouldn't be used to get back an ex. NC is a way to get said ex out of your system and for you to concentrate on healing yourself and making a better you.

NC can make the ex wonder, however, and if their love and longing for you outweighs the reasons they left in the first place, there is a chance they may come back.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi 4answers,

I am familiar with your situation and for others who are not, here is a link to his 2 initial threads.

Thread 1: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-45308.html

Thread 2: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ife-45954.html

Firstly, I will say that I am not sure if you have taken the time to absorb some of the advice you have previously been given about focusing on the anger issues you have and the time you need to give yourself to improve yourself. I say this because you did not reply to tal's question about what you have been doing to correct this problem.

I realise though that this is not your question. You want to know what the best method is to get an ex back and if no contact has worked for others.

I will firstly answer the latter part of the question: Has no contact with ex worked for me? Well it has worked in some ways in which it should but not for the reason you want to use this rule for, and I am no longer looking at it so much like this anymore. I will explain more.

It is so natural for you to be thinking that no contact will in some way magically make her reappear in your life. Looking at it logically, I think that if anything was going to work, then no contact is in fact the best way to make someone miss you and there is always a possibility, but certainly no guarantee whatsoever.

You can make a foolish mistake though waiting around for someone that probably won't come back into your life.

No Contact is a time for you to work on yourself i.e. go to the gym, work hard, study, whatever.. It should not be viewed as a means of getting her back. No contact is for you to heal 4answers, not as a secret plot to get her back in your life.

You really don't want this girl back so soon now anyway. You have already said this in one of your threads:

I know I will never be back with her, to much to work through for that to happen.

I don't mean to sound like I am quoting you on everything that you write but people say things for a reason. You already know that there are issues you need to tackle in order to improve and I think your thinking pattern is geared too much towards the idea of winning her back without paying any attention to this. I can't really believe that you have resolved these issues already in such a short space of time.

Do you think going back with her now will make any difference to these issues?

I understand you want her back, I still sometimes think like this with my ex, and it's been over 3 months since I broke up with her and I was with her in a serious relationship for 3 years. You need to look at things realistically, perhaps it will take some more time for you to open your eyes to all this.

Certainly.. NO CONTACT just so that you can focus on these other issues you have and also so that you can get busy just focusing on you.

I don't want to sound condescending in any way and please don't take this badly, but have you considered counseling to try and work through your anger issues. There is nothing wrong with this and it would be of huge benefit and a real positive step forward for you.

This is the best advice I can give you and hope that it helps!

[valinors_sorrow]

If you run your relationships by manipulation, i.e. if I do this, she'll do that, if I give this, I'll get that etc, etc. then sooner or later she will feel well LOL manipulated and at THAT POINT only another manipulator, like yourself, will stay. Simple as that. I know others here sometimes advise along those lines and we agree to disagree. I think that style of relationship disappeared off the social scene in the US about the time that Leave It To Beaver stopping being aired on television here.

[wap]

My ex and I split up around 5 and a half months ago, next week I will be approaching 3 months of no contact. I honestly wish I had done this at the beginning. It does help you heal. When I was contacting him, I was setting myself up for another fall each time. He would answer my emails, most of them. He never answered my texts. This hurt like mad. I kicked myself for texting him. I deleted his no, otherwise I might still be texting him now.

If you do contact an ex I think it does drive them away. At the time though, it is hard to stop yourself doing it, I know.

For your own good, it is healthier to get a good life for yourself, keep busy, try to stay positive.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Agree with val and would also add that you should not (and should not need to) play mind games with people!

Extremely unhealthy and speaks volumes about the relationship.

That's not a dig at you 4answers, it's just a general statement..

[valinors_sorrow]

Additionally separation is wholesale different than breaking up since one is implied temporary and the other implied permanent. Game players like to play around with that and the really immature confuse them and use them badly, especially the break up as a means of saying "I have a problem with you I am too immature to discuss with you like an adult".

[Geoffersonairplane]

My ex and I split up around 5 and a half months ago, next week I will be approaching 3 months of no contact. I honestly wish I had done this at the beginning. It does help you heal. When I was contacting him, I was setting myself up for another fall each time. He would answer my emails, most of them. He never answered my texts. This hurt like mad. I kicked myself for texting him. I deleted his no, otherwise I might still be texting him now.

If you do contact an ex I think it does drive them away. At the time though, it is hard to stop yourself doing it, I know.

For your own good, it is healthier to get a good life for yourself, keep busy, try to stay positive.

If I had a pound (or a $) for every time that I hear how many people regret contacting their ex's in the early stages, I would be a millionaire by now.. LOL

My friends regretted it (with their ex's), people in my family regretted it (with their ex's), and I also regret my contact in the first month with my ex..

A complete waste of my time and actually reinforced her decision to leave! Begging does nothing but makes you look weak. Why should you beg anyway?? No Logic. She wants you out of her life, so give her that!

'The grass is always greener on the other side'

I know your situation is slightly different to mine 4answers, different reasons for the breakup.. I think you know what you must do now from the advice I previously gave you!!

It is hard following the no contact rule and I think we are all entitled to make a couple of mistakes.. After all, it is an extremely dificult time.

Like wa, I stopped contact after a month and have had 2 months without any contact. It has helped me immensely to heal and I am still not healed, I really do have my downtimes, without question although I try not to go on too much about it in here.

I prefer offering advice and helping others because in a way it helps me too. It keeps me into positive thinking mode!! That's where I want to be! :)

This train Journey isn't finish yet and it has been a bumpy ride but there is light at the end of the tunnel it is travelling through... This goes for you too 4answers and for everyone else... It does get better.

But it does take time

[rol]

I tried the keeping in contact thing for 5 months, well he was the one inititing all the contact , but finally I had to ask what was going on and I told him I would contact him when I was ready,and now I am very happy with no contact and I am becoming stronger by the day. When there is still contact with an ex you accept any little crumb they give you... No contact for about 3 months should get you back to being that strong person you were before and then perhaps you can contact them . But there DEFINITELY needs to be that period apart first...

[talaniman]

As nearly everyone on this forum can attest to No contact may be the hardest thing you ever do but the benefits far out way the difficulties, as you have a chance to get healthy and make better decisions not driven by hurt and grief. You also have a chance to examine you and your life and your past mistakes so you can correct them and move to a happier way of doing things. No ONE has come back to say that the no contact didn't work for them, to my knowledge. Heal yourself and see the world through realistic eyes. You will be pleasantly surprised.

[Saintas]

She makes one mistake , you make one mistake .
I told you , if you can handle her past and the fact she lies to you , and if you really want to try one more send her flower and tell her that you deeply sorry for your ! Mistake .
If don't work , no contact rule is gold , go further with your life and focus on you and deal with your demons ( anger is one of the worst but sometime we all have anger inside us we must to deal , and sometime we all have reason to be anger , we all are human). But what must to conduct us in life is ration not anger and hate.
Remember that one relation is not a scheme on the table , have thousand of litlle things, thaughts and facts involved and each relation is particular and unic . There are not guarantiees and not absolutely rules , if I do that she make that..

[Geoffersonairplane]

She makes one mistake , you make one mistake .
I told you , if you can handle her past and the fact she lies to you , and if you really whant to try one more send her flower and tell her that you deeply sorry for your ! mistake .
If don't work , no contact rule is gold , go further with your life and focus on you and deal with your demons ( anger is one of the worst but sometime we all have anger inside us we must to deal , and sometime we all have reason to be anger , we all are human). But what must to conduct us in life is ration not anger and hate.
Remember that one relation is not a scheme on the table , have thousand of litlle things, thaughts and facts involved and each relation is particular and unic . There are not guarantiees and not absolutly rules , if i do that she make that ..

I believe dealing with anger gets better with age as you come to realise the roots of your anger. You learn other ways to express this and how better to deal with it.

If you are young, anger is also magnified by surging hormones that drive it beyond what it actually is.

Anger is a completely normal emotion in certain doses but when it becomes a way of life, it consumes you and stops you from making progress.

Now you have identified your problems with anger 4answers, you are in a better position to find a practical solution to it.

[valinors_sorrow]

I can also add that in this day where stalking, harassing and the terrible outcome of obsession is far more known, it becomes very difficult for a girl who has clearly requested no contact to experience contact from a man she already experienced anger and disrespect from as anything positive. It goes beyond what won't work. It poses the possibility of a kind of threat she will be rightfully very frightened about in light of what is known.

You want to look like a stalker, contact her.

[Saintas]

I Agree Geoffersonairplane . But 4answers had indeed realise the roots of anger ?
Previous posts have told me not . Tell me straight 4answers , can you DEAL with the fact that she lie to you and have sex with a total stranger in threesome?
And one more thing , sometimes communication is the key,not total silence. When YOU make a mistake (communication the others make to you or not) and realise that is your duty to apologize without to expect nothing instead . First of all you make this for you and your soul .

[4answers]

Thank you all for your answers, your help and support. Without it I would have not been able to stop contact at all. Because I was angry and felt that I had been wronged but could not make her see this, it fuelled my need to contact her. Once I realised this and recognised the destructive results of my anger, my perspective changed to guilt. I am taking notice and reading up on anger and its effects so that this will not happen again. Being in a high emotional state of mind is the wrong time to be in contact with a loved one or make decisions.

There is faults on both sides, the girl has to live with the fact that her past destroyed this relationship and I have to live with the consequences of my anger.

[4answers]

I would like the girl to talk to me about why she lied. But because of my reaction she stonewalled me. I can understand this, but my angry response did not help matters and pushed the girl away.

I am proactivly dealing with my anger. I have not contacted her for 9 days, which is hard. I do wish to appologise for the inapropraite things I said and did. Because of the person that I am.

As for being back with her, I would need to get to know her better first.

[tadano]

Here's a good bit about the no contact rule from the opening scene of the movie "Swingers"... for all of you out there hurting like me, I suggest you check out the film.

This scene is two buddies talking about Mike's breakup in a coffee shop. He's six months out of a 6-year relationship at the time of this convo:

Mike: And what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: It sucks.
Mike: So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
Rob: Right... or more likely the opposite.
Mike: Right... Wait, what do you mean?
Rob: I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
Mike: Unless she comes back first.
Rob: Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

[Saintas]

And now to answer your question: Yes , this rule works for me few times.But only regarding my healing process except one time when the girl need more time for her, to going slow.. etc till to point when she whont a "pause" . In fact was about another guy . Her reaction was to wonder why I don't call her, talk her and so one.. And after one month she came back telling to me that she was make a huge mistake , she's very sorry(the guy proved to be worst than me)to forgive her, Im his life, etc.
My answer was that all is over between us , I'm not a toy which you drop and take back when you have moods, and I don't believe in putting love in "pause" mode like an VCR, today I love you, tomorrow not and after tomorrow I can't live without you . I value much than that and I deserve one girl which love ME all the time .

[valinors_sorrow]

I would like the girl to talk to me about why she lied.

Just listen to that one for a moment please. You are asking a liar to honestly explain a lie! To expect any kind of conversation of value about her lie at this point may be pretty unrealistic... maybe if there was a lot of relationship to contextually support that kind of conversation (ie, lots more time, foundation and trust) but not here in this one. She lied and that is what needs to be recognised. Now that she is caught in a lie and ended the relationship, she isn't going to be keen for any confrontation or care to offer any explanation... I mean, like, why, what could possibly be in it for her??

I do wish to appologise for the inapropraite things I said and did. Because of the person that I am.

If she comes back, do that. If you must do it anyway, and I can appreciate that, then send it in a note she is free to respond to or not and you're off the hook, otherwise this is just a ploy.

As for being back with her, I would need to get to know her better first.

She may or may not give you that prerogative, as is her choice at this point being the one who ended it.

Got any more of those up your sleeve LOL? It's done dude. It really is. Its good to hear you are delving into your part in it. Vey good. Very wise. Now take the lesson - leave the rest. That really is how it works. I am sorry for your loss.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Here is the other one 4answers that went lost the other day..